MIL big personality clash

[nearlynarly]

I don't get on with my MIL at all, I find her so difficult to be around and it is just a case of a complete personality clash and different values. We live far away so don't see her often, but I know I need some kind of relationship with her for the sake of our family. I made a real effort last time we went to stay, but after 2 days I felt completed suffocated, completely trapped. The thing is I am a calm person, and she is loud, bossy and in everyones face constantly, and she lives in a very small house so there is just no escaping it when we are there. She doesn't let ds 13MO have a moment to himself, he has to perform constantly and it drives me crazy and he ends up getting upset, as there is too much non stop stimulation, which I then have to deal with. I am a polite person, and don't ever have troubles with getting on with people and she isn't a bad person, it is just a case of a massive personality clash. When I am there, I find myself going and sitting on my own in the bedroom, and sometimes taking ds with me, just to get away from it all. I feel so tense that I generally end up crying. DH completley understands, and also finds it difficult to be there with her, so it is not just me. The thing is, we then leave and won't see her again for a while and I can't help but think she can tell that there's a problem, becuase I finding myself withdrawing and withdrawing the longer the time I am there, and then after the relief of leaving I feel really guilty. I am not very assertive, and don't know if there is anything I can do to make the situation better. I realise that we are not going to be best of friends, but I just don't want to dread going there which I do, becuase I do want her in our lives. At the moment it is just such a negative churned up feeling.

Limit yourself to two day visits. Why stay any longer if you don't enjoy it?

Theres more to this I think than your letting on,you havent compared your MILs relationship with your ds towards your own mothers relationship,you havent really spoken about the relationship your dh has with his mum either.

I empathise with you I didnt get on with my mil.I had no mother of my own to guide and support the difficulties and my h was a real mummies boy,perhaps I am wrong perhaps there isnt more to this so you could .....

1.invite her to stay at yours instead of you visiting her
2.visit her but stay 2 nights in a travelodge and 1 night at hers or let ds sleep at hers and you and dh have a night together.
3.explain to mil that you want to build a relationship with her and perhaps in the time you are there you do 'stuff' with her therefore youre not 'trapped' in the house.
4.cut straight to the point explain ds doesnt have a consant vigil over him hes not a performing seal and she needs to calm down.

thanks tooeasily yes, 2 day visits, staying for 2 nights would be managable i think. The problem is that because we live far away when we go we are expected to stay for longer. We have friends close by, so maybe next time we can do 2 days at hers, then 2 days at friends and then back to hers for 2 days. I wish I could tell her how I feel, ask her if she could just tone it down a bit, and I have tried to subtly, but no use and i don't want to be more obvious as she is one for holding big grudges.

thanks jolly not sure I understand what you mean about there maybe being more than i'm letting on - could you explain what you are thinking?

DH and his mum are not very close at all, but he respects that she is his mother and loves her for that evern though they don't have a 'friendship'.

I wasnt being unpleasant,I wondered to be blunt if you perhaps had no mum or had had issues with your own mum as usually people say my mil is dreadful for xyz my own mum whilst being a pain most of the time totally understands etc etc .....it was just unusual for there not to be a comparison ....sorry if i upset you

Have a similar problem with MIL - we live in another country so when we see them it used to be for five days or so. This was too much as we had to spend all of that time with pils and not see friends. We now spend 3 days with them and 3 with friends. They are clearly disappointed and lay on the guilt but since they do that anyway i try not to care. Shorter visits are more bearable.

You should not feel guilty at all.
Why?
You stay polite and calm, that's do much more than other people I can manage.
Enjoy the relief of driving away.

jolly , no, i didn't think you were being unpleasant and you didn't understand me, i just didn't understand. No, I have a mum, a wonderful mum who invests a great deal into our ds, both time and money. I happily leave ds with her, and she is so gentle and kind to him. I find my MIL is quite selfish with her relationship with ds. She lays it on so thick when we go and visit, and plays at having a really close relationship with him, so much i feel she is suffocating us, yet since he was born she hasn't offered to buy anything at all to help us out etc, nothing even very small, and as myself and dh have had some money difficulties it has been down to my mother to help out financially. I suppose it isn't her job to help us out, I understand that, but it does annoy me.

nectarina good to know that you have a similar issue, that it's not just me! It's really been eating away at me, and i spoke with DH about it last night and we agreed that we'll limit ourselves to 2 night stays from now on, as I do want us to have a good relationship with her, but if we stay any longer i think this will be impossible! We can do two nights with her, a few nights away and then maybe another 2 nights with her if necessary. We also live far away from her, and she will also be disappointed i'm sure, but it definitely is for the best, even if she doesn't realise it, cos otherwise i will not want to go and see her at all. and there is no point being there if I am hiding away!

Coffee i guess i feel guilty, because i am not used to feeling like this. I generally get on with anyone and make a huge effort with people, but I find myself backing away from her and really dreading her company. It is so unlike me and i don't like feeling like this and feel bad that i can't get on with her. But you are right, i just need to stay calm and polite, and also try and be more assertive, and if she is being over the top with ds take him out for some time-out and stop worrying about what she is thinking and whether she minds! I think she might be a little bit lacking in social intelligence, unable to read social situations, and not able to see how over the top, loud and exhausting her behaviour is. And i think limiting the amount of time we stay there will help me to remain polite. I guess the guilt comes because I don't want to be mean, and i feel like i am plotting to stay away from her, but i just need to remember it is for self-preservation, and preservation of our relationship with her!

I had issues with my mil years ago when the dcs were small (still do bu the are differen now)

Looking back, I think part of it was the lack of control I felt over the dcs during visits to mil - starting with 'the grab' as soon as we arrived in the car! The first time ds refused to go to her I thnk startled her into calming down a bit.

Now that the dcs are older, it is much easier. They remove themselves and quite frankly are usually much noisier than she could ever be!

I suggest visiting for less time and less frequently (or get her to travel to you, which we started doing). My mil moved further away from us a few years ago and when I pointed out to her that it would be more difficult to visit her because of the longer journey, she said we would have to go for longer each time then. We didnt, we now go much less often but wesince had another baby and a very travel sick child.

Look to see what days out you can have - are there any family zoos/farms, soft play centres you could visit? You could all go together. So you at still spending time together but not with the focus all on your ds. Even going to a play park would be good.

A rambling post but it does get better as the dcs get older and more independent. Just keep repeating to yourself that a least he has a grandparent who wants to see him

I wonder if she is OTT because she is excited about seeing your ds and wanting to make the most of every minute he is there - hence the constant stimulation? Maybe if you saw more of her, it might be a bit calmer??

I had this and didn't want confrontation, so here are my tips/solutions:

Am guessing your DS is first grandchild? She'll back off when she's got more. Probably nostalgic over your dh's childhood.

Wait until your DS is older and can talk/ walk away and starts whining and tantrumming. MIL won't be able to raise the smiles so easily then!

Rent somewhere or stay in b&b, being trapped in small house together is hell. I remember staying at ILs and DS woke in the night with stomach bug. I was in kitchen with screaming DS, covered in sick with MIL and FIL crammed in corner panicking and trying to take him away from me!

I remember exactly how this feels but it can get better. I try to remember that it's just enthusiasm and love for my DS. But then mine are at the age that they love their grandparents but no- one is better at making them laugh, loving them better etc than me!