Surviving a separation

[Llareggub]

I've just separated from my husband. I'd say it is due to his unreasonable behaviour, and I am very cross with him still.

He is trying very hard to show me that he has changed but it will be a long time before I can believe it. In the meantime, we are living apart but he is coming over every day to see our children, who are under 5.

At the moment I am happy for this arrangement to continue, as I think it important that our sons see both of us. What I am finding hard is keeping my crossness from coming out when I see him. I think I am acting a little like a stroppy teenager, which apart from making his past behaviour seem less important, is not good for me or anyone else, for that matter.

I am keen to ensure that we all get on OK for the sake of the children. I would consider joint counselling but I'm not sure that I want us to get back together, which is what my husband wants. I do love him but I am not at all sure I can see a future together as I am always afraid that his past behaviour will repeat itself. Without going into detail, it is addiction related. He is seeing a psychologist and various other people.

I've told him that I won't be in a position to make a decision about our future for some time - at least 12 months or so - as I need time to see a sustained improvement in his behaviour. Also I am not sure what he will be like after his treatment, and I wonder if we will both want the same things.

I'm rambling a little.

Try to spend as little time as possible with him. Can he see the children on his own? If not then try to at least keep out of the room while he's around and don't talk to him except about practical matters relating to the children. You're bound to be angry and emotional still and you can't expect to have a civil friendship at this stage.

I do try to get out of the room and leave him to it, but I also feel the need to be around and watch for signs of his addiction. TBH I feel quite paranoid about that.

I don't really know what to suggest. Sounds like some specialist advice might be needed. Maybe his social worker can help, if he has one? Someone will be along with more useful suggestions than me in a minute, I'm sure. Take care. Can see you're in a difficult position.

Yes, I think you might be right about specialist advice. No social worker involved, just a psychologist and lots of AA people.

Having mulled things over, I've booked to see a counsellor tomorrow. I think it makes sense to chat this over with someone like that before doing anything jointly. I suspect it is way too early for me to think about joint counselling.

He is here now, and I am trying my best to remain civil. It is really hard, as he is really trying to be affable and spend time with our children and I am finding it so hard not to thump pans around the kitchen. I even managed to offer him some roast potatoes, so maybe there is progress.

Best not to cook, clean or do any other jobs for him if you are serious about separating. If you start offering him food, drinks etc he'll see that as a sign that you are softening and want him back. Good for you to speak to a counsellor. Make sure you see someone who understands addiction and how to deal with addictive partners. Good luck.

Thank you. Unfortunately, due to my current lack of income I am rather restricted as to my choice of counsellor. I'm not doing anything for him as such, but do offer him food so that he can eat with the children. I am trying to keep things as stable for our boys as possible.

Last night was awful and reminded me why I am pursuing this path. I have got an interview next week for a job so that will help with my independence.

This is the first time i have corresponded on a site like this. My friend suggested this. The first thing I have just realised is that my nick name makes me look like a man. I'm not I am a lady and a mother. Your situation sounds indentical to mine 2 years ago. I did all that we seperated my husband left but came back to see the children I was angry exactly the same and then he came back, and after sometime his unreasonable behaviour was back. again we seperated and it happened again! i could never understand why I kept doing the same i.e, having him back and then in the same position time and time again. I was just not strong enough. So we seperated for good last Summer, i am not saying you are going to be the same as me. but in my experience it never changes! I just got stronger each time and eventually did not want him back. I am so much happier being a single parent and having everything final insofar as we are now getting Divorced.

My problem now is coping with his absolute unreasonable behaviour in him seeing that i am doing ok. he now treats me really badly in other ways. i am now so angry with this situation that i cannot stop arguing with him in front of our son. he gouds me and i bit. Anybody else out there have the same problem ?