A Matter of Marriage and Children

[Pogla]

I'm 21, my BF is 29. We have been together now for 4 years.

Being 29 his friends are now having kids, getting married basically being very grown up.
He understandably is at that stage himself - wants to get married, would like to start having kids now/next year.

I am not sold on getting married but as I know it means something to him so would do it.
I do want marriage, children and all that - one day.

I'm only 21, I graduated in the summer, still at early days of career (I haven't even chosen my speciality yet). I know people do have children and get married at my age but me myself I don't want to, I am sure I could manage but I don't want to 'manage'
I always figured at being about 28/29 when I did all that stuff. (after enjoying my 20s)

But that is 7 years time, when he will be 36.

He doesn't want to wait that long. And is ready for all that now or in a year

If it was a case of one of us not wanting kids/marriage at all then however hard it may be we would have to call it quits.
But that isn't the case, we both want those things, just the timing is off.
I can imagine us breaking up over this.

I don't know - I can see it all slipping away.

Oh gosh that's really tough. I can totally see where your boyfriend is coming from - once you get to the stage where you feel ready for marriage/kids it's hard to shake the feeling. But you're right to stand your ground. You are very young and if you don't feel ready then you shouldn't do it just for him. It would be such a shame to break up a good relationship over it, but if you can't see eye to eye then that might be what has to happen unfortunately :(

can you compromise? meet him halfway, and say yes - but in 3-4 years time? How about making an amazing plan together in the meantime, something like a 4 month round-the-world trip? Not too long for a career break, something to save/work towards in the next 18 months and a fabulous relationship affirming experience for you both. Also something that would be out of the question with young DCs. He'll only be 32/33 and you will be closer to 25... not 'too old' and not 'too young' but with a great shared history to build upon before you go down that road?

It's hard but his needs/wishes aren't more important than yours, and building a family needs a foundation that will last for a lifetime... take it from me. I married at 26 and was rushed into having kids, despite loving my DCs I am now a single mum and XH is the one who bailed out. Stand your ground because the compromises you reach now will set the scene for how you parent together in the long run, and you need to know that your feelings and instincts are just as valuable as his. Plus - a super long holiday is hardly a hardship for him to endure with his beautiful wife-to-be!!

Thanks.

It is the one thing we argue about.

I don't want to break up over this :(

Compromise? I would have to work out what I would be comfortable with first.

well, a compromise would definitely involve putting things off for a while. And you wouldn't ever have to get married/have kids if you changed your mind - it wouldn't be etched in blood but if you can buy yourself time and give him something else to focus on like a big trip, or getting a house or whatever you fancy, it might give you a chance to work out what you actually want long term?

How much domestic work does this man do? This is a vital, vital factor in decision-making. Because if you are the one doing the bulk of the domestic work now, he will impregnate you and run around waving his willy telling everyone it works, while expecting you to do all the domestic work and childcare while his life doesn't change at all.

IMO you're best advised to stick to your life plan and enjoy your 20's - they won't come again and you'll have plenty of time to think about marriage/sprogs etc after you've established yourself in your (eventually) chosen career and enjoyed the sense of fulfillment that will bring you.

If your current BF falls by the wayside, so be it. You were very young when you met him and it's almost inevitable that you'll outgrow him, particularly as you have such completely different aspirations.

Follow your own star, honey. There's a big wide world out there and it contains many more than one 'soulmate' for all of us.

Thanks Again

Household chores are not an issue with us - I do the cooking (apart from fridays) and shopping but all the ironing,washing,cleaning is all done by him. So he does more than me.

We bought our first house together in the summer (which was another compromise - he wanted for us to move in together before, but I wanted to stay sharing esp. while at Uni)

I don't want to 'lose' my 20s but I don't want to 'lose him either.

I think 'losing' him might be the best thing that could possibly happen to you. I don't like the sound of him at all. You started going out with him when you were 17 and he was 25, and he's been frothing at the mouth to get you in the kitchen and pregnant ever since? This is a man who wants a partner he can own and feel superior to. He doesn't want you getting any ideas about independence or a career, he reckons your life's destiny is to be his domestic servant and breeding stock.

Remember that you are right not to rush into marriage and motherhood before you've really worked out who you are and what you want out of life. There will always be other men, but you only get your 20s once. These are the years for experimenting, running around, having fun, sorting out your career, not being trained and taught your place by some bloke who wants a little girlie who is overawed by his superiority.

I think you have it wrong SolidGoldBrass
OP says he does more housework than her - that doesn't sound like the person you described.

It is perfectly understandable for anyone around the age of 30 to want to get married and start having a family.
It is perfectly understandable for someone around 25 who is in a serious relationship to want to live with the person they are in that relationship.

It is perfectly understandable for someone around 21 to want to wait till they get married and have children.

You may have the old age problem of age gap.
When you are older they don't seem so big but in your 20's they can seem massive.
You both want the same things eventually but are not at the same 'point' yet.
You either walk away however hard that maybe or you both have to agree to compromise (you down the age and he ups it then met in the middle)

You just have to work out if that is something you are willing to compromise on (both of you)

Look, early marriage and motherhood is rarely a good idea for women. Especially when there's an age gap. Such marriages almost always go wrong when the woman starts to grow up and the man doesn't like it because he is used to being the Senior Partner and wants to keep it that way. The OP's already having to resist pressure to ignore her own wishes and ambitions and prioritise The Relationship, and if she doesn't watch out she'll be a bored housewife at 25 with toddlers in tow and it will be harder to get away from the man and the situation.

IMO - a great relationship can, and most likely will, come along again. Your twenties won't. If you don't feel free to enjoy them because you're busy feeling guilty about not wanting to get married and have babies yet, you will never get them back.

You are in different places. Stick to the place you are in, because you WILL regret it if you don't. If you can come to a compromise which you are truly both happy with, then that could work, but if he really wants it now and you don't - that's as bad, really, as one of you wanting it and the other not ever.

I am 23 and have a 3 year old and I wish every day that I could put him on pause and get my life back, or go back in time and just enjoy some of that time before I had him. It is so hard. And I wanted to settle down young, I love being a mum, it's just... hard.

Plus, the earlier you start dating someone, the less experience you have of men in general. This may not be your situation at all, but I think that a lot of the time if you get together with someone when you are young, your idea of the spectrum of relationships is pretty narrow, and so it's not too difficult for someone to come along and be the best thing ever. And then because they are all or almost all you've ever known, your idea of a "great relationship" kind of moulds around them, and it's really hard to extricate how much you actually have a great partnership and how much is just familiarity.

Oh, and read every single article on this site ever www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

I married at a similar although didn't have dd til later I still felt I was too young. You can't compromise on having children - its binary and I guess he will have to wait..getting yourself established in a career is very important for your self esteem.

Relationships that work are not just about meeting the right person, but meeting the right person at the right time. I met a Mr Right in my twenties, I was ready to settle down but he wasn't. We split, I was heartbroken. Then I met the next Mr Right (my now DH), again I was ready to settle down and so was he. So we did.

Not sure I agree with sgb but you must definitely NOT get married or have children to please him.

You sound like you have your head on straight. You are young and obviously not ready yet. It is absolutely ok to say that. Neither of you are wrong, you're just at different places and sometimes that kind of incompatibility just means you aren't suited long term.

Building a successful marriage and family is as much about these kind of practical decisions as the romantic ones.

Also, given the basic biological truth that men can have children without problems a lot later in life than women can, it's not a matter of you 'stealing' or 'wasting' his fertile years by asking him to wait.

OP you clearly aren't ready and he's bloody selfish to put this on you. If he wants to breed then he needs to find a willing partner older than you are.

Seem's like the time has come for you to move on and do what have to do.

Do not get shackled, you are far too young.

I dont think that its the right person for you, if it was then you wouldnt feel ambivilent towards it regardless of age imo.

It sounds like your instincts are saying the 'get married and have kids thing' is not what you want to do right now- I think you should listen to your instincts. I'm 35 now, I started settling down about four years ago and I very fondly look back to my twenties which was a lovely mix of experiences, good and bad boyfriends...travelling... sorting out my career, etc...and it all seemed to go too quickly! By 31 yrs old I was a lot more mature than I was when I was 21.

You are only 21 don't waste your life on this man. It is unfair of him to put this pressure on you when you are clearly not ready for the whole marriage and children thing.

I feel for you, it's a tough one. Can you imagine not growing old with him? If you can then maybe he's not the one for you. If you can't then you need to have a serious conversation with him re the timings you can both live with. It sounds like you need time to work out what you want to say- can you get away for a weekend to properly take time out to think, maybe a retreat or something? If it's meant to be you'll work it out.