Access to DD - advice please

[Rebekmah]

Hi, posted just before Xmas. Found out that over a period of 18 months"d"p had 2 affairs. My DD is 20 months old. Tried to work through the first one, then found out about the second just before Xmas. Allowed him to stay (its my house) to get through Xmas with as little dispuption to DSS, DS and DD.
So he's moving out next week. He has DSS everyother w/e. He plans to continue to pick dd up twice a week from Nursery and bring her back to my house (he's not going to be local).
He has casually announced that he'd love to "hang out" at my place whenever he can to see dd and bring dss over for lunch that he is proposing to cook so we can have "family" time. Also offering to take all kids out (DS is by ExH). I have no issues with him seeing DD, he clearly dotes on her or for her to spend time with DSS. However, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him turning up most weekends and "hanging" out in my house whilst I am mouring the loss of the relationship and trying to get my head round the lies, the cheating and the feeling that I never really know the man. I've held it together for the sake of the kids for nearly two months and I really need some space. I dont want to confuse DS anymore than he's going to be. Am I out of order here?

Not out of order.

He wants to play happy families and make his behaviour seem more acceptable than it is. Your emotions must be all over the place and you need to look after and protect yourself..you're going to need lots of strength and time to grieve.

I think you need to work out what is acceptable to you and what you can really cope with and don't be steam-rollered into an arrangement that will make you feel terrible.

No, you're not out of order - he most definitely is.

As if cheating & lying were not enough, he's now trying to emotionally blackmail you, by making out that he's trying to play nice, and minimise disruption to the kids, and if you block it, then you'll be the bad guy...

He really sounds quite unpleasant. He clearly doesn't care that your hurting, and being around him hurts you. Instead he wants to carry on having a normal family life for his kids, and is damning your feelings.

As nice as his fantasy is (that you can shag around, and still your poor heartbroken ex will suck it up & play happy families), it is just that a fantasy.

You've broken up. He can take DD out, and she can see DSS when he's with ex. I don't think it would hurt for him to pick up DD from nursery, but only if you're comfortable with him being around so much.

As for DS, he's your son, it really is your decision there.

Thank you. He's been really nice, which I find quite uncomfortable. I've been sleeping really badly recently and he actually offered to sleep in with me last night (he's on sofa) as it "might make me sleep better"?!! I know he is deluded and yet at the same time playing down what actually happened to family and friends. I know I can't trust him at all so I just need to work out the best option for the kids, without me looking like I'm being unreasonable.

I find that keeping contact between me and STBXH to a minimum works best.

STBXH turns up to collect DD as though he is my best pal .. he's not he constantly lied to me.

You can't move on with him constantly hanging around and you certainly can't trust anything he says!