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Original poster

partner with young children

19 replies

maddy68 · 23/01/2012 22:14

I need to know if I'm being a bit of bitch here or not. My own children are 18 and 21 so I feel as if I have my life back a bit and want to do things like go on nice holidays etc
My partner however has 2 children 9 and 11.(really lovely kids TBF)
My dilemma is this - I am a teacher and obviously off all the school holidays, (the same as my partners children).
My partner is going snowboarding with his mates next month (not in school holidays) and I really don't have a problem with that, however I mentioned that i really wanted some sun in the summer this year and was shot down in flames - we couldnt possibly go abroad without the children in the school holidays!
while I understand totally that he wants to go on holiday with his children I really would like 7 days just the 2 of us. it seems OK for him to have a child free holiday snowboarding but not me - he was quite shocked that I would think about not taking his kids during school holidays
I am new to this step parenting lark and I dont want the kids to think I dont want to be them - I actually really like them - I just want to have my partner to myself for a short time - am I being a selfish moo?

OP posts:
Gumby · 23/01/2012 22:16

Sounds like you should go for girls sun holiday!

Original poster
maddy68 · 23/01/2012 22:18

well to be honest I have thought about that but I havent got anyone to go with :(

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/01/2012 22:28

How much are his children with him during the summer holidays?

Pandygirl · 23/01/2012 22:37

No you are absolutely right to want some time alone with your DP, it's very important.

DP and I had a long weekend away together at the beginning of Jan for the first time in 2 years, and we really needed the break. (He also has two kids, 12 & 10 who we have every weekend and 1 night in the week, the kids are lovely).

Could you arrange a holiday with DP in summer when the kids are on holiday with their mum? (Assuming that they will be having a holiday with mum). We have planned our honeymoon at the same time as the kids are away so that they don't get chance to miss DP.

Birdsgottafly · 23/01/2012 22:39

I have been with my partner for 5 years (we don't live together), my DD's are 14 and 16, we have holidays with and without them, they stay with my mum.

You need to be discussing your expectations for the future. I have an issue about being stuck having to spend every Christmas and New Year with his family, you need to talk these things through.

Dee03 · 23/01/2012 22:41

Just because he has kids doesn't mean you dont need time together as a couple. Even if they were both your children you still need time together as a couple.....
Does he have them all the summer hols then?

clam · 23/01/2012 22:47

So what did he say when you pointed out that he was getting a child-free holiday, yet you can't?

Purpleroses · 23/01/2012 22:47

I think asking for a week a year for just the two of you, no DCs is not unreasonable. If he thinks he can only spare enough leave for one week without the DCs, then he ought to choose whether to do something with you or his mates. I'd be a bit miffed with my DP if he said he wanted a week with his mates and couldn't spare any time together.

How long have you been together?

Unless your DP has unlimited annual leave, then a week taken in term time = one less week that he can spend with the DCS during their holidays doesn't it? So it doesn't really make much difference which week you go away together. Can he work out how much leave he has over the year and give you some indication how he wants to split it all? Would understand if wants to wait until he knows which weeks he can have his DCs before booking something with you to fit in with when they're off with their mum.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 23/01/2012 22:54

How long have you been together?
Perhaps not very long, if the issue hasn't come up before.
So perhaps he just hasn't given it any thought, if he's not used to factoring you into his plans.

Original poster
maddy68 · 23/01/2012 23:24

Thanks everyone - we have only been together a few months and no it hasnt come up before. He does have limited holidays and I understand he wants to spend time with his kids, he has pretty much joint custody so has his kids a lot and he is an amazing dad (one thing that attracted me to him TBH)
He is generally REALLY considerate of my needs but where the kids are concerned there is no negotiation

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 24/01/2012 02:11

Would he be open to going somewhere at Easter/half summer term? It's the same logistically but he may not have that reaction to it as it's not officially 'the summer holidays'. Sounds like he might feel a bit guilty about not taking them away in the official summer.

Truckulentagain · 24/01/2012 07:29

If I was someone for a few months and they were trying to get me to either stop having a holiday with my friends or stop having a holiday with my children I'd be seriously reviewing that relationship.

Original poster
maddy68 · 24/01/2012 09:25

I am seriously Not trying to stop him having a holiday with his friends or his children, I am happy for him to do that I just want to have 7 child free days with him!

OP posts:
catsmother · 24/01/2012 09:44

I don't think it's wrong or unnatural to want to spend 7 days away with your partner, especially early on in the relationship when you're still in the honeymoon phase. Unfortunately though, it does seem as if you're 3rd on his list of priorities. Understandably, as all parents know, school holidays far outweigh annual leave but despite this he seems happy enough to take a week out with his mates - and not for the kids. It's wrong of him to bite your head off for suggesting a summer break yet not see the irony in this. On the other hand, if you've only been together a few months, it could be that he "allows" himself a week of child free leave each year and that the mates trip had already been agreed before he met you ? As others have said, I think you need to establish exactly what his objections are ..... is it what I've suggested just now, or is it that he'd feel guilty going away without kids, or is a 3rd holiday (without kids) simply unaffordable ?

Only then when you know exactly where he's coming from can you decide what to do next. In a long established relationship - say, this time next year - I wouldn't be happy at all if the mates holiday took priority over a couples holiday again for example.

glasscompletelybroken · 24/01/2012 10:32

maddy I am in a similar situation in that I have 4 grown-up kids with my exH and my DH has 2 dd's aged 11 & 8 who live with us half the time. We have been together over 5 years and have never had more than 5 days away on our own (not even on our honeymoon).

I completely understand you feeling like you were getting your life back and are now right back into younger children again and all that goes with it. You will probably get some replies saying you knew what you were getting into blah blah blah...
We don't choose who we fall for and no-ones situation is ideal. You have to work with what you've got and it's all about compromise and negotiation on BOTH sides. Just because he has kids it doesn't give him a licence to make absolutely no investment in a new relationship.

Maybe it's the length of time you're asking for that is a stumbling block? last year we were very short of funds and had 5 days away with the kids and just a weekend away on our own. It's not ideal but it's all we could do. This year I am hoping for 3 or 4 days on our own.

maybe you could compromise and have a week just on your own in the sun and then 4 or 5 days with your DP. Would you have had a holiday on your own if you hadn't got together with him? Just do what you would have done before you met him and then see if you can have a short break with him.

WaitingForMe · 24/01/2012 10:49

You're not being a bitch in the slightest. I don't think this is even a step-parenting issue for me. I have two stepsons (6 and 3) and we're TTC. To date we've had quite a few holidays and trips without the boys and we intend to continue this. Any child we have together will stay with my mother while we go away.

My parents left my brother and I regularly with my Grandparents and had one of the happiest and healthiest relationships I've seen.

kaluki · 24/01/2012 11:11

I don't think you are selfish - but as a step parent myself I think you do need to realise that there will be always be a LOT of compromising to do with this relationship .
It is nice to have a man who is a good dad and puts his dc first, but that also means that you have to put up with coming second a lot of the time (not all the time though - and you should never come third behind his mates).
Maybe you should let it go this year or go away without him, but next year insist that you and he go away for a week on your own.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 24/01/2012 11:14

I am sure their mum also wants to spend some time with them over the holidays.
Can you and him go somewhere while they holiday with their mum?

I am sure he has more than two weeks. One week somewhere with you, and one week elsewhere with his kids?

His kids may not want to holiday with you! Have you suggested this to him?

Original poster
maddy68 · 28/01/2012 21:46

whoo hoo thanks everyone - he said today that he must have seemed dismissive and he has asked their mum when they are on holiday and we are off :):) booking it tomorrow :)

OP posts:
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