Am i Just being petty?

[saltire]

I spoke to my mother about this last night and she told me to forget about it as i was coming across as being petty, however it's something thats really bugging me. I'd really like to know what others would do.

I haven't lived in my home twon for almost 12 years now. I still have friends there though, a group of about 6. We always gae each other a birthday present, and at Christmas we did a secret santa. Then, about 7 years ago one friend(i'll call her x)called me and said they had decided to stop giving each other presents and were stopping doing the secret santa and she was just letting me know. I have since found out that they are still doing both, it's just me who's been told they are stopping it
Then as they have all had kids, i buy birthday and Christmas presents for their kids, only this year no presents arrived for Xmas for my 2 boys, or for Ds2s birthday. However when i was home in October, friend X was collecting £10 from each of the others to buy a present for one of the others kids!
The final straw came yesterday. One of the groups mother had her 60th birthday between Christmas and New Year. This woman has been like a second mother to me, i always go and visit her when i'm home and she knows things about me my own mother doesn't.I was told by her daughter (y) that she would be having a party for her and we were invited. I never heard anything and assumed the party hadn'r gone ahead. I've since found out that there was a big party with loads of people, and i wasn't invited.
I am really hurt, not just by this but all the other things i've mentioned. I was going to call my "pals" and discuss how i was feeling, until my mum told me it would seem as though i was petty
I would really appreciate a few comments as to what others would do. I also mentioned it to another friend, who doesn't mix with the group, and she said i should have it out with them and clear the air. I'm not very good though at thigns like this!
Sorry if this is long, and please do tell me if you think i'm being childish.

I dont think you are being childish or petty, they sound like a bunch of cows. Why suddenly start excluding someone? I dont understand!

do the other friends all still live in the same place? I'm just thinking that this may all stem NOT from malice, but perhaps because you are a bit 'out of the loop'. Quite often it's just so much easier to keep up with people you see every day.

You obviously make the effort to see them when you are home and feel the same about being part of the group of friends. But it sounds to me like they may be thinking of you more as someone who used to be part of the group but still keeps in touch. Do you see what I mean? Then not being invited to the party etc may seem less like a deliberate insult? Although, to be honest, you WERE invited - you say you never heard anything: but quite often people are just disorganised and if YOU had chased it, asking dates and times etc I'm sure they would have told you. I honestly think it's not personal but because you are the one away from the home town, you'll need to do a bit more chasing.

I think if you were to 'have it out with them' and say A) Why no presents for your kids and B) why no invite to party, you will just put them on the defensive.

Perhaps try sending a card or letter to the one you feel would be most helpful, and say something like "I feel I have been a bit out of the loop lately, even though I try to keep in touch as much as I can and visit when I'm home. Not seeing (name!) on her 60th birthday made me very sad and I realised I'd like to be part of things more again".

Hope some of these thoughts help.

This would upset me too honey. Maybe it's because you've moved away and they haven't that they feel you're not part of the 'gang' anymore. The same sort of thing happened to me and though it was upsetting I realised that we'd just grown apart without my noticing and that though we still talk we don't do the same things we used to.

It's funny you saying that anniemac, my dh said exactly the same thing. Some of the group have never really liked my dh - its too complicated to go into here, so he has always been quite crtical of them, Last night though he told me that even though they were all round about my age, they were very immature and childish, and were obviously jealous because , not only had i moved away, but i'd lived in four different places in the last 10 years (dh is military).

Bottom line is - do you want to stay friends with them or not?
If you do - then maybe you will have to put more effort into being included in things. eg phoning and checking if pressies are being exchanged. Phoning and pushing for dates of parties etc. I am very bad at keeping in touch with others whereas one of my friends ALWAYS calls me and ALWAYS pushes for dates for meet ups. I feel v. bad I'm not more like her!
But if you're not bothered then just let them drift away. Send a card to the mum saying you are upset to have missed her party (she may think you were invited and has taken the huff!). and offer to take her for lunch/drink next time you're home.

I email all of them at least once a month, if i'm lucky i get one reply. I text them a lot, or call, but whenever i call they always say "oh, we're just on our way out/to bed/havingtea" etc.

Anniemac, you're different to me in that i have made a lot of great friends during my time living in married quarters - admittedly i've met some nutters as well, but still keep in touch with other service wives i've met. Perhaps thats the problem, i have nothing in common with y old friends any more!
I do call them when i'm home and arrange to meet up, but it invariably ends up being me and the two single ones who meet up!

i would be drawing a line under it all and not contacting them again. it sounds like they are being real bitches and if i were you i would be v v upset. as someone said, go on to bigger and better things now.