Please help... is it PND or does she just not love me anymore?

[dragondad]

Please help i am at my wits end and don?t know what to do. My DW gave birth to our DD In June this year. Before my DD was born i would describe our relationship as fantastic we were two peas in a pod (her words) and we did everything together and very much in love. I thought things had been going relatively normally although my wife was returning to work in sept and had decided to leave her current job and was interviewing in her Mat leave. In Sept when she returned to work we stared to argue more. this would mostly be on date nights when she would say "what's happened to us" i would think to myself that nothing had happened and that we had just been though big changes with having DD etc... i also noticed that she wasn't as affectionate and could hardly bring herself to hug kiss me. This carried on until in Dec she said that she "didn't feel the same way about me anymore" and "that i had changed and i wasn't the same person she married". I was devastated and said i would try anything to make things better but over the month it was clear that she was just cold towards me and i couldn't do anything right. Things came to a head two weeks ago when i found her texting a guy from work on her phone. she said it was nothing but later admitted she was having an emotional affair with a guy fro work since the start of Dec. Since then she has said to me that she wants to work things out and want to stay with me but she is still unable to show me any affection and doesn?t know how she feels... her mum and dad made her go to the doctor who prescribed antidepressants and she is going to see a councillor but she is currently living with her mum and dad. Does this sound like postnatal depression or am i just being a mug?!?!? I have no doubt that I have done things wrong along the 8 months but nothing intentional and just want my family to be back together for my DD but also for me.

that sounds very difficult for you.
i think you';d benefit from relationship counselling- would she go to relate? or similar:?

Yes she is willing to go to relate but they have advised us that she should only have one counselling session per week, so have to wait and she what happens. i should say that she does say she loves me and wamts to work things out and is willing to try but it's very difficult for me as this is all said very emotionless and with no affection.

OP - can you be sure the "emotional affair" was only since the start of December?

No I have no way of knowing for sure...

The texting might have started in December, but it's likely that she met the man earlier than that and it is revealing that the arguments between you coincided with her returning to work in September when she either first met this man or resumed contact with him after maternity leave. Affairs start in the head long before any actions are taken.

She might have PND, but that's not really the point is it? She has been having an affair and despite telling you that she wants to work things out, won't re-commit to living with you or re-engaging in the marriage. In the circumstances, I'd wonder whether the affair is really over?

It's unlikely that you have 'changed' other than the changes every individual undergoes after becoming a parent for the first time. What your wife might have been doing though was demonising you in order to justify what she was doing, picking arguments and inventing dissatisfactions that didn't exist before she got friendly with the other man.

If you're prepared to forgive her affair and get past this, you might need to stop being so tolerant and understanding and put your own interests first. Women who are posting about an ambivalent partner post-affair are always advised to take back control of the situation and consider their own interests. If you insist on respect, it is more likely that you will get it.

I don't know you or your wife so bear in mind any comment I make is based on a combination of what I've read here + speculation, but my thoughts / questions:

• As a direct / indirect result of adjusting to motherhood (I'm not going to say "PND", because society is too quick to attach convenient labels to make problems more acceptable), your DW felt emotionally drawn to the first male who saw her as a "woman" rather than "mother"?

• It may be that your DW may be enjoying the thrill of feeling "wanted" as a "woman", but how much of this is genuinely reciprocated by the OM? Shallow as it may sound, a lot of men aren't going to be too keen on entering an actual relationship with an already married woman who has only just had a child 8 months ago.

• Does your DW have any previous history of self-esteem issues?

• Was the desire to have children completely equal, or were you (even if only a tiny bit) the keener of the two to have kids?

• How has she been with DD?

No my wife has always been a very confident woman who was generally happy with her body and herself.
No actually she was the driver for children i was more cautious but happy to go ahead with it. in terms of her relationship with DD i can't really put my finger on it...she loves her very much you can tell but there is a sense of that she is a chore?!?! hope that makes sense?

It sounds like you've had a very rough time, and I'm sorry.
Re the PND query - how is she with your DD? How has she taken to parenthood? I know I found it overwhelming at first - found it very hard to cope with how much it had changed me. And it's still very early days, really, for you.

Persist with the Relate plan - can you not just make the appointment and say "be there Tuesday 2pm"? Whether or not she shows will be a good indication of how things actually are in her head.

Thnaks Hassled, yeah like i say i think she is struggling with parenthood...she was/is very career driven and i think expected to be able to go stright back in to things after 3 months and things be back to normal...in terms of DD like i say i think she does love her but she see's her as a chore (this is my opinion) rather than enjoying her company? She was happy to go to relate as i said and does seem genuine about sorting things out. i have just had a text saying that she will come to the cinema with me on friday night and that she will move back in on the weekend but it's still cold and with no emotion...

Makes sense dragondad :)

Now, you mention she was happy and confident in herself / her body previously - but how has her body adjusted post-pregnancy? (you can be honest here...!)
Is there any chance of her requiring physical validation from other males due to her not having quite the physique she had before?

And the point you mentioned about her clearly loving DD but it "seeming like a bit of a chore": again, could be a not-insignificant factor (again, with the wanting to be validated as a woman rather than mother theme).

Is DD breastfeeding?
If not, do you think you could look after her by yourself over a weekend?
If so, why not suggest she goes and stays with her parents or friends for the weekend? It may do her good to remove herself from the family situation, and it may well make her realise and appreciate what she does have?

Also, as much as you love her, it may be a good thing for you to show her that whilst you love her, you don't "need" her?

Thank dearbierdre,

She was breastfeeding to beging with, this was probably driven by me more than my wife to be honest but she gave up after 4 weeks as she was too tired. in terms of her body, she had a c-section and had to be restitched as the wound opened again so the scar is slightly larger than normal and her breast are now more "saggy" than they were and but generally she's back to almost normal just more "soft" than she was. I am taking DD away for a week in two weeks time so hipefully it will help me her and DD.

I agree with others - your DW has been having an emotional affair (there is no justification, although and understanding of what drove it may help to rebuild the relationship), and you need to make your DW prove that she is genuine about recommitting to the marriage.

There have to be some very basic conditions - absolutely no contact with the OM (that's a deal breaker, anything less is massively disrespectful to you), and a desire to do what it takes to work on the marriage (whether that is Relate or any other form of relationship counselling).

At the moment, you need to make her word harder, IMO. If her words are saying one thing, but her actions/approach to you another, I would challenge her and tell her that you're not interested in her coming hope unless she is unpologetically remorseful and 100% committed to your marriage.

Anything less than that isn't good enough for YOU.

home not hope

She works with the guy whould i ask her to leave her workplace?

How close is their working relationship? Are they facing each other across a desk, or just in the same company?

At the very least, she needs to lose his mobile number, and ensure that there is no contact outside of working hours.

You say in your OP that she was already looking for another job whilst on mat leave, so maybe now is the time to insist on her stepping up the hunt and moving on...

that was the reason for my question i did demand she leave and she has gone in and said to her boss that she is looking for a new job. They did sit across the desk but she assures me that now she tries to work from a different office if she knows he will be there... this obviously relies on me trusting her!!

Yes this is normally a good idea to restore some safety, but if that's not possible or would be protracted, you could request that all communication between them is restricted to the professional only and that she tells you about every interaction.

I'd be very wary of bending over backwards here to appease your wife. She has inflicted a severe injury to you and your marriage and I don't think it will enhance her respect for you or more importantly your self-respect, if you are too needy and accommodating.

Thanks Charbon. She has also offered info on professional conversations and when she has bumped in to him. I agree that i need to be stronger but it's so difficult because a) i think of DD and b) i love her so much

I would hazard a guess that Motherhood hasn't (for her) turned out how she imagined, and its thrown her a bit.

You say she was very work/career orientated, and I would imagine that her perception of how things were going to be (ie her very much in control) and the reality (everything being dictated by this tiny human being, the birth, the breastfeeding etc) have completely knocked her for six, emotionally and physically.

I think its telling that she sees your DD as a bit of a chore, because your lives now revolve around her.

I'm sure counselling will help, but there is no real excuse for her behaviour. I don't think its PND, but I don't think her hormones are helping, or the shock to her system that Motherhood has turned out to be.

I am assuming at work she feels like her old self and in control. Just a thought , how about she puts a photo of the three of you on her desk just to remind her and her colleague that she has a family!