kids & new relationships advice please.

[gigglepin]

Sister has met a new man, and her 8 year old is really unsettled by it.
Sis has never had a relationship since having dn so its all very new.

Niece is very difficult, argumentative, nasty to new fella. disruptive etc etc.

New fella is almost at end of his tether and is talking about ending the relationship..he has tried really really hard and has been fab with her, so its not for a lack of trying.

Any advice is very much appreciated.
Thanks x

How long has dsis been seeing the guy?

If sis and her chap are serious enough with each other to take the time, a few sessions of family therapy with Relate might help.

Does your niece have much to do with her dad? If he's around, and decent, he might be the best one to talk to niece about mum's new friend

No dad, DN has never met him.

seeing man for 9 weeks thats all, but seriously ehad over heals.

They have decided that they dont want to split and so have decided to not be around dn for a while, to let her settle down.

2 things...

1. Nine weeks - bit quick to be introducing the boyf imho...but to each their own

1. Why is your sister tolerating her dd's rude behaviour? While I can understand the little girl feeling threatened by this fella, her bad manners need taking to task. Your sister's job is to reassure her wee daughter of her unerring devotion....and to stamp out the bad behaviour by means of discipline. The daughter seems to have the upper hand entirely here - and that is not right!

It seems really fast to me to have introduced dn to the new man if they've only been together 9 weeks. Dsis should slow things right down.

It's ridiculous that new man is expecting to be accepted by dn in that short a time and has threatened to end the relationship. Nuts. He should be prepared to take it slowly.

Going too fast too soon is a red flag in a relationship. Dsis needs to get a grip.

He has "tried really really hard" in nine weeks. Pfft.

They've only been together 9 weeks and she's already introduced him to her DD and not only that, expects then to have a warm fluffy relationship .

Well that's hardly enough time for your sister to know and love him, never mind her daughter.

Has he moved in??

If yes, then your sister is a silly bisom and expecting way too much of her daughter.

If no, then I would be expecting some better behaviour from the girl.

Well i agree 100% BUT sis doesnt see this as an issue at all..when i raised my eyebrows, she became very defensive. (re the short time to introduction)

Many problems with discipline, ongoing and i have to bite my tongue allot. She is very..shall we say, unintersted in my neice.

No wonder the child acts out.

Oh dear.
Now we get to it.

Hmm....poor girl. Is her mother just all for the new boyf then?

Not moved in as such but there nearly all of the time.

Its all very sudden and very new, sis has not had a realtionship for all the time she has had dn (8 years)

See i agree with you all, and i know what you are saying, BUT how do i advise when she asks??

You tell her that her daughter should be her priority, not her relationship. And that you're her sister and you love her and that's why you're being blunt.

I can think of plenty you could say....but I fear you would be as well banging your head against a brick wall.

The boyf's the priority, so that is that. It is very sad, and frustrating to watch for you I'm sure...but some women are just really fucking stupid and selfish that way.

Poor child.

Can she come and live with you? Kidding NOT

How do you advise her - direct her to Mumsnet. She obviously won't listen to it from you. I think if she posted on here the overwhelming majority would tell her she's rushed this and needs to seriously slow down.

But you are all mine!!! she will know its me and everything!

jeeez, it would be the best advice to send her here.....

sulks and stomps off........

slams door like stroppy teenager...

i dont want to share you all

brick walllllll slam slam slam....

She will not listnen, its like she has blinkers on. She shoves her off to my mums like 6 nights a week, my mum cares for dn 80% of the time...always has.

Get the thread deleted. Name change, repost and direct her here, then name change back again when the dust settles?

Agree with TooEasily...I've recommended MN twice to people who've asked for my advice when I've felt that if I honestly give it, it may spoil the relationship between us [wimp emoticon].

Also, I'd be trying to arrange lots of sleepovers and days out with you if that's possible, positive attention is going to be good for your DN whoever it comes from.

Jeeezus! 9 weeks in and he's there most of the time and daughter is packed off to GPs 6 nights a week, there's no wonder she's playing up.

By comparison, my GF and I each have a child from our previous marriages, and we waited 6 months before involving the kids in the relationship, and another 2-3 months (can't remember exactly) before sleepovers. Her 6yo DD now hugs and kisses me and tells me she loves me, something she only does with very close family (parents and GPs), and my 4yo DS jumps on my GF and hugs/kisses her too (but he does that with everyone ). So glad we took it steady!

Oops, forgot the main point of why I was replying.

If you can talk to the BF separately, it might be worth getting him to suggest that DSis and DN set some time aside each week as quality mother daughter time (as it sounds like this isn't happening). Might help to calm her fears, and she may accept him a bit more then.

If it wasn't for the daughter I'd suggest leaving the idiots to their own devices...