Divorce - what happens when one person refuses?

[deburca]

can i canvass opinions here please - can anyone tell me why a person would refuse to divorce someone who they are separated from? Cousin of mine is now dating new girlfriend, separated from wife, not amicably - neither were faithful. He has called me upset as he has spoken to his wife about a divorce and she has refused. She is insisting that she will not divorce him and "make things easy for him and his "w$ore". He only started dating this girl after they had separated so I dont know why his wife is so against the girl.

I personally think she will calm down and have advised him to try and speak to her again about this in a few weeks time when she has had time to calm down and reflect on things.

I divorced my first husband, he had been unfaithful and even though I tried to believe it could be fixed so I can understand where his ex is coming from to a degree, perhaps she is still hoping that things can be fixed but cousin says he is completely finished with the marriage and apparently has told her the same thing for over a year now. Poor woman though - I know what its like to hope.

Any advice on best way to handle this situation.

Why doesn't he just start divorce proceedings against her? She can argue all she likes but afaik she can't refuse if he divorces her.

Hi Catherine thanks for replying. I think he was hoping to do it quickly and was hoping she would be agreeable. Afaik it is quicker if the other person agrees? Am i wrong about that, I divorced in Northern Ireland and I think if the other person doesnt agree it takes 5 years! Cousin is living there so think he has visions of him being nearly 50 before he is out of the marriage!

I do feel for her as I know what its like to have something be over before you are ready - I was the one who left my marriage but it still took me ages to come to terms with it.

I do think she may have reacted poorly to the idea as it was such a shock to her - dont know how I would have reacted if same happened to me.

If he intends to divorce on the grounds of separation, if both parties consent it can be granted after a separation of 2 years, and he will be able to divorce without the consent of his wife after 5 years.

Alternatively, he can file for divorce now. If there are no children involved and mutual agreement is reached relating to a division of assets etc, there's no reason why he shouldn't file for divorce online rather than spend a sizeable sum on legal bills.

It may be that if his wife receives his petition for divorce it will concentrate her mind on the reality of their marriage.

Why not suggest that he avails himself of a free half an hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law?

The divorce law above relates to England/Wales.

izzy thanks for your comments. Will pass on suggestion about free half hour with lawyer.

You could well be right about the focussing of the mind but I think he is trying to be as amicable now as he can be. I have warned him that she may well be insistent that she wont divorce.

He -to date anyway- has been very polite in all his dealings with her, was dropping back dc and asked to speak to her privately. Apparently he said "i think its time we finalised things and divorced, it means we both can move on and start afresh, of course I hope we can remain civil to each other and I will always be there for dc". The she responded with the "whore" comment.

She attends college with a friend of mine and friend has said that she thought cousins ex was well over it, had actually discussed that being separated was much healthier for everyone concerned (this was pre-new girlfriend though).

I truly hope it doesnt get nasty as no one wins from that. Has anyone out there been in the position of the wife? Any tips on how to converse about this amicably?

Horrible situation

This seems to be a case of she doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

Encourage him to consult a lawyer who specialises in divorce and family law as mediation may be necessary.

As for 'tips', other than avoiding apportioning blame when attempting to talk about the formal end to their marriage, he's the one that knows her best and he should be able to work out the most appropriate way and time to approach her - which, as he seems to appreciate, shouldn't be in the presence of any dc.

As the vast majority of conversations in public places tend to be more mannered than those conducted in the privacy of a home, I would suggest that he allows the dust to settle after his last attempt before inviting her to meet for a meal/drink in a quiet pub/restaurant.

Embittered spouses have known to resort using the dc to vent their spleen and it is to be hoped that this won't happen here.

My ex husband left me for another woman and then weirdly he wouldn't sign the divorce petition for several years. People at the time suggested that maybe he didn't want to be able to be in a position to marry his mistress. Who knows. after several years and out of the blue he signed the document.

Thanks all so much for replying. lasvegas can see what you mean by not wanting to be in a position to marry the mistress but since neither my cousin or his wife were faithful during their marriage I thought she would want a clean slate also to start from.

She appears to be very vitrolic regarding his girlfriend, although I think thats more to get a rise out of him rather than any actual malice towards the girlfriend (albeit that she does appear a bit jealous of her but thats natural I suspect).

I think its great advice to have the meeting in a public place izzy, I agree that it may reduce the risk of a scene. Cousin is getting angrier the more he thinks of it and has told me that he just wanted to tell her to get lost when she started ranting!! I have advised him to try and keep as civil as he can.

Why are people so bitter like this - really dont get it? I would understand if he left her for other woman, but its not the case.

Some people have strong moral and/or religious objections to divorce. Could just be a knee-jerk reaction which she will get over when she's had time to think about it some more.

If they are in the UK he can petition for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Unreasonable can encompass all sorts of behaviour and I would have thought adultery was fairly unreasonable in most people's book! She may also feel more positive about it if he allows her to present the petition and call him unreasonable rather than the other way round. (My solicitor offered that option to XH, but he wouldn't buy it. He couldn't stop the divorce though. It took about two years from start to finish.)

Annie dont think its strong moral/religious reasons to be honest, neither are very religious and they both behaved equally as bad during the marriage. Im not saying either are bad people, they arent, its just the marriage had soured and no one was prepared to end it - common enough situation from what I gather.

He did tell me that during the conversation she said that she hoped the girlfriend would be named in court as screwing a married man - cousin didnt respond. She sounds increasingly bitter doesnt she and its not healthy for her.

Annie, will mention what you said about letting her petition for divorce. Sound advice, thanks for that

On further reflection, he may find that the best way to go is to write her a brief letter or email saying that as they have lived apart since x date and the marriage is irretrievably over, he will be happy for her to institgate divorce proceedings if she so wishes.

He should then add that if she doesn't wish to proceed at this time, he will seek advice from a solicitor.

In the event that, for whatever reason, he has little option but to wait it out for 5 years, he's best advised to make sure that he states the date s/he left the marital home and keep a hard copy of the dated letter/email.

This will put her on notice, so to speak and may go some way to softening the blow if he files for divorce against her wishes.