Hi all,
I am a regualr lurker and have posted a few times. I really need some help getting my head round an event that took place 6 months ago between my mother and myself. This could be long so I will try my very best to include only the most important and relevant information.
My parents and I have always been close. My mother has always been an extremely difficult person to live with, very moody, depressed and not very nice. She never had any close friends, and her link to the outside world was through me as she rarely ever left the house. I moved to the UK in April 2008 and my husband and I married in May 2008. Our first child was born in 2010 and my parents came here for her birth (this was in March 2010). My mother's defense mechanism when she is hurting has always been to be cruel and start fights. She was horrible at my wedding, rude to everyone in attendance, fought with my Dad (made him sleep on a sunbed b/c she locked him out of their room), she embarrassed me tremendoulsy but I made excuses for her and she got away with it. On their trip here to the UK for my DD's birth she was OK until the last day when she picked a silly fight with me b/c I apparently used a "tone" to my voice when I spoke to her, so the last night there was spent in anger.
At the end of June 2011 my DD and I travelled to the states for a visit (I was approx. 22 weeks pregnant at the time). After a very stressful 9 hour flight, almost 3 hours queuing for customs and getting our bags, then a 3 hour drive to my sister's house to meet up with my mother, then another 1 1/2 drive to my parent's house we made it to where we would be staying for the majority of our visit. As you can imagine I was very tired and stressed and wanted nothing more than to get DD to bed and then go to bed myself. DD didn't sleep well so we were up early hours. I was exhausted and not feeling very chatty and my mother barely spoke to either of us that morning until the following incident occurred:
She walked straight up to my face and shouted at me these exact words - "If you can't even be civil to me then you just need to pack your shit and go back home." To this point, I had spent 32 years letting her walk all over me and I had had enough. I told her ok and I immediately got on the phone to the airline to schedule a return flight home. As I was packing mine & DD's bags and taking them downstairs she got into my face at the top of the stairs (DD - 15 months old at the time) was climbing up the stairs and was about halfway up. I asked her to please leave me alone as I was doing what she told me to do. She would not leave me alone, was shouting at me and her face was so close to mine she was spitting on me. I mumbled that she really was psycho and then she hit me square in the face. She then grabbed my shoulders and tried to push me down the stairs. I admit that I then completely lost my mind. I got her away from me and hit her and scratched up her face pretty badly. DD was screaming and I ran and scooped her up. My mother then hits me with such force that I lost my grip on my DD and she slipped and I thankfully caught her around her neck. I had to wait several hours to be picked up by a friend but while we were waiting she locked DD & I out of the house in 100 degree heat (we were in Alabama) with nothing to drink.
I must also add that my mother tried to commit suicide in June 2010 she she does have severe mental health issues.
There is loads more to this story that I can add but I am going on and on. The point is basically that my father has taken my mother's side and both parents haven't contacted me in 6 months. No questions about their grandchildren (my DS was born in Nov. 2011). I received an email from my father on my bday (Aug 2011), it was a one line email and I received an email again after the birth of DS, again a one line email, but he congratulated me on the birth of Colin, which is not my DS's name.
My mother is toxic and I do not ever want a relationship with her again but the rejection from my father hurts terribly and the lack of care for his grandchildren breaks my heart a little more every day.
I'm not sure what I'm wanting to get out of this post, I know I was wrong calling her psycho and hitting her back in retaliation but I just saw red. If I could go back in time I would take it all back, I would just walk away after she threw the first blow. The terrified screams of my DD just pushed me over the edge.
Should I reach out to my father? Is this all my fault? I have a wonderful DH, 2 beautiful children and a fantastic MIL & FIL but my heart feels so heavy. I feel rejected by the people that are supposed to love me no matter what. I spent so long being told by my Dad that he knows how difficult my mother is and that she has serious problems to him telling me that I need to seek help for what I did to her. It's like he thinks that what she did was OK. I am so sad and confused about it all.
Sorry for writing a total novel. I'm pretty sure no one will have read this far but it feels a bit better writing it all down.
Thanks for reading.