Where do we go from here?

[Legume]

This is my first post on mn - so be gentle with me. I'm not sure where I'm going with my oh...we've been together for 3 yrs, I was a single mum to my dd and happily single, renting my own house and working full time. I have known my partner since I was a teenager but hadn't seen him for years. When I was 17 I asked him out (had huge crush on him) and he said no...he went on to have long (8 yrs I think?) relationship with a girl who then left him one day - apparently because he was boring - info told to me by mutual friends, he never said why, just they grew apart.
Anyway he asked about for my number and we met for a drink and ended up dating, had lots of fun, festivals, lovely trips out with my dd and a couple of little holidays. We moved in together and now have 2 more dd's born last year. The thing is that I feel we are just stuck together now. We don't do anything together, in fact he seems to hate leaving the house, he will only go out to go to work and come home again - take up his spot on the couch and doesn't move, even if the babies are crying or I need a hand. If I ask him to help he will do it but I am so sick of feeling like he is doing me a favour, I am a bloody doormat. If he does help out at home it's like he purposely does things wrong so I feel like I have to do everything myself, if he gets one of the babies ready for bed he does it in silence while they scream, he just seems so devoid of emotion for them and me,I think he wants to be on his own again but is stuck with me (and my 3kids). It's such a long story really and there is lots of background but over Xmas I asked him (when we had been getting along) if he thought we would ever get married, and he said no - whereas when we first got together he had said he would like to get married one day. I feel so hurt, he told me when I was 7 months preg with our twins that he didn't want to be with me anymore ( as I upset his mum over scuppering her plans to descend on us whe the babies were born) and we pulled it of 2 house sales to keep him happy after weeks/months of him brooding silently, honestly it's like you could cut the atmosphere in our house with a knife most of the time. Could keep babbling but going to hit create conversation and see what you make of it all

I'm really sorry, it sounds as though he doesn't want to be with you. It also sounds as though the rumours that he was boring are right.

I don't understand what you mean about pulling off two house sales. Do you still rent or do you own a house together?

Sorry it should have read 'pulled out of two house sales'. We planned to have a baby, and we knew we would have to move out of our home (owned by him) but discovered it was twins and the need to move became more urgent as we were really tight for space. We looked at houses and had a mortgage in place for the new house, but he started going all silent on me, as he does and it transpired he didn't want to move to the new house....so I pulled out of the sale. When we found a new house to buy I had to get our mortgage offer altered so went direct to the bank, where they said the offer was declined, audit turned out my partner had defaulted on a mobile phone bill, the default had literally been applied so me and my father are the names on the mortgage on our home-oh rented his house out and lives with me, pays the mortgage here, put all the deposit in(from an inheritance). So basically I haven't a pot to piss in, but I think he feels he is stuck because of his shit admin which means his money is tied up here. I'm convinced he equates marriage to losing his money, andhe thinks more about us being divorced than being married! He said when I asked him about marriage 'you don't want to marry me, you want someone better' and also that I had everything I needed (meaning home, kids) and basically that was the end of it. I can accept that he can be boring, but he wasn't before we got together - not that bad! I discovered 6 months into our relationship he played online poker and he had squandered 20k (yes you read it right) on the habit - which he has always maintained was not a 'habit'. The money was the first part of his inheritance so he didnt get into debt btw.
Now I have gambling filters on the laptop which he agreed to, as I gave him an ultimatum, poker or me back then and so he doesn't play anymore, but I know he would lapse if I took them off, as last year he somehow signed up to sky betting and it caused me a lot of heartache then over new year as to whether it was worth being with him, but I stuck with him to give him a chance to be a dad and see that there wa more to life than stupid fucking poker and shit tv.

if he gets one of the babies ready for bed he does it in silence while they scream This is unnerving. Failing to verbally or otherwise comfort a screaming baby while changing/dressing the infant is cruel and abusive.

He's going through the motions - goes to work, comes home, slobs on the sofa. He doesn't interact with you or his dc. This could indicate that he is suffering from depression... but:

Six months into your relationship you discovered that he had a serious problem with gambling but you stuck with him to give him a chance to be a dad and see that there was more to life than stupid fucking poker and shit tv.

He can't see that there's more to life because he's an addict. His drug of choice is gambling. He watches tv for hours on end to dull his craving. You may have put an end to him gambling at home, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he visits the bookies every working day.

Nothing is going to change unless he admits that he has a problem and seeks help/therapy and it may be that if you ask him to live, he'll get the wake-up call he needs to rejoin the human race.

correction to last sentence: ask him to leave.

That's something of a Freudian slip on my part as what you'll, effectively, be asking him to do is 'live' life to the full instead of withdrawing from it.

The house thing is confusing me- who's names r on the deeds, mortgage? Get him to leave. Do not put up with someone who treats your children this wau

we have a deed of trust on the house so it is mine and his names
on the house deeds but mine and my dad's on the mortgage.
Just to clarify on the gambling - when I found out he was gambling, it was all a bit of an accident. I was sorting out a tax return for him and his paperwork was just a mess. all these old bank statements had recurring us dollars being withdrawn from his account. so I totted all the payments up from the statements I found and it was a shitload of money. ironically when I
made the discovery he was in Vegas with a mate! When he came back I talked to him and said I couldn't handle the fact he had this gambling addiction (to which he has always said he hasn't, it's never got him in debt and he could give it tomorrow etc). well I have never had a spare 20k lying around to spunk so felt very upset and so sick that he was doing this, it ended up I said he had to decide, me or poker. he chose me. that was 2.5 years ago and all seemed ok although I always had a niggle that he might relapse if I pissed him off. then when I was pregnant he went through weeks/months of barely speaking to me - It was to do with having the twins, imminent house move, need for new car and the fact he would then have to financially hold us together as I wouldn't be earning. It came to (another) head on NYE when I said t wasn't healthy for my dd to be living in such a tense environment so moved out with her and my then bump. he didn't speak to me for a week, I went round every night to see if he would talk. in the end it was stress over the house move, he said he did want to be with me and would try to change. a few weeks later I discovered on his laptop not only had he been playing poker in the week I wasn't at home, he had also had a good look at porn. basically it seems he didn't give a fuck we'd left him and was quite happy to be on his tod. anyway I want to punch myself for not leaving for good then as there is just more and more I could say about his (lack of) approach to life, his reaction when his beloved mother didn't like what I said to her when she said she was staying for 2 weeks when the twins were born, I am feeling really unhappy, I think he suffers from depression and I feel like my existence is the catalyst for it. not good. I just didn't want to leave him and never give him the chance to be the father I know he can be. Big mistake. I often put the babies and my dd to bed myself while he is downstairs so they are happy and each get some positive attention, for the last week I have been
putting them to bed then going to bed
myself so I don't have to sit in the same room as him as I just want to punch him for being such a loser. I could ask him to leave but I feel like I've done it so many times and with the house stuff I cannot pay the bills, they are all on my name due to the fuck up default, he couldn't have direct debits set up in his name as a consequence, so he puts the correct money
in my account every month. I have no money coming in, at preseneven en our child tax credits are stopped as he couldn't provide evidence of some earnings. any money I have is when he gives me his debit card, which in fairness is most of the time, but if he goes he will cancel it, or take it back.

sorry for all the awful typing errors - damn autocorrect! hope my verbal diahorrhea is making sense to someone!

It is not within your power to change someone from the person they are into the person you feel they could or should be. Nor do you have the moral right to do so. But in looking so much at who you think he could become you have ignored the reality of who he is today.

He's a boring man who is happier when there are no demands on him or complications. A bit of shit TV and some online gambling suits him down to the ground. He's not like this because of you. It's nothing personal. He'd be this self-centered and dull with anybody.

The financial side sounds complicated. It might not be something that you can resolve overnight. But it might be worth making an appointment with the CAB to see if there is a plan you can put together that will give you a way out.