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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Started to lose my patience now

18 replies

ReallyCrossNow · 23/01/2012 18:24

Right, apologies in advance if I rant, but just had YET another argument with DH about this, and am (as name change suggests) really getting fed up.

There has been an ongoing issue over the last couple of months about DH's friendships and social life, or more to the point, the lack thereof. He says he is really busy with work and doesn't have time to organise anything with people.

I, on the other hand, am very proactive with my friendships and probably go out once every couple of weeks, normally alternating between going out during the day when DS is at nursery (so doesn't impact DH), and going out of an evening. The evening events only ever happen with DH's prior knowledge and willingness to stay in with DS (4).

Increasingly, DH has been telling me that he resents how much I see my friends, and that he's jealous that I get to do all this "fun stuff" whilst his life is "dull" (gee, thanks, that says so much about our evenings together) and he has "nothing to look forward to".

I have tried COUNTLESS times to get him to call/text his friends and arrange to see them whenever he wants (I am more than happy to stay in with DS to enable this), but he just comes back with excuses that X is probably doing something else, and Y's wife probably won't let him out, and Z is probably going to be difficult to pin down because of his work commitments.

Tonight, he has pretty much told me that he doesn't want me going to another event in March as "it's yet another thing for you to look forward to whilst I have nothing"!!! I lost my rag with him and told him that I'm not going to be his social secretary, and that if he wants to see people, he actually has to contact them not just guess what they might say if he does Confused

His answer to that is that I have no idea the stress he's under and how much work he has to do and he doesn't have all day to organise things. Meanwhile, when he gets home (which, admittedly, is often late due to work), he sits on his arse in the lounge watching TV for 2 hours.

My argument is that it takes a minute, if that, to text someone, and that if he has enough time to watch TV, he has enough time to organise to go out with some friends. His argument is that the evenings are his "relaxation time" and that he should be able just to chill out.

AIBU to think that he can't have it both ways, and that he can't bitch and moan about not seeing people, take it out on me, but still not make any effort??

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 23/01/2012 18:28

YANBU, I know lots of men who work hard like that & yes probably ask their wife/DP to be social sec but FFS sake to not even appreciate it when you DO make the effort? Hmm

Do you ever get a babysitter & go out TOGETHER?

ReallyCrossNow · 23/01/2012 18:34

bossy we've only recently moved, so are in the process of organising a babysitter, probably someone from DS's nursery. But, no, at the moment, we haven't been out for dinner together for ages. He has a day off of Friday so we're doing something whilst DS is at nursery.

(I should clarifiy that we've moved back to where all DH's friends are, not away from them!! I'm not asking him to see people hundreds of miles away from him or anything! Grin )

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 23/01/2012 18:38

His problem, not yours.

Carry on and ignore would be my advice.

OriginalJamie · 23/01/2012 18:46

He sounds like he could be depresses. I get like this when I'm depressed. But it is a vicious circle, and he has part of the answer in his hands, which is to do nice things with people he likes. Very frustrating for you, I can see. Talk to him about how he's feeling, and try and get time together.

OriginalJamie · 23/01/2012 18:46

depressed

ReallyCrossNow · 23/01/2012 18:48

katie difficult to ignore when it's constantly being rubbed in my face, and when he's now actually starting to ask me to STOP doing stuff!!

I think when he gets home tonight, I will have this to say to him: "We are NOT talking about your lack of social life any more. I have offered up suggestions on how to improve it - whether you choose to listen or not is up to you, but I'M not listening any more. Also, I will continue to see my friends and enjoy my life, and you will not try to make me feel guilty."

Have a feeling that won't go down well!!

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 23/01/2012 18:48

Are you a SAHM? It can seem to people who are working that life is non-stop freedom. It isn't, of course, but it is less pressurised than work you aren't enjoying.

OriginalJamie · 23/01/2012 18:50

I'm not suggesting you stop doing anything, BTW. Just talk to him.

ReallyCrossNow · 23/01/2012 18:54

original I was a SAHM, but I'm interviewing for jobs at the moment. So trying really hard to get back into the workplace, and he's been very supportive.

However, irrespective of what we both do during the day, there is nothing preventing him from going out at night, making plans for his evenings to do something besides sitting around. I feel fairly certain that if he just made some plans and saw some people every couple of weeks like I do, then he'd feel far happier. But I can't organise that for him, he needs to do it himself.

Part of me wonders if it's more important at the moment for him to be a martyr than it is to solve the problem...

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 23/01/2012 18:58

Maybe. It's a shame it's got competitive and he seems jealous. If he is depressed then he needs to face up to it. But avoidance, apathy, lack of energy, thinking the worst (eg his friends will be busy) are all classic. Can you tackle it from this perspective rather than getting angry with him? Hard, if he is throwing things at you, but maybe worth a try as you are stuck

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/01/2012 18:59

DH "Stop doing stuff"

You "No"

DH "I'm jealous"

You "That is my problem, how, exactly?"

ReallyCrossNow · 23/01/2012 19:20

katie I'd like to think he's not like this, but I would hate to push him as he's the person who currently enables me to see my friends.

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 23/01/2012 19:25

So he's unhappy because he has "nothing to look forward to" and he wants you to have nothing to look forward to either, so you can be as unhappy as he is?

Nice. What a lovely kind caring man he seems.

Tbh I'd be booking more nights out if I were you so you don't have to sit in with the miserable bastard.

TooEasilyTempted · 23/01/2012 19:26

How does he enable you to see your friends? By looking after his own child?

balia · 23/01/2012 19:30

So, if he wants something to look forward to, would it work to plan an evening out together? I'd be pissed off if DH was going out with other people and not with me at all.

CrystalsAreCool · 23/01/2012 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hairynigel · 23/01/2012 19:41

Yanbu! Don't let him stop you going out!

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 24/01/2012 00:42

The problem is not that he wants to go out but doesn't.
He doesn't want to.
What he wants is for you not to go out.
Is he controlling in other ways?

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