New man after divorce, post-baby body issues :-(

[gettingbackonthehorse]

This can't be an uncommon problem. Was married 15 years, been divorced a year.

I met a new man on a dating site; was in touch with him for 5 months, a bit on-off but we exchanged literally thousands of texts, have spoken on the phone more and more recently. We exchanged photos, including some dodgy ones IYKWIM ;-) Also some 'sexting' which got more and more exciting and intense.

We were friends already and fancied each other in the virtual world, but obviously it was all fantasy and impossible to know if it was real until we met. He's very sexually confident and I knew he was highly sexed before I met him.

Anyway, we finally met and it was absolutely electric. He is incredibly attractive, much more so than his photos and the sexual tension was unbelievable. We also got on really, really well. At the end of the evening he kissed me and it was incredible.

He's very, very keen and has been persistently texting me since we met, is obviously really sold on me and made it clear he wants to take things further (though he's said he'll be patient).

I'm really keen to sleep with him but totally terrified. My sex life with DH was awful and non-existent for years, but I haven't slept with anyone but him for 17 years (since I was 22).

I've got some major body issues since I had my 2 dcs (more than just stretch marks) and I feel v self conscious. I don't want to be inhibited but I feel too embarrassed to talk to him about them, though he's lovely.

I'm not seeking general advice of the 'don't worry if he really likes you...' kind. I'd like to hear from anyone who's been in this position and how it went. Thanks

I was in the same position less than a year ago and it was fine, much better than fine. Not going to put all the details here, but you really do need to speak to him and tell him about your worries and fears. I did and he reassured me, but at the back of my mind was "You say that now, but ..." and it was absolutely OK. In fact, no-one has ever made me feel as fancied and beautiful and desirable as he did, despite everything I think is so terribly wrong with my body. I had to end that relationship, but it was an incredible thing for me to realise and experience. Good luck! :)

If the chemistry is as intense as you say it is he'll be so grateful that he's finally getting into your pants all he'll be thinking about is what a goddess you are!

Don't worry about it. I was in much the same position, only I was 45 and had 3 DC! It wasn't a problem at all, all in my head, and nasty comments from prev (wanker)P.
Unless your man is 15 years younger, and all smooth and crisp, he will show some signs of aging, too

i have just entered into my first sexual relationship since becoming a sinlge parent, and i felt / feel exactly the same. the first time felt a bit awkward (i find its often pretty fumbly first time with someone!) second time MUCH better, and yeah, its good :)
i do feel ashamed of my post baby body, im still not happy with my bra off, and i have asked new partner numerous times if i feel different inside (apparently i dont) and i cringe at my saggy belly. But then i realised that after a shite relationship with no sex, i deserve to have good sex, so im trying to focus on my pleasure and enjoyment in bed, and im getting there..
just remember you are your own worst critic, what you see will be totally different from what he see's.
i know its hard but try and make yourself have fun and enjoy it, you deserve to :)

I took a different tack and did not discuss my worries with the man in question when I first had sex after divorce (body issues here too). This worked for me - everything worked out really well.

In fact I vowed never to discuss my body issues with a partner again and it has worked a treat. I have done my own work on any self esteem and body issues.

I suppose my reasoning behind taking that approach is that when I did talk o my exhusband about things like that he used it as an opportunity to undermine me generally..

To be honest if a prospective partner sat me down (early on in the relationship and before we had sex) it would put me off. Further down the line wouldn't be 'ta problem but again wouldn't really want to dwell on it. When you are in the throes of passion I don't think you are usually thinking about parts of your partners body - surely you are on a higher plane than that - ie you've lost yourself in the moment? Or maybe that's just me - I don't think I explained that very well

a problem I meant

I can understand how you feel. I'm in a similar position and trying to work out what is the best way to approach things. Hoping that if I bump your thread there'll be some more responses. Good luck

I'm with sincitylover on this one. DO NOT mention your insecurities in this area. Act as if you were confident and you will be. If you are really concious of your boobs/tummy/whatever then wear some nice underwear while you are having sex - just pull the knickers aside. Guaranteed to be HOT and you will feel fantastic. Promise.

im at not quite the same stage as you but getting into dating again after breaking up, and yes it will be weird to sleep with someone else after a long term marriage, i have the omg im such a skinny with no boobs phobia that i wonder if a future person will think what a bag of bones when they see me naked, i look ok in clothes and am 55 so no spring chicken, im sure you will be fine some subtle lighting in the bedroom (as in bedside lamp) and if hes more sexually confident than you let him lead the action

Thanks everyone. I know we all have body issues but I can't help feeling mine are worse. I don't like my fanjo and feel self conscious about it (big big lips). Plus I had v bad piles when pregnant and have been left with a crinkly bum that kind of sticks out!! I hate it and I went to see a colorectal surgeon a while back in the hope of getting it sorted out but he said nothing could be done without making matters worse. If I had big skin tags they could be taken off but it's not like that, it's just ugly and horrible. He said it's 'within the spectrum of normal' for someone who's had a baby but it sure as hell isn't like it was before. Sorry way tmi I know. New man says he is very visual. He seems v uninhibited and also likes bumsex a lot. I know there are people on MN who are generally negative about this aspect of sex but we are all different so please don't judge and knock my confidence by giving me a hard time about this. I had a bf
years ago who loved it and with him I really enjoyed it too.

Wasn't an issue with dh because sex was rubbish and totally vanilla. Anyway, my body was mostly fucked up having his babies so it's kind of less of an issue. Really want some good sex now and to let go but not sure if I can :-(

When I first started meeting men online I didn't think I would find a guy like this. The flirting and sexting started off as a game, I never thought that we'd meet really and it's only really got scary since I met him. I really want to sleep with him now, but worry I've upped the ante too much with the sexting and when he sees my body he'll be horrified.

I think a lot of us are like this because of what porn has done. Really really not inviting anyone to make this a feminist thread thanks but women in porn films all have great bodies, look like they love being fucked up the arse and have little, shaven neat slits. Makes you feel anxious about being a normal woman with flaws and terrified at the prospect of being compared.

Rest of my body is fine and looks good in clothes which kind of makes me feel worse, because the important hidden bits aren't :-(

Hmm, yes I was pretty paranoid about sex after splitting up from my stbxh. I have had four dc in six years. In the last six months I have lost the baby weight and back down to 8 stone. Great, but unfortunately the pregnancies and weight loss have taken their tole on my boobs. I definitely have a bit of a hang up about them in particular. I recently went for a bra fitting to find I have lost an inch to the back and a cup and half size to my bust. The lady could only find two bras in the shop that would fit decently because they have lost the fullness on the top. Highly depressing! I have some stretch marks but they arent really all that noticable.

Anyways. To the point. When it came down to having sex after the STBXH I just accepted that my body is the way it is and there is sod all I can do about it. Getting down and losing self esteem over it, wasnt going to change it.

Another way to look at it, suppose you do get to the bedroom and discover he has some less sightly bits. Would it bother you? I expect it probably wouldnt as you like him that much anyways. Which is very likely exactly how he feels with you.

I also agree with the nice underwear part. Treat yourself to something that you feel amazing in! Does wonders for confidence. :)

well, he's not sleeping with porn actresses! If he's highly sexed he slept with many normal women with flaws, and he will prefer action to watching perfect bodies, wouldn't he?

also him being visual may mean he needs to look at your naked figure as a whole, unless he's particularly obsessed with looking at private parts per se (in which case his sex drive is impersonal/porn-addicted, and you would be better off without).

Totally agree with the PPs who recommend not mentioning your fears.

Don't apologise or explain! He fancies you!

IMO, the most attractive thing from a man's pov is self-confidence

to be fair though, all men are different - some people generally would refuse oral sex if private parts are not healthy-looking (heard an example from a friend , and the guy really fancied her/had great sex otherwise). Not likely to be put off for non-oral though.

Do you mean the guy refused, or she was too self conscious? That's alarming if it was him. Don't feel I'm unhealthy-looking, just not the prettiest. Thanks to the person who pointed out that he's slept with real women (quite a few I think, though not since he was married/divorced). Sounds ridiculous but I hadn't even thought of that.

Isn't it horrible what having babies does to us? Was sexually confident when I was younger and things weren't that much different (at the front anyway). I have a lot less pubic hair now and it makes me feel a bit exposed, but there is such a culture of removing it and I do feel better in myself without a great big bush.

I don't know if anybody saw the episode of Embarrassing Bodies where there's a woman aged 45 who goes to see that ridiculous Dr 'Pixie' because she doesn't like her labia. Her genitals are normal but she thinks they are too big. The bit of the programme is actually called 'enlarged labia' rather than large labia as if they have somehow got unnaturally enlarged. The doctor actually tells her they are not normal, and that she can't get anything done on the NHS. So she says she is going to suggest a different approach. I honestly thought she was going to suggest going to see a psychologist but instead she refers her to a (female) cosmetic surgeon who does a labiaplasty and they talk in positive terms about how the popularity of the operation is increasing.

It's horrifying. They even show a picture of the bloody labia after they have been removed and say how glad the patient will be 'that she's not going home with these'. I've got a friend who's a GP and she said that since the programme she's been inundated with teenage girls (some as young as 13) with perfectly normal genitals asking for labiaplasty on the NHS. It's so irresponsible and a shame because I think that programme has done a lot to take the taboo away from some medical conditions. This woman didn't even have a medical problem, she had some kind of body dysmorphia and the solution was seen as unnecessary surgery. The clip is on the Channel 4 site. It's unbelievable.

I have a daughter and I really worry about what things will be like in the future because real women's bodies seem to be seen as something shameful and disgusting if they don't conform to certain 'standards'. Solution is seen as surgery to make us conform. I really despise myself for being affected by this, but I guess it's so long since I was in the dating game that I feel the rules have changed a bit and that now men think this way too. It's horrible having lost confidence so much.

I feel for anyone else who has these problems. It's so hard to be back in the market after divorce and babies isn't it? :-(

Could maybe try hiding stretch marks with foundation? He should probably accept you for who you are though. Any man worth his salt would.

Everyone has hang-ups about their body hun, make him feel amazing and you'll soon forget yourself.

If you need any tips I'm the gal to ask.

getting - it was me pointing out that he doesn't sleep with 20yr old porn actresses. I wouldn't worry too much, just don't build up too high expectations of his behaviour. As far as my friend's example, the guy refused - it wasn't a full blown relationship, more like a fling (didn't last long), so it depends also how emotionally involved a guy gets. As that was a fling, she didn't question it, she says he was goign to do it but changed his mind when came closer and made a comment on the lines 'terrible!' but in jocular way(she says it may be that she had slight irritation down there but it was due to sex with him, had lubrication problems). Maybe he thought she had an infection. Anyway he's not the only example of male behaviour, just saying if yours is like that, don't take it too personally, he's not the only one. And you can find someone else who isn't a fusspot. I do advise soft lighting - the friend and this bloke had sex in the daylight.

I'm no where near having sex with someone else yet. But divorcing-had crap sex / no sex with stbxh for last 13 years

Have thought the same as you; have dangly labia issues! Also, have had an episiotomy and it really ISN'T as it was before, down there!

Will be absolutely petrified if I ever have sex again (which I hope I will, one day!)

I sooooo know how you feel. I posted this
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1321479-Yup-its-friday-so-a-sex-question
And it was OK. More than OK. It didn't last but that wasn't due to my flabby bits.
Funny thing is, that men aren't nearly as critical of womens bodies as we are ourselves.
Good luck!
Lizzie

I just wanted to say that I agree about your comments about Embarrassing Bodies. When I was in my teens and 20s I never really focused on how my bits looked. Since having a baby I have not been that happy with my body, particularly my very small breasts but still didn't really dwell on my vulva. But then I was watching this other show one night, teen sex or something like that, and they were talking about what women look like in porn and what young guys consider "normal". So I got a mirror and decided that I look really abnormal and horrible down there!!!

Relax, I am sure you look fine.

so sad that (some) women feel this way about perfectly normal bodily parts. I don't see many men rushing to have penis surgery to conform to some kind of porno stereotype.
talking of which, don't forget he'll be too busy worrying about his own performance and body issues anyway - just be confident and enjoy yourself

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking about this a lot. Can I share this link with anyone who is insecure about their labia, it's horrifying:

www.steadyhealth.com/Labiaplasty_Nightmare_t112049.html?page=1

Bloody hell, just read all the posts on that link. Do some 'surgeons' do it for kicks or something?