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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i going mad or did i do tje right thing??

20 replies

separated · 26/01/2012 21:39

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1385236-Husband-asked-for-separation-divorce-at-Xmas

That's a bit about my situation.

Anyway, things aren't great at home. Husband becoming increasingly uncommunicative, detached, angry (there has been domestic violence and he now wants a divorce).

So, I was in bed by 8 tonight. Not really eating or sleeping properly. We have separate bedrooms (since May 2010. His choice). He hammered on my door at about 9 tonight, angry that I had gone to bed without telling him when he needed a needle and cotton from my sewing box. I asked him to go as I was sleeping. He was insistent. Told me he was going to knock again then enter. I reiterated that I was in bed and that it's my private space. He knocked and entered, switching on the bedroom light.
He started to root around for the sewing box. I asked him, again, to leave. He wouldn't. Then he found the sewing box and started to throw things on the floor that were on top of it. He grabbed it and I saw red. He was in my one and only place where I can relax and he had come in without invitation and woken me up.
I did something odd. It struck me that he hates me so much and is so repulsed by me that I could use it to my advantage. I stripped my pyjamas off and grabbed hold of the sewing box! It completely confused him. He fought me for the box for a bit then walked off and drove to our very local supermarket and bought some.
A totally liberating experience!
Do I need help or can anyone understand why I did it? By the way, I am 5 foot and very slim so he's not repulsed by my weight; just by me.

OP posts:
Onesunnymorningin2012 · 26/01/2012 21:57

Good for you OP. I don't think you need help, I think you completely confused him by refusing to play the game. He wanted you to do x, so then he could react with y... instead you did something completely different and threw him off.

My abusive alkie ex used to play a particular computer game. When he was out on the lash I used to play it and beat him, and wipe his name from the top scores. It was petty and stupid, but it felt good.

separated · 26/01/2012 22:00

Love it!
Thanks for understanding. What I did could sound a bit creepy, but it really was empowering.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 26/01/2012 22:08

Ha I totally understand! You aren't alone so don't worry-this reminded me that about 13 yrs ago my sister was separated from her hideous ex but he wouldn't move out. He slept on the sofa and made her and their son's life a misery. We went out for a rare drink and I'd arranged to stay the night with her in her bed. When we got back my rucksack had been thrown all over the house and HE was asleep in Dsis' bed. No amount of cajoling would shift him.
We were about to give up & share the sofa when I saw red and said loudly that I was going to strip off and get in bed and if he so much as brushed against me I'd call the police. He didn't believe me so I did it !!! You've never seen anyone move so fast!!! Hahaha just thinking of it now kills me!
Me and my sis had a good night's sleep ;) well done you for subverting it all.

separated · 26/01/2012 22:19

I'm feeling more sane and justified by the second. Thanks for sharing that PeppermintPasty! Grin

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 26/01/2012 22:22

I'm so grateful for you jogging my memory! God it felt good to deal with that weasel! Grin

separated · 26/01/2012 22:27

I know the feeling! He walked away (eventually) and I just laughed. Not a sneer, a genuine laugh. I feel free from him.

OP posts:
ashamednamechanger · 26/01/2012 22:31

I use my H's razor all the time to shave my pubes. Drives him insane....but he refuses to move out and he leaves it in the bathroom, so WTF!

separated · 26/01/2012 22:38

This is just what I needed to read, now I am wide awake!

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/01/2012 17:25

Excellent - you completely negated any control he had of the situation and he couldn't deal with it and walked away Grin I like your style!

singingprincess · 27/01/2012 18:19

And of course abusive men are scared men. They are misogynists, I don't know if it's reasonable to put those two facts together and suggest that they are terrified of women, but it would explain, wouldn't it?

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 27/01/2012 20:52

How are you OP? :)

separated · 27/01/2012 21:08

I'm okay. Just dealing with each day/sutuation as it happens. Estate agent coming tomorrow to value the house. Husband wants multiple agent for quick sale. I'm happy to do that but will check with solicitor tomorrow that he's not trying to pull a fast one. I no longer trust him at all. How saddening.
Daughter is at a sleepover tomorrow and husband is taking son out to dinner. Trying to understand that it's normal for me to no longer be able to also go. Worried husband will try to win son over.
Might get a pizza. Have lost far too much weight.

OP posts:
Onesunnymorningin2012 · 27/01/2012 21:15

Enjoy your pizza OP. xx

PeppermintPasty · 27/01/2012 21:19

I take it you've put your pj's back on by now?!! Wink

separated · 27/01/2012 21:25

That'll happen later PP! For now, I am fully dressed! He hasn't even mentioned it today...
I plan on doing that every time he invades my space. My space, my choices.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/01/2012 22:23

Why are you still living in the same house?
If there is physical tussling, he does not respect your boundaries and there has been violence in the past it could turn nasty at any moment.

separated · 27/01/2012 22:26

For financial reasons. Until the house is sold. No choice. He won't go. He suggested that I leave without the children. No way.

OP posts:
Jeo · 28/01/2012 10:21

Maybe you should start walking around the house naked!

separated · 28/01/2012 10:31

Do you know me?

OP posts:
separated · 28/01/2012 18:51

Home alone this evening. Husband and son out at cinema then a meal. Daughter at a sleepover. So this is what life will be like sometimes.

OP posts:
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