If you were raped as a teenager and disclosed it to a professional, were you happy with how it was handled?

[therightdecision]

Am a regular, have namechanged.

I'm working with a young person who has made a disclosure. I'm following the all of the correct procedures with regard to the law and child protection but I am questioning a lot of things. My main concern is that the young person is ok with what happens.

She doesn't know that I have passed it on yet, and I am very worried about how she is going to react. I think that when she is older she will understand but that right now she is going to be very angry. If anyone is happy to share experiences,, both negative and positive it may help with the next time I see her. Thanks in advance.

I think it is something that needs to be dealt with and long term she will thank you for making sure this happens.
I was a bit older, at Uni, and GP told me to forget about it (it happened at a party and I was drunk). While it is not something that troubles me overly now I lurched through a disasterous 20s and wish I'd had some counselling at the time.

Why haven't you told her? I don't see why you couldn't say, thanks for trusting me, but you know it's best I pass this on to x who will get you the help you need. Tell her now!

I was told by a professional that "It's just something that happens in relationship" and essentially that I should 'get over it'. Anything that takes it seriously = good.

I was 7 and not raped, just molested at my local park by a 15ish year old boy

it was something that i felt haunted me for a long time and i finally discussed it with a counsellor i was seeing it at the time.

her reaction seemed to be almost disappointment that it wasn't something "bigger" i had disclosed (i had indicated for weeks that something bugged me but i was unwilling/unable to talk about it)

her response was to say that that it wasn't uncommon for 15 year old boys to experiment in such a way ie she thought it was quite a trivial matter (she had worked as a social worker so i guess had seen/heard of some pretty awful and much worse stuff)

whilst i did recognise that much worse happens, the original event has shaped me a lot and i felt she did not take me seriously and trivialised it and i felt like a bit of an idiot.

not sure if any of this is relevant, in fact it's probably not, but if there is any point to what i'm saying it is please don't try to trivialise it or make light of it though it sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing. just be there for her to talk to (if that is legal and appropriate)

lizzie it really is beyond belief isn't it
It was my first time too

We are always told in safeguarding training that we have to make it clear to our students that we cannot promise confidentiality - therefore they then know that any disclosure may be passed on.

Did you talk this aspect of it through with her?

I am shocked you haven't told her and I think that is potentially damaging for her I cannot understand why she does not know

I can't discuss the details - I am so sorry. I appreciate the feedback from professionals, but judging my practise is not what I'm asking for. I'm not going to be explaining the whys and wherefores with regard to this specific case - there are reasons why the circumstances are as they are but I'm not going to risk me, or anyone else being outed by explaining them to you all just so that I can see if you agree with the way I have chosen to deal with things. All I can say is that I am sticking to CP guidelines vs Fraser competence given her age. I hope that settles your minds.

I worded the OP in such a way that it does not reflect this particular situation but I have made it similar because I am interested in the way that people who have 'been there' were made to feel. All I can say is that in this situation - the girl did not initially see her experience as rape and the boy involved is also underage.

I think I need to reassure people that nothing is going to happen before I tell her that I had to pass it on, and that the person who is going to tell her is me. No more info now!

Ok well given the further explanation - she needs total truth about what is happening and why in an age appropriate way. She will remember that meeting forever and the way you treat her will make a significant impact on how she trusts adults in the future. Anything else and she could take the anger and feelings of mistrust over and above the actual assault.

I was going to name change, but refuse to be intimidated any longer.

I was gang raped by 5 men at the age of 15. I am now 45. The instigator said that he was my boyfriend, but that he wanted me to "make his friends happy." After it happened, I had the strength to refuse to see him or communicate with him again. But I was one of the lucky ones.

I will never get over it. My DH knows, I told him less that an year ago. We have been together over 20 years. He is the only person that I have ever trusted in all these years to tell.

I wish that someone had found out properly at the time, told someone, and sent me to a safe place or for counselling. It would have made a huge difference to my life.

There was no point in telling my DM at the time, after an incident less than a year earlier with my stepfather in which she said I was exaggerating.

He left a drunken man in my bed at home, who I found when I came home from school, and who expected me to be "friendly" as my stepfather had told him I would be. I walked out, told my DM and was not believed.

I don't care about how a professional handled it. I will never forgive my DM for how she ignored it.

ModreB - shit - I'm so sorry - I think you can get over things in the way that they're not there all the time - but they're still there.

I was raped at 19 & never told anyone until a few years ago - I wish I had - I felt so much shame for years.

One of my older sister's was molested by the classic 'man in the bushes' when she was seven - the police were involved but he was never caught & the whole thing was brushed away - it blighted our childhood though & I know it blighted her for years.

I think disclosure is always best.

Just shows secondary victimisation and the reason as to why many women do n't come forward!

I was raped as a teenager and didn't tell anyone. I sometimes look back and think, what if I had? I might have saved myself years of problems.

But, if I had told someone in confidence, and that person then brought in counsellors or police or what have you, I would have felt incredibly violated. Maybe in the long term it would have been the right thing, but in the short term I think it would have been pretty catastrophic for my mental health. It would have been very hard for me to trust anyone after that.

Hi therightdecision. I was raped when I was 14 by a 14 yr old boy. I did disclose this to a worker at the youth club (church based ) that I attended, she was lovely about it but all that she offered was to buy me a pregnancy test. I subsequently discovered that I hadn't been the first girl this boy had raped or tried to.

Eventually my mum was told by my sister, she did nothing and never mentioned it again.

At the time had anyone mentioned going to the authorities about it I would have been hysterical as the thought of my dad and other people knowing would have been unbearable (although I am very sure that the staff at school were aware as the whole of the pupil population were aware).
Had someone 'gone behind my back' and reported it I believe I would have been mortified and angry.
Fast forward 26 years and I know wish he had been brought to task about what he did to me, I have no doubt that the rape has affected me and my relationships since then. I am now able to talk about what happened at times. It has never been discussed between my mother and I although she has told my sister that she regrets how badly she handled the situation at the time.
I have never had counselling although it maybe something that I should look into.
So although I am sure you are wanting to keep a decent relationship between you and this girl I would doubt that will happen, I do think she will feel betrayed. However I am in no doubt that you have done the right thing and that given time this poor girl will realise that your intervention now was the correct decision.
I hope with all my heart it works out for her and she gets the help she needs, I struggled through everything after it happened to me and I do think that I managed fairly well given the circumstances.
Good luck and I really hopes that she is able to appreciate your actions are in her best interests.

Thank you all so much for sharing your personal stories and feelings with a complete stranger.

Catherine Thank you. This is the way I see it. She isn't going to know that I told those who need to know what she told me before I get to tell her first - we are all working together to make this as painless as possible. I am expecting a very explosive reaction from her but I will try very hard to make her understand that I am A) Doing what the law tells me I have to do B) trying to stop the same thing happening to other young women in the future and C) that doing this and knowing that this will cause her upset hassle and distress her in the process is very hard for me too.

What is making me very sad is the knowledge that she will never trust me, and potentially another professional again. I want to give her the confidentiality she has asked for regarding this but because of her age I can't. I agree with you Jazzicatz. I am at the point where I am considering a career change because of this.

It's all very well professionals coming along and telling me what to do - I know what to do - but when you have worked hard to form a relationship with someone and then you have to betray their trust it's not easy at all - particularly when you know that the conseqeunces are not likely to be immediately helpful, and it will take a long time for them to get over it.

it happened to me and i told only two people. they will never tell anyone else. i did not want any action taken because i did not want it to become public knowledge. i know people who still think that the women is partly to blame and would be tainted for life. it is a sad reality. i felt that the public exposure of the event would have been far worse and far more tramatic than the actual event.

:( jgirl How old were you?

OP, without wishing to be harsh, I really want to talk about your point "C) that doing this and knowing that this will cause her upset hassle and distress her in the process is very hard for me too." On top of everything else this young person will be going through, I don't think she needs to hear or will be receptive to hearing "it's hard for me too".

Do you get supervision of some sort in your role? That is the place for that discussion, IMO.

Hellonheels I agree - and I didn't put that very well. I take it you're a professional as well? Yes, I do have regular supervision of course.

I didn't post the OP because I needed ideas with how to handle it - what I'm interested in is how people have been made to feel because professionals have taken it out of their hands. In jobs like mine we make decisions which have long term effects on people's lives and I don't take it lightly. Maybe I should have posted a thread asking for people's opinions on secondary victimisation with regard to young people instead.

I was 18 at the time. He was someone I knew and was very popular at the time.

Oh god, please don't say 'this is hard for me too.' Or really anything about yourself at all.

I felt, like jj, that telling people and having to deal with all the formalities would be even more traumatising than what happened. And I think victims should be given some respect for that viewpoint.

I understand you can't do that here, because of her age, but I think really you should be apologising to her like there's no tomorrow. She won't care about the law or your job. She will only see it as a tremendous violation of trust and she's not wrong.

I would never say 'this is hard for me too'. I put that very well. I didn't mean I wanted her to be responsible for any of my emotions. I just meant that I wante her to know that I didn't take any pleasure in it.

Anyway, I'm not going to be able to let you know how things have worked out but things have progressed from yesterday in that she has started to open up to other people now about other stuff and she is being very well supported by a very good team. I think her chat with me with was just the start.

I'm going to namechange back now and I won't be posting on this thread again. Thank you for sharing your painful memories with me here, and for those who PM'd me too.

I mean I didn't put that very well.

Oh you have to tell her. The worst thing about rape is the loss of power and going behind her back to report it is repeating the loss of power. I hated all the professional-to-parents etc behind my back stuff. Ugh. Apparently it is known as secondary trauma.