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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am i heading for divorce?

22 replies

newgirl · 14/11/2003 21:33

I seem to spend a lot of time these days thinking that I would be better off without my H. I seem to have a better time when I am without him and I don't really want to plan anything with him. I do care for him but is it enough? He's a lovely person and I certainly would be devastated if anything happened to him. Has anyone any tips on sparking things up a bit/lot?

OP posts:
doormat · 14/11/2003 21:45

a cuddle on the couch with a bottle of wine
sharing a nice warm bath together
arranging a babysitter and having a night out
time away from the kids even for half an hour

when we have children it becomes easy to forget the passion we once had with our partners
I am not talking in a sexual context either with all of the above
just spending quality time together makies a difference
HTH
hugs
xxx

aloha · 14/11/2003 22:00

What first attracted you to him an dmade you want to marry him? Can you try to focus on those aspects?

aloha · 14/11/2003 22:03

What first attracted you to him an dmade you want to marry him? Can you try to focus on those aspects?

Norma · 14/11/2003 22:05

Turn off the pc and suggest a board game or an arm wrestle or a massage. If he's not there then keep logged on and then do EVERTHING and ANYTHING to keep communication with the man you've got.

M2T · 14/11/2003 22:07

Newgirl - I think you will probably be surprised at how many people will read your post and go "Yeah, totally know whats she's talking about!".

I know I did. In fact I go through phases like this all the time. Thankfully though, the good far outways the bad and I always come out of it realising I'm just trying to see this perfect relationship that rarely exists. There are a few lucky people out there that have found their perfect partner and never EVER have any doubts, and good on them. Most are not like that and doubts will creep in. but more often than not it is boredom making you look for the 'greener grass on the other side'.

Good advice has been given here. Try to make a special effort to have some time alone with DH.

I know that I still have a better time out on the town with the girls! That doesn't have to mean you don't want to be with DH anymore.... just that something in your relationship needs a wee shake-up!

Good luck.

M2T · 14/11/2003 22:09

Er...Norma, DH and I bought Monopoly yesterday, played it last night and ended up arguing.... saw a power-hungry, money-crazed side of DH I didn't like.... and he bankrupt me within an hour! Grrrrr.... perhaps Scrabble would've been a less competitive, dirty game! lol But the boardgame idea is a good one. It certainly livened the night up!

Original poster
newgirl · 14/11/2003 22:33

thanks very much everyone. i'm going to switch off now and get the scrabble out!!! or suggest a bath! i did think about what i liked when we first met and it made me laugh. will see what works. you've cheered me up thank you

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 14/11/2003 23:01

M2T - I have a really old game you'd like then! It's called Go For Broke and it's sort of like Monopoly but you win by losing all your money. It's really easy to win loads but you have to try and lose it asap. Maybe if you and DH played that, you'd see a generous, giving side of him, as he tried to donate all his cash to charity, you and the cat!!

M2T · 14/11/2003 23:28

Newgirl - Great idea!

Wobblyknicks - I'd be good at that, but DH would just use it as an excuse to win again! Ah... poor soul isn't allowed any control of money in real life.......... maybe I should just let him have his victory at Monopoly! I threw such a tantrum though. lol.

SofiaAmes · 15/11/2003 00:26

Go to Relate. Dh and I have been having a few troubles (mostly stemming from his horrific childhood) and we jointly didn't know how to deal with them. There was no doubt about our current relationship, just the knowledge that if we didn't deal with the issues, eventually there would be a problem. We've been going to a Relate counsellor for a few weeks now and it's been absolutely wonderful. It is fantastic discussing things with a neutral person who is trained to ask the right questions and steer us in the right direction. Even dh (a decidedly working class northerner who thinks all therapists are poofs) is so excited about the results that he's been going around telling everyone about "his" therapist.

Tinker · 15/11/2003 12:54

Sorry to hear you've been having a few troubles Sofia, you always sound so together and solid. Glad to hear it's all going well at Relate.

bossykate · 15/11/2003 20:59

hi sofia, would like to echo tinker's words, i think it's great you're facing up to things before the whole things becomes make or break. hope the experience continues to go well. hats off to you and your dh.

Janstar · 15/11/2003 21:04

sofia I love you description of your dh's attitude to counsellors . So glad it is working for you. Relate isn't always for cure, it's good for prevention too.

magnum · 15/11/2003 21:08

Just like to say we sometimes feel the grass is greener when things get a bit stale... well, in my experience its not! I made the biggest mistake of my life when i seperated from my dp because of similar feelings (we'd been together 10 years at the time). Luckily enough we got back together and have since married (5 years ago). If I ever feel like you I remember what it was like to think I'd lost him for good.

bourne · 15/11/2003 23:49

I really regret getting divorced from my first husband after 7 y of marriage. I kept thinking there had to be more to life. I was basically bored. Now I know there is not really any more to life!

It is over ten years since we broke up and I can cry at the drop of a hat thinking about it even now

sykes · 15/11/2003 23:59

Are you happy now, bourne?

Original poster
newgirl · 17/11/2003 13:50

dear bourne and magnum

sobering thoughts. sometimes i think what would i think if he had an affair and i know i'd be devastated, so i think you are spot on thank you.

sofia - i have thought of relate - my understanding is that it can take a year to be seen; was that your experience?

ps the bath idea worked! he was very shocked but up for the offer!

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 17/11/2003 22:16

newgirl, my understanding is that it varies a lot by area. In our area they will see you immediately for an "assessment." Then you get put on a waiting list to see a counsellor. We were told that it would be only a week or two if we could do daytime sessions and 4-6 weeks if it needed to be evening. However, if you can afford it, you can see a counsellor "privately" immediately. We liked the person that assessed us, so we decided to see her privately. As it turned out, it was £45 a session to see her privately and it would have been £40 to do it through Relate. And we got to start right away. Go for it. It has really done wonders for us.

bourne · 17/11/2003 23:15

sykes,yes I am happy but not in my current marriage. I will stick it out because we have children this time around and I think nearly all relationships are mediocre.I have looked into this subject in great depth.

I wish I had stayed with my first husband as frankly we would be much better off financially and I really liked his family. We would by now have clocked up a great many years and I think that has to be worth something.
I left him from a general sense of unease, thinking there had to be something better out there.(not necessarily someone)

I still have that general unease and a husband who is in many ways not as good as the first, and certainly no passion.

Original poster
newgirl · 06/12/2003 13:47

hello everyone. Just wanted to say that things are better. I read a book called 'bitch in the house' and it was full of good articles that have helped me get things in perspective. fingers crossed that it stays that way for a good while. hope you are all well x

OP posts:
norma · 06/12/2003 14:12

Brilliant news!!

doormat · 06/12/2003 14:15

newgirl, brilliant
hope everything goes well
take care
xxx

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