Am being sent over the edge - really need some anonymous advice.

[dontknowwhichwayisup]

I had my first son whilst very young and living in an 'alternative community'. I became very ill after his birth and was diagnosed with early stage peurperal psychosis after I did something unforgivable and hurt my baby. I was sent to prison but was soon moved to a psychiatric unit. Social services accepted that I was a good mother that would be able to take good care of her child once I had recovered. I now care for my son and have gone on to have two subsequent children with no problems. Let me be clear when I say the physical abuse of children makes me sick to my stomach - I never ever even smack mine. I consider myself to be a good mum.

In the community I lived in (which I left a long time ago) excessive alcohol use and drug taking were common. The kids in the community witnessed all this and also had some of their educational and physical needs neglected. None of the adults saw this as wrong, and I didn't either until I left and lived in more mainstream society. I can now see how warped it was and feel extremely ashamed that I (and my young son, I moved away when he was around 4) were a part of it.

My sons father and I have always shared his care. His father still lives in an alternative community that is similar in values to the one in which we lived then. My guilt at what had happened when our son was a baby led me to always be very accomodating of his fathers wishes when it came to contact eg I would have our son during the school week (as his father hadn't initially wanted him to go to school and didn't want to be tied down by it all) and his father would then have him every weekend and for the vast majority of the school holidays.

About four years ago something changed for me. There had been a row over contact at christmas (with me once again expected to just accept the short straw) and I began to feel it was very unfair that I did all the hard work in the school week but was always losing out when it came to quality time. I started to feel that I wasn't going to accept being punished forever for something that had happened a long ago when I was seriously ill. At around the same time my son started coming home saying things that really worried me eg that his father was leaving him alone at night to go out and socialise (my son had got up one morning to find himself alone and had had to go out looking for his dad.) Also that he had slept at a party and had woken up surrounded by adults he didn't know who were very drunk and taking drugs. His father hadn't been there. I also knew that his father was dealing weed and was concerned about the effect it would have on my son if he got caught. I also worried about my son thinking dealing was somehow a cool thing to do because his dad was doing it.

I knew from experience that I couldn't have a reasonable conversation with his father about these concerns - I would be dismissed or shouted down. So I went to see a solicitor about a) my concerns and b) wanting more contact and for my son to spend less time in this 'alternative community.' I could see some of their actions and attitudes as deeply innappropriate and was worried about the effect on my child.

As you can imagine it all blew up. My sons father was livid and called me all the names under the sun, including hypocrite. Of course his entire community stuck by him and I am now pretty much ostracised by them (apart from a few exceptions.) I still have to see these people all the time and I find it very difficult - the amount of hostility is awful. These people are disgusted by me.

My son does now spend more time with me but I don't know which way is up anymore. Don't know whether I did the right thing or whether I'm a monster. I went to counselling and my counseller said I did the brave and right thing. So why do I feel so utterly crap? I just wanted to protect my child and have him spend more time in my (safer) care.

I would appreciate some strangers thoughts on this please.

Taking everything you say at face value, I don't think he should be staying in that community at all; his father is putting him in danger. I would stick with it and get full custody if I could, with no overnights if he can't be trusted to actually look after him.

Well they all sound a bit mad to me - sorry. If he were my son i would do everything in my power to get him away from there. You sound very strong - get legal advice

Well done for taking action and putting your son first. Being ostracised by that 'community' seems like a good thing to me, they don't really sound that qualified to offer you parenting advice or criticise your choices.

I would be making sure that my child was never around them again, or your XP for that matter, but that's just me.

Agree with Tubby I would want full custody.

Do you have family/close friends who can give you support?

This was a few years ago that it all blew up. We went to mediation and I said that I would continue to allow some contact (although less) on the condition that his father stopped dealing, stopped leaving him alone at night, and stopped exposing our son to situations in which people were drunk or taking drugs.

As far as I'm aware his father has done all those things. Our son has certainly never told me anything to cause me concern again, although I think he may be reluctant to as it was obviously very taumatic for him when his father and I were arguing and a lot of people from the community to not attempt to disguise their contempt for me, even in front of him.

do not, sorry.

I was also told by a solicitor that his father would always be entitled to some access. Also I didn't want to stop access completely because it would have broken my sons heart, and also his fathers.

His father does love him, despite everything. He's just got really warped ideas about what is and isn't appropriate for children.

I would want only supervised access until I was sure that none of the dodgy stuff was still going on. You sound pretty reasonable, and I think you should trust your instincts. I too think you did a brave thing.

I think you have done absolutely the correct thing in trying to get your son away from the commune life he is being subjected to.
Is it a biker gang, ie: Hells Angel type fraternity?

i think that you did the right thing, becuse mainstream people backed you up and that means that your mainstream judgement was correct.

On the other side of the fence the community you have seperated yourself from have now seperated from you. its one thing for you to reject thier lifestyle, thats your choice, but you have brought the mainstream judgement to them and in thier minds thats wrong.

However i look at this from your sons point of view, and feel that you have done the right thing. protect the kids, they are the future.

Any parent, however they choose to live, should be protecting their children from anxiety and dangers. From the rain forest tribes to suburbia. I'm pretty sure I know the type of community you're talking about. I've seen a few. Yurts, dreadlocks, hash, dub and a dog on lead.

High ideals, buried under the fug of daily dope smoking. Maybe I'm wrong.

It's ironic that they, as a community, would allow ( neglect ) a child to wake up somewhere surrounded by drunk / stoned strangers.

I know another mother who was in the same situation as you, she left too.

The thing about not spending any quality time with your dc is pretty normal too. It's only fair that you have some weekends.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. The father has said he's changed his behaviour. Hopefully he has. He can't expect to have the dc every weekend and all the holidays. If the 'community' cause you grief then try and organize things so that you don't come in contact with them.

Stop beating yourself up. You've done the right thing.

Yes Mr Gin, these people see themselves as intensely moral folk (and in some ways they are.)

They care very much about social inequality and the environment and all power to them. However the flip side of this can sometimes translate into a hatred of the system and so called 'straight' society. They prefer to make their own rules for how life should be lived, and fair enough I suppose as long as they're not harming anyone else.

But my ex still very much views it as he could possibly have told social services or a solicitor lots of things about my behaviour with regards to drinking and drugs e.t.c. at the time I was recovering from having been ill and gradually building up the time I spent caring for my son (he had had to take on the lions share of caring for him during that time) but he didn't. Therefore how can I justify saying anything now?

But what he doesn't seem to understand is that a) my mental health was still extremely precarious and I was just coping in the only unhealthy way I knew how. b) he was doing all those things too anyway. And c) I changed my behaviour a long time ago when I realised it was wrong and innappropriate for a parent to behave in those ways and he still sees nothing wrong with it.

He just believes I owe him big time I think and that I have no right to complain. But this isn't about him or me, it's about what's best for our boy. And like I said in my opening op I have decided I will not be punished forever or allow my guilt to stop me doing what I feel is the right thing.

You said it all in your last post, Dontknow.

You are spot on and absolutely right - you are doing what you instinctively know is right for your son. It's not about what you did or didn't do in the past, it's about protecting him now.

I would be deeply concerned - well scared shitless - at the idea of my son staying in the same house as adult strangers (fucked up on drugs and drink) without his father there. That is a very vulnerable position for him to be in.

All the other stuff, which I fully appreciate is very tough, ie you being wrongly painted as a disloyal, possibly hysterical, hypocrite, is irrelevant.

You cannot change what they think or say about you, you need to find a way to get some peace with that.

I also know people like that, they are so afraid of appearing mainstream they can end up in all types of horrible situations which don't appear to be better solutions than the mainstream whatsoever.

On a practical level, do you have to have any contact with the commnunity at all? Can you not get your ex to come and pick up from yours, or drop off from the car. I would limit your own personal contact massively if you can, so who cares what they say behind your back.

You absolutely did the right thing, and your guilt about the early years can't reflect on what you do now to protect your son. These people don't like what you did as you caught them out, and exposed them for what they were doing, barely able to protect themselves or their children and not in touch with reality.

Have you got support in RL (friend, relation?) who could support you a bit more during this time til you feel a bit better about it all?

Is there a reason why you still have contact with this community? Do you live close to them?

I have namechanged for this as it could easily out me. I lived somewhere similar to this place when my dd was very small too, and did some fairly unforgiveable things too. Her father also lived there, albeit in a different flat and sounds quite similar to your ex ... I wonder if its the same place? Anyway, you have absolutely done the right thing. Why worry if these idiots don't 'like' you anymore? My take is that they really need to 'grow up' and stop thinking society owes them. They do take the moral high ground I know but you need to treat them as the twerps they are! If you are brave enough you could report your son's father to the police for dealing. It may not get anywhere but it may equally jolt him into thinking about what he is doing? I never did but sometimes wish I had. My ex also used the 'I could have had you put away' argument etc, to justify his shitty behaviour. You have to be incredibly strong and be there for your son. I really hope this helps.

I know I do Proud

I tell myself over and over that I do not need the approval of others (especially people I disagree so vehemently with) to feel ok about myself.

I tell myself that beating myself up and feeling endlessly guilty about the past is not only a bit self-indulgent but does absolutely nothing to change anything - that it only makes me unhappy and that my children deserve a cheerful mother.

I tell myself that I'm a good mum now and have been for years, and that my children enjoy a safe, warm, and supportive environment.

And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm fine. But having to deal with these peoples hostility gets me down and makes me feel I'm somehow tainted.

Yes, to the people that asked - I do live near this community. I live in a house in a place nearby.

People there are starting to send their children to school (which never used to happen) which is great, but my children also go to the same school so I see them outside the school gates and at different school related events.

I feel too awkward to help out with things like the PTA and the school fete e.t.c. because I know they'll be there.

I'd love to move but it really isn't an option at the moment, practically or financially.

Well you're human. We all beat ourselves up about past mistakes, we all care what other people think, we all dread awkward social moments.

Are you still having counselling? Did you learn useful coping strategies when you were ill in hospital? Can you revisit any of those learnings now to help you deal with this situation? Are you still under a social worker?

No, haven't been under a social worker for years. As soon as they felt I was sufficiently recovered they signed us off - they never had any issues with my parenting as such.

I'm not receiving counselling anymore although I did learn some useful CBT like skills around replacing negative self talk with more postitive statements e.t.c. when I went for my most recent round.

All this happened about 13 years ago now. I don't remember huge amounts about my stay in the psychiatric ward except that most of the workers were just ordinary folk there to contain the patients more than anything. I didn't really receive much therapeutic help there.

Like I said, most of the time I can be fine. I'm a single mum of three kids with a challenging job that I enjoy. I have hobbies and interests and friends (although far less friends now than I once had - see above) like everyone else. I feel grateful for how well things have turned out for me really. It's just this awful constant questioning of myself.

My ex also refuses to believe that I was genuinely concerned about our son but thinks my motivation for taking action was purely selfish in that I just wanted more contact. I imagine that's the impression he's given to everyone else too. I'm the sort of person that finds it incredibly hard to deflect criticism and tends to think the worst of themselves so instead of just saying to myself, 'that's rubbish and he's just telling himself that to avoid taking responsibility for the things he was doing wrong' I'll sink into a pit and tell myself, 'maybe he's right, maybe I'm just a terrible person' and so it goes on...

I feel like I've done counselling to death to be honest. It never seems to make a huge amount of difference. I find my self-esteem in the practical day to day business of trying to live well.

You are not a terrible person. Say 'I am not a terrible person' over and over with feeling. Or have it tattooed on

You absolutely did the right thing. I was raised in an alternative type way, which has it's good points, but without any boundaries or responsible adults around, which as you know, is the flip side. It's hard to stick to your guns when everyone jumps on a bandwagon cos you're harshening their buzz, man (and maybe making think being so cool may not be all it's cracked up to be).

Yous said - "I find my self-esteem in the practical day to day business of trying to live well." Honey, I'm going to get that tattooed on me! Love it. I find that arty crafty stuff makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside too.

Thanks everyone for your really kind responses. I appreciate them.