A conversation about early relationship dynamics.

[makeyerowndamndinner]

Have noticed the relationship board carrying lots of threads about fledgling relationships lately. Lots of women unsure as to how they should act, whether they should initiate contact e.t.c. e.t.c.

Most relationship advice seems to be that women should just sit back and let men do the running. That men like 'the chase' and that if they don't pursue you hotly from the get-go then they're 'just not that into you'. That seems terrifically outdated to me and not particularly honest either (faking nonchalance has never been a core skill of mine) yet from experience I know that if I have ever made the running things have never ended well.

It just makes me feel a bit to see so many women (including myself at times) agonising over these issues. I'd be willing to bet my last penny that there aren't relationship boards full of men asking each other whether they should text a woman or not!

So what do people think? It's 2012. Should women still take a back seat, remain aloof, and wait for the man to contact them? Is it better to wait until you've got to know someone before having sex if you're looking for a serious relationship? And why do women seem to care so much more about this stuff than men do?

Will watch this with interest

I've never really followed that advice as it seems like game playing to me. If I've wanted to contact someone I generally have (unless I know I'd be contacting them for the wrong reasons eg because I've sensed they have cooled off and want to remind them I exist or try to initiate something-in those cases I try to resist)

But then I am single. And while I can find plenty of men who want to shag me I can't seem to find any that want a relationship with me. So I've also been wondering if there is something in it. He's just not that into you was written by a bloke wasn't it? Maybe he knows what he's talking about!

The chase is important to men. They take longer to know whether they are particularly interested in a particular woman than women do to know the same about a particular man. You need to give them time to work it out.

I'm not sure about the woman remaining aloof exactly, but in my (vast) experience if a relationship or dating IS going somewhere, then the bloke does tend to make it very clear he is interested, and make some effort.

If he isn't interested in a relationship or if he just wants sex, then contact is very minimal.

Actually I know loads of men who agonise about how to get in contact in the early stages or deconstruct every sign ad nauseam so I don't think it's quite as gender-specific as all that.

My experience is that too much keenness on either side is a mistake in the early stages as it tends to freak the other person out. Both parties need to allow the other person a bit of space so they can decide whether they're really interested rather than feeling pressured into it.

That makes sense I guess lubey. But there's still that little voice saying maybe he doesn't know I'm interested and is waiting to hear from me

Will watch with interest after recently leaving a 20 year relationship!

I agree with freakoid sitting back and waiting for the guy to make contact first, actually handing and encouraging initial control of the relationship to him, not for me, start as you mean to go on, that's what I say!

Freakoid, take a look at the Internet Dating thread, we conducted a very interesting experiment where we changed our profiles from dating/'relationship' to 'Intimate Encounter' but stated that we weren't looking for casual sex or one night stands but a long term thing with one special person, just no threat possibility of marriage at the end of it. We were all inundated with messages. It seems a lot of men are looking for the same, they want a long term 'thing' but don't want a wedding so, a relationship by another name. Twas a fun and rather enlightening experiment!

But why Bonsoir? Why do men take longer to work out whether they're interested? I just don't get all this 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' stuff. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Surely.

I can understand that perhaps women have been heavily socially conditioned to believe they need men much more than men need us - after all it wasn't so long ago that single mothers were cast out by their families and communities and women depended on men to feed them and put a roof over their heads. Perhaps emotionally we have not quite caught up with the rapid steps forward that have been made in terms of our equality?

I don't know.

Freakoid :o

Personally back when I was dating, I would make absolutely sure they knew I was interested (that is if I was, and without going OTT and clinging onto their ankle or something) so I would say a nice thank you for the date and say I enjoyed it (if i did) and that it would be great to do it again and/or maybe have a snog if things seemed to go that way. This 'thank you' might be in person or over the course of a couple of texts apres date.

Then I would leave it.

So they would definitely know I was at least interested in another date, and if no effort was then made by them to keep in contact or arrange another date then I would move on. Leaving the ball in their court so to speak - just making sure they knew I had a good time.

During the course of me deciding that's what I was going to do, I had a few short relationships and one long one - so I would deduce from that, that the interested ones chased me a bit. And they did - they made it easy. No hanging around guessing and agonising.

Well my recent experience was - talking to a guy who I genuinely did like, quite a lot. I think he sensed this and went cold on me. In return, I gave it up as a bad job and put him out of my head. Since I did - the guy has suddenly warmed up again and keeps texting me. The odd occasion where I do start to fall for him again, he picks up on it and goes cold again. When I remain aloof - he stays warm. I think men do like the chase.

form my experience if the guy is interested he is happy and will contact you a lot and regularly. if he is not he will contact you less you can initiate as much as you want but if the male isnt on the same wave length as you then its pretty moot.
i would tend to suggest going with the flow.

Mucky - they also fear intimacy. That push me pull you dynamic is your red flag. xxx

Time :o I don't see it as handing over control, if one person isn't interested then they have the ultimate control anyway of ignoring, rejecting, etc that interested one.

To me it's just avoiding sitting around waiting for contact that isn't going to come, and avoiding feeling like a knob when you send texts or call someone and get ignored or messed about.

I've always been pretty laid back. Some guys called, some didn't. I never worried too much over those that didn't and saved my energy for those that did.

It wasn't a ploy so much as who I am but during my single days I seemed to date a lot more and enjoy it a lot more than many of my single friends. For me it boils down to the fact I'm unable to be properly interested in a guy that's not that into me.

Maintaining at least some of my sanity might be another way to put it!

I agree lubey, I wouldn't sit back and wait because I would want to know if we were on or not. If he didn't reply then I would have my answer... NEXT! It's the game playing I can't stand, and The Rules, there are no rules, I hate rules, can you tell?

Yes, some men want to chase. They are only interested if they can chase. If you show any interest, they will lose theirs. The trouble is - you can't pretend not to be interested for your whole life, can you? But as soon as you show that you care, he will go cold again.

When I started dating my now DH, it was effortless and smooth. No game playing. So I agree with some others - if he is really interested in you, he will contact you regularly and make an effort to see you. If he only wants you if you don't want him - next!

This dating lark, it requires too much thinking for my liking.

I'm taking early retirement!

But I don't think I have ever met any men who were consistent.

I have never been 'chased' by any man I was actually interested in. Never. Not once in my whole entire life. And I would consider myself to be a very attractive woman (can I say that without sounding like a total knob?) intelligent and interesting and fun. I've plenty going for me.

All my most serious long term relationships have been with men who wanted me far more than I wanted them because the ones I wanted were never interested.

It is almost as though I've been conditioned to believe that I am going to have to make all the effort if anything is ever going to happen. If I wait for decent men to chase me I'll heal over and die and be eaten by my hundreds of cats