Ultimatum

[meandmyfour]

I posted last week about whether or not to get back with my ex partner..he's applied a lot of pressure but also been lovely over the last few months and we'vel started therapy together..got four children etc etc
I think I know what you're all going to say but curious to hear anyway...
he has been renting a flat for the last 18 months but for the last few months has been making it v clear that he doesn't want to stay there, wants to move in with me or if not will go back to France (where he's from). I don't feel ready at all for him to move in but I also understand that he can't wait forever. He has now said that he's leaving his flat at the end of Feb and I need to give him a yes or no about being back together/him moving in or he'll leave London.
We're having very nice times together but I have huge fear about him living wth me again as things were so, so bad at the end when we split up. BUT, do I just need to give it a go to end this awful indecision or is it reasonable to say to him that I need another six months or so? I never, ever anticipated that breaking up would be so hard when there are children involved. I would love nothing more than us all to be a big happy family ...can't seem to get over my fears though.
Thanks

no dont - not when you still arent sure.

tell him you not ready.
you "started" therapy.

give it more time.

if he chooses to leave and go to france it is his choice.

Stick to your guns.

He is trying to push you into doing something you dont want to do and if there is one thing guaranteed to wreck your potential reconciliation it is being forced into living with him before you are ready.

If you say that you need another six months before you can consider him moving back in and he goes back to France then he was never fully committed to you working it out anyway. If he agrees to stay then that is a good sign that he is willing to keep trying.

But tell him now so he has chance to renew his lease or find a new place if he has given notice.

So it's his way or the highway? Was he like that before?

I find it a bit odd that you have four DCs (together I'm assuming) and he'd be willing to bugger off back to France anyway.... wouldn't that just leave you in the lurch, whether or not you are together, and deprive the DCs of much contact with their Dad...?

healing takes time, particularly if things went horrendously wrong before, how long have you been in therapy together? Do you feel he's understood and taken responsibility for his side of why the relationship fell apart?

Thank you all for your replies. i agree - leavng to go to France would be hard on the children but I think he feels that it's too painful to be here and not be with us all and that he needs to make the break. God, that sounds a bit pathetic when I write it... I would love him to find a new flat here, be around for us but just stop the pressure and give me the time I need...am I being selfish though? I honestly don't know if I will ever want him to move in and I am guilty of blowing and hot and cold but I've never said anything I don't mean, never promised anything..he just interprets us getting on well as proof that it's only a matter of time whereas for me it's so much more complicated than that. It's the usual story - when he's lovely, he's wonderful and when he's not it's bloody awful and having broken away once before I'm VERY wary of trying again...even though he really does seem like he's had a 'wake up call'. And, we've only had one session of therapy so a long way to go there....

I think you should be thinking of your dc first and foremost

not him

you are not 100% sure it won't go staright back to "awful"

he obvioulsy hasn't convinced you that he has changed sufficiently to make it a reasonable chance to take

it would be wrong to confuse your children, by taking a leap of faith that very possibly won't work out

and never trust any man who holds the threat of going very far away from his dc as proof of his love for you, and for them

it is a complete contradiction

Sounds pretty selfish and immature to say its all of you or none... Surely being a good dad right now should be his priority.

Tell him to come back after six months of therapy and see.... Has he done any self development in all this to prove he wants to change himself? Solo therapy, in depth reading?

he's being a prick, its 'I will go to France if you don't let me back home, It's just toooooo painfull for me'

Utter nonsense

When you say things were awful before, how do you mean? Was there abuse? He sounds a bit controlling to me, all this business about leaving the country if he doesn't get his own way is a red flag.

I just found your post of last week. No he hasn't changed, he's trying to control you. Don't go to couples counselling, it's completely inappropriate in an abusive relationship. If he'd rather leave the country than be around to parent his children then let him leave, that's his choice. I know he can be nice to be with but that's part of the cycle of abuse - abusers aren't manipulative and/or scary all the time. Read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven and/or 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft and do a google search to see if there's a Freedom Programme running in your area. You need to get some understanding of the dynamics of abuse so that you can see when you are being manipulated and controlled.

If the break up was so difficult and painful, imagine if you had to go through it all again if it didn't work out.

Imagine how hard it would be for the children if he came back and then had to leave again.

You are still picking up the pieces of your life, don't let him shatter them again.

Why would he leave his children? Why? How is it less painful to live in a different country to them? That doesn't make sense, it's just controlling behaviour.

It doesn't look like he has really changed, he's just pretending.