"I'm Hurt That You Would Think That Of Me"

[coffeespoons]

Also "You know I am not like that" and "I was only trying to help". As reactions to explaining to DM that I was feeling a little under pressure about my wedding and was going to take some time to think about her suggestions instead of immediately organising things exactly how she wanted.

Who else has a person in their life who does it? I feel massively, massively guilty now all because I have disagreed with her. Like I've broken her heart or something. Piles of self-hatred. How does one cope?

(no poster history, just name-changed out of paranoia).

stop over analysing?

she tried to help, you preferred to think it over

end of. nothing more to think about it

She sounds rather passive aggressive

Is she always like that ?

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have not caused her to be sad. You have responded to her in an entirely reasonable, considerate and polite way.

You listened to her ideas about your wedding. You didn't refuse to talk to her about it, you didn't tell her that her ideas were crap, you didn't tell her to get stuffed.

She has chosen to sulk and strop be sad that you aren't letting her have everything her own way. She could have chosen to be proud of you and pleased that she's raised a daughter like you. She could have chosen to be excited by your ideas for your wedding.

You don't need to hate yourself because she chooses to behave like this. I think you're doing very well not to be hating her, actually.

Let her get over it. Don't apologise - you haven't done anything wrong. Enjoy your wedding planning!

And next time she wants to tell you her plans for your wedding, could you say "Mum, I'd love to hear them, but only if you can promise me not to go off in a huff if I don't use your ideas. Can you do that?"

There's a bit missing here. Did you say she was being over the top? Or imply it?

"I'll have a think about your ideas"
"I'm hurt you wiould think that of me"

Is a complete non-sequitur

Yeah, the passive-aggressive thing is her main line of defence/(attack?). Bertha thank you :) I think she'd just hear that as more criticism and immediately be 'hurt' again. It always seems to be the way that she is allowed to be hurt by things I say, but if I say I'm hurt then she is hurt by me saying so, therefore she always wins the 'most hurt' argument. Somehow.

I know it is from excitement that I am getting married and I am trying not to resent it. But she seems to have no idea at all that she is trying to control me. She genuinely believes that she is just supporting me and trying to help.

Btw, my mother has never quite managed to understand that I am a separate person to her. She wants me to think the same as her, like what she likes, do what she does. If I don't she becomes massively critical, sneery and horrible. I think, emotionally, she is about 7.

As a child I learnt that the only way to find approval was to agree with her, to pretend I liked what she liked. We had some good days out together - but only if she chose the destination and I did everything her way all day. I remember standing on a pier, playing penny slot machine games and thinking that it was boring but that I wouldn't say anything because it was keeping mum happy. I was about 11.

As an adult I've found it really hard to know what I do think about things - I wasn't brought up to have my own opinions.

I don't know if your mum is like this or if she is normally lovely and just being a bit Mother-of-the-Bride-Zilla. I guess I'm writing it because it took me a long time to realise that my mother wasn't normal and that other people didn't grow up like I did. It helped me a lot to read other people's experiences on MN.

Robot yeah, I've been a bit vague, I know. I told her that I wanted more time to think about my dress because the option she likes is a little OTT for my tastes and that I am looking at some different, more relaxed options. She slagged off all the different options as vile and said only that one would do, anything else would be awful, she will pay for it if necessary, I have no taste, am completely wrong, will look awful if I wear what I want to, etc.

I said we preferred to pay for everything ourselves (I have told her about three times now that I can afford the more expensive option if I want it) because then we could have full say over what we picked and not feel pressured to follow someone else's tastes and that it was my decision what to wear. She took this as me accusing her of dictating to me and was 'very hurt that I would think that of her'. While she isn't saying You Must Do This in a dictating way, she is doing it all a bit more indirectly. But I didn't use that word - I felt I'd been politely assertive.

Btw, my mother has never quite managed to understand that I am a separate person to her. She wants me to think the same as her, like what she likes, do what she does

That sounds familiar. She just assumes I do think the same (and that all right-thinking people in fact). The arguments she uses to persuade me of something often assume that I have her values about something when in fact I have just told her that I am coming at it from a completely different angle.

I do think weddings make this kind of relationship under a lot more strain, but I would love to change my reaction to her. The self-hatred is a dangerous place for me.

Ah. Well, weddings do bring out the worst in some people! If you can bear it, I'd let her have a couple of small "wins". Above all, you want to be speaking on the day!

The reason she is hurt that you think she is dictating to you, is because she is dictating and she knows it.

It sounds like you're doing really well, tbh. I think the main way to change your reaction is to get more practice at standing up to her. And find some other people (RL, or on here) who can listen to how your last encounter with her went and show you by their reaction that you were behaving well and she was not.

Honestly, loving mums do not look at the wedding dress their daughter is thinking of and say "that's vile you have no taste you will look awful in that". They swallow their opinion and say "how lovely dear, you know you'd look beautiful in anything". Unless you've chosen a lime-green meringue-dress made of polystyrene and clingfilm, I suppose, then she may have a point ...

You could try "that was rude! Did you mean to be rude?". Although she won't accept that she was rude, because you're her daughter and she can say what she likes to you - you don't have feelings, or not any that count. But you may as well plant the idea that it is possible to be rude to one's child.

Also the "water off a ducks back" method. When she goes off on one and starts being all injured and hurt that you aren't her clone, smile brightly and comment on the weather. Or, if possible, announce that you have Things to Do, and leave swiftly. Its what you do with toddlers in a strop, after all - remove your attention.

And see less of her, of course ...

thank you - I have been working on my assertiveness (fiance and I both have a parent a bit like this and it helps to see it from the outside. We have both also had CBT which made a difference). I feel awful whenever it happens but your replies here and ringing up fiance for a moan have made me feel better.

I can't imagine having a mum who would swallow her opinion! I have no idea why she thinks the dress is vile - it's plain and simple and like many others that she actually approves of.

Robot ironically me sharing possible dresses with her at all (and going to try on dresses with her) was my attempt at a concession, because she wants to be involved. When I do let her win, she just assumes it's because I agree with her, even when I explain differently.

Dont justify the dress.

She is hurt. That is her right. She is hurt because deep down she knows she was being controlling, and she was trying to deflect. Let her feel a bit of hurt, and learn from it- she is the mother!

You were right to say what you said. Follow it up next time with, Im sorry you are hurt, but I want to/need to ... (ie restate what you WANT).

You are caught up in justifying yourself in order to make it possible to make your own decisions and control your own life. You dont need to do that. Best work on your own desire to please, and the inevitable resentment which follows when you start to please less as you get older, than to over worry about what her issues are. Let her deal with them!

I am sure you are organising your wedding and your life just fine. You make a few cock ups, maybe big ones, we all do, then you can forgive yourself (we all need to) and move on!

Ps I have 24 and 32 year old adult kids, as well as young ones. I love how they teach us about our crap behaviours as they get older x

Do choose whatever dress you want though. You don't want to be looking at the pictures for the rest of your life and wondering why you chose it

You are the only one who's opinion matters on your wedding dress.
Doesn't matter if she doesn't like it. I watch all of the bridal shows each week, and your mother is one of many who seem to try and force their opinion and taste down the brides throat.
The bridal consultants say it is their job to make sure the BRIDE is happy, and encourage the bride to choose the dress that THEY love.
Your mom will get over it, trust me.