Getting past childhood abuse...feel stuck.

[MoggieThatcher]

Long time reader, haven't really posted, but...here goes a long post. Recent uni graduate, living at home with abusive parents in an isolated area. I want to get out and start my life, but I don't know how, or where to begin.

I'm the youngest of a large family, and my older siblings all have mental health and/or emotional problems. My siblings would mock and belittle me, and I would be punished for complaining. Growing up was chaotic and frightening. My parents refused to explain what was wrong, and at the same time expected me to take care of a sib with HFA and bipolar. I would be smacked or punched for crying, but most of the time I was neglected. I would cry myself to sleep, but sometimes too loudly. I would be hauled out of bed and thrown against the wall. I think of my childhood as having 'done time'.

I am terrified of being shouted at, of people being angry at me. I'm in counseling as moving home has been difficult. I've been looking for jobs so I can move out, but that hasn't worked out yet. I feel like such a failure.

I'm worried that I'll never have a real relationship, or that I will be attracted to someone abusive. I'm so scared about everything. People say 'life is short,' but for me it feels so long.

I'm sorry that I haven't really posted before--please don't think I'm a troll. I'm not. The threads about what is/isn't acceptable in a relationship have been helpful to me. Growing up, I didn't think that what had happened was abuse, since my family is middle class, professional parents, etc.

How do people move on? I just want my life to be different.

I should probably mention that my parents aren't currently abusive...but it is still hard to be around them.

No one? :(

I don't really know what to suggest, Moggie but you could start by looking into counselling, your GP may be able to refer you or suggest someone. I am sorry you had such a horrible time growing up, it must be hard when probably to the outside world your parents would not necessarily be suspected of treating you like that due to their social status.

You move on by putting one foot in front of the other. Really. It is very hard, but you move a tiny tiny bit every day, and over a long period, the distance between Your Past and the moment you're living in now becomes greater and greater. The pain lessens as the distance increases.

You do need to get out of their house ASAP. That "distance" is very difficult to create and maintain while you are still there, in their physical vicinity. Talk to your GP or CAB about housing. You could even talk to the police about what to do - sometimes, pressing charges for assault can help victims of abuse to find validation and closure.

Also, laying charges might assist you in getting temporary housing somewhere away from your parents.

(I'm sure the legal stuff sounds scary - but you know what - it only sounds scary because your whole life you've been taught that no-one will be on your side.)

butterflies--I'm in counseling, which helps somewhat. Definitely class/social status does muck up people suspecting abuse...but then most people see family issues as a private thing anyway.

oikIsn't there a statute of limitations? Wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing anything to GPhe refers patients to my father. I don't know what good reporting anything would do. It was such a long time ago and my parents would lose their jobs. I don't want to ruin anyone else's life, I just want to get on with mine. Moving out is my main goal atm, though.

There is no statute of limitation in this country I reported childhood abuse (sexual) in september it ended after at least 8 years in 1983. Your not ruining anyones life they've done it to you it might be what you need to get closure, good luck.

Your parents deserve to lose their jobs. They shouldn't be working with anyone who would be referred to them by a GP, that's for sure. If their lives are ruined, that would be entirely their own doing.

It's fine if you don't want to report, but just realise that you would be acting perfectly morally if you chose to. Your parents sound unhinged and if they deal with the public, the public should actually be protected from them.

That aside I hope you find peace through counselling and that you manage to move out very soon. That really is the key. My thoughts are with you.

And as far as I know, you are still able to report the crimes they committed, yes. That "statute of limitations" thing is more of an American phenomenon, and it varies from state to state in any case.

Have you thought of joining us on the Stately Homes thread? It should be languishing around in Relationships topic somewhere. There are lots of us on there with similar family backgrounds.

You are certainly not alone, I know just what you mean about your childhood being something like 'doing time,' something that you just had to get through and get it over with.

It can and will get better though - although more distance between your family and you may be helpful. Do you ahve any supportive friends who can be there for you?

I know what you mean about feeling directionless, lost... I think everyone goes through that at some point in there life. Just go with the flow. Don't demand great things of yourself, you are not a failure. The most important thing for you is to find out who you are, what you want to do, and to gain confidence in moving through the world around you. If you spend a few years stacking shelves and dating unsuitable people, that's fine

You may not find yourself in abusive relationships - it's not a definite. Find your feet and don't rush into things, it all be fine.

Feeling scared all the time is really difficult and may be worth discussing with your GP if you are able? If it is starting to affect you negatively, beta blockers may be an option ( they supress the fight or flight response - mine is permaeantly in the on position, so they help me to function)

Sorry for the rambling!

Dotty, I am so sorry about what happened to you...hopefully things are better for you now.

Oik, yes my parents do deserve to lose their jobs. My father is in medicine, well respected in his field, blah blah. His patients love him. My parents support my SN sibling, and I don't want to mess with that. I couldn't deal with the police or litigation, right now it's all about me treading water. Hopefully swimming.

Manic, I've seen the Stately Homes thread, but it seems so overwhelming. How does it work? I have supportive friends, but I really wouldn't want to put them out. It's so hard to feel lost now, when I've wasted my childhood being alone and afraid.

Re abusive relationships...I find myself avoiding romantic entanglements in case I turn out to be a magnet for abuse. I feel attracted to men who are very sure of themselves, maybe even a bit cocky. On some level I'm very jealous of them, and it doesn't help that I compare myself with them. (Am I the only one who feels weirdly competitive with men?) It doesn't help that I'm attracted to older men (40 ish, god help me).

No worries at all about the rambling, that is where I find my best thoughts.

Moggie all you need do on the Stately Homes thread is read the stories of others, identify with others as you go along, and eventually jump in when you are ready to tell a bit of your story (usually you'll start out sharing because you want to show someone else that they're not alone in something they've experienced).

Sounds self-indulgent to those who haven't been cared for/listened to before, but in fact it's really good. Same principle as AA or a support group... learning how to move on through the stories of others, and sharing your story in order to help others.

I'm not on that particular thread myself, but participate in something similar on another forum, and I can't tell you how much it's helped me.

And if you're a rambling rambler, all the more reason to ramble to those who understand and might occasionally even be able to offer you some clarity or a new perspective :) (I am def one of those people who has to talk in order to find out how I feel/what my opinion is, so i will always recommend that sort of thread)

Thanks I'll get there moggie it will be along journey with lots of suppport but I'm also working through the crap homelife and the way we where treated by our parents with my counseller. ( pillars of the community church, school etc) we also came last and where put down a lot a garden cane was kept in the corner of the living room by my father. The only one they valued was PFB who was also our (my sisters and I) abuser I was 12 when I stopped it happening and that was accidental as I didnt know it was abuse it was normal to me.( He is 12 years older than me)

For the Stately Homes do you just jump in, or do you have to read through the whole thread? There are lots of posts, and it does seem that most had a much worse time of things than I did

You don't need to read the whole thing, not at all. start following from wherever you want -- from today. And reply if/when you feel you want to.

Wrt the stately homes, jump in. I dip in and out. It is quite intense at times, but if we are wittering on about a particular thing that strikes a chord with you, jump in and say 'me too!' That's the way it works best I think - finding other people who you have shared experiences with.

And everyybody at some point says - you had it so much worse than me! We try to trivialise our experiences! But if you are saying as an adult 'growing up was chaotic and frightening' - well that doesn't sound trivial to me. That sounds awful to live with - especially as a child with limited emotional resources and little control over your own life.

Several times in the past I've started my own threads in relationships with key words in the title that I know will attract the stately homers - of course, oi, stately homers, over ere works well too, if you want to chat XXXXX

Sounds good. Think I'll take it slow, as I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by everything on the thread. Why are there so many awful/inadequate parents?

Re minimizing the past...at least for me, it's easier to say that nothing happened. Because if something did happen, that would mean that no one had noticed, that no one came to my rescue. And what do you do with that?

Moggie I understand all the reasons why we tend to minimise these things. I minimised too.

I remember the day that I accepted, consciously, how bad it all was. So painful, i cried as if someone had died. But it was a good thing... I needed to come to terms with how monstrously unfair my childhood had been, in order to start seeing that I deserved more than that.

I hope you find support and validation in the thread. good luck.

yy Moggie.

You have to understand that no-one came to your rescue because of their own fucked-up ness and ishoos.

Literally, my mother was unable to feel empathy for me. So things like being bullied, abused by an older boy, trying to kill myself, suffering from anorexia, awful treatment from her alcoholic husband - were all met with either flat out denial (you're just being attention seeking and lying) or met with a shrug and a 'so what?' kind of attitude.

It used to kill me that she knew all the shit that had happened to me - and either didn't believe me or she did believe me and she just didn't give a shit. I'm not sure which option is worse! Now I think that she was so utterly odd and messed up that she wasn't able to parent me properly (physical and medical neglect that would stop immediately when other people noticed and commented on it) and that the shit job she did was really the best she could manage. Even feeling resonsible for cooking for me and washing my clothes, for instance, I think, felt like a hugely unfair and unreasonable demand on her time and energy. She did the best she was able (which was crap, but at least I lived to tell the tale) Anyhow I know I went off on one there but the question 'what do you do with that?' felt like a deceptively small and very important question so I wanted to answer it as best I could!

I have wondered too, there does seem to be a lot of them about. Then again, there's something about the adult children of those shit parents, we seem to be able to 'spot' each other, and talk about it amongst ourselves so it seems more common, iykwim.

It probably is v prevalent. The statistics for DV are 1 in 4, so there must be a lot of people from those backgrounds walking around.

Looking back on it, I'm saddened (though not shocked) at how in school the issue of abuse never came up. The most they talked about was that no one was supposed to touch you 'down there'. Not a peep about what you should be able to expect from your parents. A lot of people seem to think that parents are able to treat their children however they want. On some level, society views children as chattel.

Oik & Manic... :( at what your parents did. & Oik...yes at the grieving. It is such a strange feeling to grieve for yourself. And sad, too. It's always sad when a child is lost.

It is so bizarre that people have children when they resent the attention and care they have to give them. I'm v resentful about being a caregiver as a child, and don't know if I could ever have any kids. I might resent them for the attention and care I was giving them.

Manic, I think a (too large) proportion of people lack empathy for children, because doing so would require empathy for situations they were once in. If you realise that you were wronged by people who loved you, and that you were powerless...well...It's much easier to think that what happened was for your own good, or that it's the right way to raise children. But you can't empathize with others if you can't empathize with yourself.

& you didn't go off at all, it definitely helps.

Moggie, there is absolutely nothing 'little' about not feeling safe. Being hauled out of your own bed is about the most scary thing to happen.

Keep on with the counselling, keep on trying to get a job - any job, one job leads onto another, and one day you will be able to get out, into your own flatshare.

It sounds like your father is the most abusive? What is your mother like? Don't laugh, but attend Al-anon. Its the serenity prayer, that's what we need to get. (what we are responsible for, what we are not responsible for, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Moggie: when you truly mourn for your childhood, identify and get in touch with that helpless, battered and scorned little person who is still within you, I promise you, I promise you, the thought of visiting that onto your own helpless vulnerable beings - is literally unthinkable. You will get a surge of protective, tender feelings, at the moment where 'your' parents would have lashed out.

I promise you. BTDT. If I still 'minimised' my childhood and told myself that my parents were wonderful and did everything for my own good, I would have lashed out. But do you know what? The truth shall set you free.

A book: 'The Drama of the Gifted Child' by Alice Miller. It will be very painful for you, but read it. You are now from this moment on, going to live

If you are not ready for the stately homes thread, try having a look at the list of resources at the top. Alice Miller's book is there, and an often recommended book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

There are loads of websites there too.

I have found that thread to have fast tracked me through some of the waking up to just how toxic my family is. I t helped me when I went No Contact, and I still dip in from time to time.

You are very definitely not alone, and knowing that can really help too.

Thanks all. I think the best thing eventually would be no contact...but the future is such a huge blank. And it's hard not to be jealous of friends my age whose parents are supportive. We did family counselling, but my parents felt they were being attacked.

Abit--my parents were equally abusive. It was a 'good cop, bad cop' situation, so I always had to be on my toes.