Can you fall in love again once romantic love is gone?

[PigletUnrepentant]

If you think yes, please let me know how.

I had a relationship for almost 3 years with a very good man, admittedly, he was very busy with family commitments (elderly relative, mother with frail health, extremely demanding ex wife and a child whose world he would disrupt with a crisp if he could possibly avoid it). Which meant that DS and I were often pushed to the side for very good reasons, but mostly... because that was "the way things were".

I had a very difficult time due to other factors, he was to my side and I knew I had all the emotional support but no practical at all. I simply couldn't count with him so, eventually I realised that things were not going to change and it was not fair to expect them to change either, I became used to the situation, and finally I stopped caring so I called the relationship off and tried to move on with my life.

I met another person and I was starting to fall in love, now ex has returned willing to change things and wanting to try again. In my head it's a no brainer, he is a good man, my child adores him and he seems to be taking the steps to change things to make it possible for us to live together. He has asked me to marry him.

If he had come with this a year ago I would have said yes without hesitation. Now my head is saying yes, but my heart is not quite there. I really would like to try it again but I feel towards him as I would feel towards a brother or a good friend, a lot of affection but no "click".

Can I bring the love back? can this be saved? I really would like to make it work, but in trying I am feeling a bit asphyxiated even when I'm trying my best for things to work.

Any suggestions?

bump

Check out Www.marriagebuilders.com it's such a great site for what builds (and tears down) love.

I think all things are possible, if you couldn't count on him before he will need to demonstrate that he can fulfil your need for domestic support and family commitment, hat might help something click...

How long ago was your 3yr relationship, and what has changed for him in the meantime? Has his dm joined the choir immortal? Has his ex found religion or remarried?

If you don't feel the spark for your old flame, I would advise you to proceed with extreme caution as when the fire's gone out, it's unlikely to ignite again.

Is there any reason why you should rush to decide? Why don't you play the field for a while seeing both your new flame and your old flame - and maybe find a fresh flame to give you a perspective on both of them?

I'm curious as to why your old flame has suddenly reappeared; could it be that he heard on some grapevine or other that you had a new man in your life?

Not in this situation, no.

Starting a relationship (because for it to work, it would have to be a new start) from the position of feeling no spark and only fraternal affection spells trouble.

Agree that he might also be 'talking a good job' because of the competitor male.

my child adores him This is the prime reason why your head's saying yes, isn't it?

Putting what you may perceive as your ds's need for a 'good man' as a role model above your own needs in a partner/spouse, may cause unhappiness all round as you will be unlikely to have a fulfilling relationship in every sense of the word with a man you regard as more of 'a brother or good friend' than a lover who lights your fire.

Thank you for your messages, they certainly have given me some food for thought (quite a lot actually...).

I will reply this evening once I'm at home.

Lady, that comment certainly helps... He started to make changes (got an interview near to where I live, and his relationship with DS has improved a lot -it wasn't bad but sometimes I wished he could relax a bit) and I started feeling more positive. Now that the interview was unsuccessful and had spent a full day with both his child and mine... I'm feeling back in limbo and suddenly not so interested (Disclaimer: I'm not a materialistic bad person, but I really can't face yet another year of employment uncertainity, I don't need his money but I am not in a good position to "subsidise" him either)

Izzy, spot on as usual... Why did he returned after 4 months? I guess it was because at that point he realised I was not playing games and was not really interested in coming back.

Why do I have to decide so soon? well, ex partner is putting a huge effort on sorting the things up and with his attitude saying "take it or leave it... and you have to stop seeing other guy".

Other guy is lovely and I really enjoy his company but while I want to settle down, other guy is a free spirit. I don't think we would be good together in the long term (He would feel asphyxiated and I would probably feel stressed all the time) but in the mean time, both of us knowing this well, we are enjoying each other's company and I feel we have both have a good influence on each other even if we have completely opposite views in many issues. He is asking me to follow my heart, but I know his will be very sad if I stopped seeing him when we are having such a good time.

Third option, dating another one... pass! honestly, my life is complicated enough with this two... having said that... there is this other guy who has been inviting me out for quite a long time... hmm... no, better not get there...

and in answer to your other questions: yes, elderly relative has now moved to a nursing home so he doesn't need to go to his house to get her up and to bed every day. His mum has finally being faced with the reality that they need to use their disability allowance to get carers to do certain shores as before they were expecting ex to do all the work because they didn't like the idea of a carer doing their shopping, or sorting their meals.

It also seems that ex has finally understood that it's is all good about trying to have total flexibility to help them out whenever is necessary but at the end of the day he still has a rent and child maintenance to pay..

Hattytown... that's exactly where I am departing from...

IMO (and it is only that) 'Romantic' love is often very over exaggerated. Few people really have a clear understanding of the true meaning of romance. For many people romance is only 'the spark' two people feel for each other, the flip in the stomach when you see each other, the sexual tension, nights out wining and dining and excitement. Big flourishes which may or may not prove to be real or sincere in the long term.

All those things are nice and good in a relationship. However true romance is very much more mudane. It involves commitment, looking after the family, making you a cup of tea when you're tired, offering to cook when you're fed up, being steady and dependable (often equated with boring) etc.

Your ex sounds like a man who knows the meaning of family, not many guys would look after a sick relative and an ex wife, it shows he can be committed. Love can grow through observing the really small things that someone does every day for you and for others. It love based more on things of substance than just 'feelings'

But you still do have to have some feelings or it will just not work. You have to decide if there's anything left to work with, or whether you'd rather have a period with no commitments and just lots of fun for a while.

Thanks sparkly.

It seems like a time with no commitments might be the best option. Ex trying to get to where things were in light speed and his demands to stop seeing other guy are certainly making me feel "forced into a relationship" and certainly ruining any chance to salvage the relationship...

I have asked for friendship only for a while but he is immediatly assuming I have changed my position and we are back together at the slightest of positive signs...

Guess I need to tell him friendship or leave it... since I started this thread a few days ago, the pressure I am feeling has increased to the point I don't even feel like picking up his phone calls :-(

As I rarely take kindly, or act on, ultimatums I must admit to feeling a tad biased against your ex particuarly as I suspect that he talks a good talk (he was 'emotionally available to you' - how did that work then?) that in practice turns out to be bollocks.

The perceived wisdom on this board is that an ex is an ex for a reason and it seems to me, Piglet, that you are well and truly over any romantic feelings you previously held for your ex.

I suggest that you follow your heart by continuing to engage in the company of the 'lovely guy' who is no doubt as entertaining as he is delightful, and tell Mr Insistent that it's your way or no way - personally, I'd go for no way, Jose.

Please don't be in a hurry to 'settle down'. Get as much fun and experience under your belt as you can so that any eventual coupledom you enter into needn't be the stuck in the rut of dullsville that it is for so many.

And while you're at it, give Mr No.3 a call whirl