Have asked (D)H to leave and he is refusing

[notsoladyjess]

Sorry if this is long.

I have been with DH for 16 years, married for 8, 2 lovely DSs (6 and 8). DH is not a bad person but he is a lazy arse, smokes weed every day, lies in til nearly midday every weekend and barely manages to wake up in time for work. When he does work he earns good money contracting so he is not utterly useless. he is rather manipulative but in a passive kind of way which i find infuriating. and of course when i react i am being unreasonable and hysterical.

I realise that over the years I just made excuses for his slack behaviour and in Septmeber I decided enough was enough and told him i wanted to separate. aded to that our sex life has been far from fulfilling for me for years. I always thought it didn't matter but after years of it, as well as his lack of effort in other areas, it just took its toll. To cut a long story short he is refusing to leave the house. I am not trying to distance him from the kids at all but we cannot continue to live together. I just want to move on and be free. i would be happy to share the care of the DSs.

He is point blank refusing to move out annd I wanted to know if anyone else had gone through this and whether you have any advice. I am loathe to move out as i am the primary carer of the boys and i just wouldn't ever leave them. equally i can understand that he doesn't want to leave them either. due to his job he sometimes works from home for 6 months so spends a lot of time with the DSs and does pick ups and homework, etc. what i am trying to say is that he is not a distant father type.

I am so tired of it all. Since I told him, i found out he has been on a casual sex site which i find really so sleazy. INterestingly it has made me totally detached from him (I was feeling guilty about hurting him before). i don't mind if he wants to go on these sites but not while he is living with me!! it is so pitiful (in my opinion).

sorry for the ramble but i am exhasted of living in this house with him, he still continues to be a lazy bastard and even asks if there is anny dinner when he gets in!!!! arghhhh! i work 4 days a week in london so it is not as if i am sitting around at home with f alll to do.

any advice on how to get him to leave? divroce mediation?

x

Whose house is it? Is it in joint names? Can't imagine you can just chuck him out in that case.... Incidentally if you've dumped him, it's none of your business if he goes on sex sites, so long as children don't know about it.

Do you own your house or rent it? Could you afford to set up somewhere else with the dc on your income? Find out what benefits you would be entitled to on your own, it might surprise you how much help you can get.
Don't cook him dinner or clear up after him any more - all the time you are doing that he won't go anywhere. You are making life too easy for him.

if the house is in joint names, you cannot force him to leave in these circumstances

I suggest you see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings

oh, and if he is using sex sites, please don't ever sleep with him again

First, I'd say go see a solicitor. Some do a free half hour or fixed fee appointment. You can find out who on the Law Society website.

Second, are you renting or do you own your house? If he won't leave - can't you (with DC)? If renting, look for a new house or flat near DSs' school and when you have one, give notice so you're not responsible for rent anymore.
If you own, I have no idea. Don't forget to apply for tax credits, maybe you'll qualify for housing benefit. Set up your own bank acct if you haven't already.

Is it possible to have a proper conversation with your H? Along the line of 'neither of us is happy, we have to do something, it'll be better for all of us etc etc'. Or get a sensible family member or friend to talk to him if you have someone like that?

It goes without saying that you've hopefully stopped doing his washing or cooking for him.

Sounds like a terrible situation that could drive you all round the bend very quickly, so it's important you get solid advice and sort out the housing situation.

If your house is in joint names you can't kick him out I would think unless he's being abusive. Are you at least sleeping separately?

Take kaluki's advice and stop doing anything for him. no cooking, no laundry, no kick out of bed if he's late for work.

I think, other than moving out with the DCs yourself, your only way out of this is to file for divorce for unreasonable behaviour. What you've described fits the bill. He can contest it but without two years separation its your only option really.

Get to a solicitor and get the ball rolling, if nothing else he will have to respond. If he doesn't contest it could all be over in 4-6 months.

I'm a divorce lawyer and see this scenario all the time. In my experience, once they receive the petition, and esp. when they receive the decree nisi the penny does drop that they need to either move out or get to grips with the financial negotiations.

I don't think your situation is going to improve until you take the initiative and issue divorce proceedings.

Make it clear that if he doesn't leave, then you and the boys will. If he is a caring father, then hopefully he will be able to see that it would be best for the boys to stay in their home. If he is a total arse (sounds like one tbh), then he is unlikely to see sense and you should move out with the boys if you can.

I agree with Mumblechum- the penny hasn't dropped yet. Could you make it more real for him somehow? Maybe pack his things?!

And get on the phone to a solicitor for advice quick!

It is OP's business if her DH is using casual sex sites. They are still married and it is still adultery if there is physical sex involved. Grounds for divorce. I wouldn't threaten to leave if I were you - he might just take you up on the offer and you've then just put yourself out of a home.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
We jointly own our our house and I do earn enough to support myself and the DC. I just feel that they would be better off staying in the family home, which will lessen the disruption for them. I really didn't want to get all heavy handed and go straight to a lawyer, just thought H would see what was best for the DC. He cannot see past the fact that I have done this and it is all my fault splitting up the family 'just because I have such high expectations and he is a little bit lazy'. Honestly when you are dealing with someone so deluded it is hard to stay civil.nit is like he is trying to push and push me until I give in.
And for the record I am doing nothing for him, which again makes me feel petty but he can truly sod off! I've been a flipping slave to him for years!! and no I will not be sleeping with him again, wholly unsatisfactory!! I moved into the spare room in september.
Thanks again.
J

Sounds like the less direct approach hasn't worked, I'd file and get things started. The longer this goes on the worse or the DCs.