Confused

[dontknowwhattodo1467]

me and my partner have a 9 month old son and had a very healthy sex life before she fell pregnant (3 or 4 times a day),i understand that sex wouldnt be on her mind as much during pregnancy and i dealt with that but our son is 9 months old now and i can count on one hand how many times we have done it,our son goes to my mums 1 night a week and she sees that as "our chance" but she seems more pre-occupied with watching soaps than spending time with me in bed,she seems to think that the second she says "lets go to bed" that i jump up and am "up for it" (which i'm not 99% of the time,therefore leading to non-performance),i have tried talking to her about it and been honest but she turns it round on me saying things like "you obviously dont find me attractive anymore" and "i obviously cant turn you on any more" etc, it doesnt feel like i am in a relationship with her,it feels more like we are housemates who had a baby than in a loving relationship,what should/could i do to change the situation ?

Women often do feel unattractive after having a baby as their body changes and if partners say or do the slightest wrong thing women tend to take that as not being attracted too. I'd say she also tired and when u get free time sex isn't always the first thing u want to do. Compliments r always nice to hear

It's not the first thing I want to do but I when she does want it I feel like she is only doing it to keep me happy and not wanting to do it which doesn't help,it feels so clinical

I can't get past the 3/4 times a day!!!!! WOAHHHH!!!

I don't think a 3-4 times A DAY sex life is healthy, more obsessive/compulsive/sex addiction level actually. Anyway, with a 9 month old baby you're never going to get back to that.

I feel like she is only doing it to keep me happy and not wanting to do it which doesn't help Why do you think this? The only way she'd be doing it to "keep you happy" when she didn't really want to have sex is if you're pressuring her or pestering her for sex.

We had only been together for a few months before she fell pregnant,I don't want to get back to 3/4 times a day but its less than once a month,am I being unreasonable ?

Sorry I wasn't helpful. Less than once a month is not good for me neither is less than once a week. I remember after having my 1st I had some psychological issues with being a Mum v being sexy I couldn't reconcile the 2. You need to both discuss and try to figure what the underlying issue is

X

Did your wife have a traumatic birth? Stitches? Ceasarean? Birth related traumatic injury can really affect how a woman feels about sex and also, with scar tissue, lead to fear of sex.

She will also be dealing with how her body has changed. Most women don't understand that men actually find a real woman's body attractive. We are bombarded every day by so called 'perfect' celebrity bodies.

If you can afford it, take her shopping for some new clothes for herself, or book her some time with some pampering if she's into that sort of thing. If money is tight then see if the local college does cheap rates for beauty treatments. Help her to begin to feel attractive again by treating her as a beautiful woman and a mother so that she can begin to understand it's not an either/or situation.

And don't pressure her into sex. On your night in, just cuddle up to her, fetch her a glass of wine or spoil her by cooking a dinner without any expectations. Take sex off the agenda for a few more months - it won't hurt you, and rediscover the romance of the relationship, and allow both of yourselves to find your new place in the world as parents.

Birth was pretty much "normal",she tore slightly but didn't need stitches,I tell her everyday that she is sexy and that I love her exactly how she is,she hasn't ever had the "perfect" body which is why I fancied her but she doesn't see that,money is tight for us and she's never been into the pampering scene,I try and cuddle up to her and be romantic but she thinks I am after something when I do which makes me not want to do it,it's a vicious circle but I don't know how to break it,thanks for all the advice and I welcome more with open arms

Keep doing the cuddling bit without expecting anything else - this will restore her confidence in you. What has she said when you have discussed your frustrations with her?

She turns it round on me and says things like "sorry I can't satisfy you" and makes it feel like I am being selfish,I don't ask or expect sex while our son is with us and I don't expect it when he goes to my mums for the night but she thinks I do ....even if I say I don't,if she wants it but I don't then she says stuff like "you obviously don't find me attractive" and "I don't turn you on anymore",all this stuff makes me feel I am in a no win,damned if I do and damned if I don't,it feels hopeless sometimes