Come and give me a shake please! I really need one.

[givemeashake]

I met a lovely guy over Christmas, we really hit it off. Exchanged numbers. Texted loads then met up and I am afraid we did the deed . I know it was soon but in my defence I came out of a very abusive relationship two years ago and have not had sex in ALL THAT TIME!!!!

So since then we are still texting and have made plans to meet up again. However he lives miles away from me and he is much younger than me. Its a non starter as far as a "relationship" is concerned and that is actually fine by me.

So WHY can I not stop thinking about him? Why am I am in the depths of depression when I don't get a text for a few hours. I am being ridiculous I know I am. I need you all to tell me to get a grip and some scientific facts about why women suddenly get so attached to men just because they had a good shag with them? I know there must some be rational explanation.

I need to stop thinking about him, I am literally getting NOTHING done, all I do is sit around thinking about him and everything else seems like a massive chore. There is no way I will see him again for another three or four weeks so I need to get a grip at once.

HELP ME! I am a regular btw this is just a bit embarassing though .

Don't apologise for having sex (to us) if you wanted to have it.

I am not sure you are mooning about with your crush just because you had sex. Have you read some of the other threads on here? There are plenty of people afflicted with escapist fantasies about their perfect person, or waiting on texts, and some of them haven't even met them or have never started the relationship. Crushes and small obsessions are quite normal.

If you are finding you are getting emotionally hurt by waiting for texts/reading more into having sex than was intended perhaps, this might be a good reason for waiting.

But having a crush can be fun too, better staring into space than thinking about your work...(unless it is really spoiling your day). Just remember not to confuse fantasy and reality, he's not superman!

Why is it a non-starter?

Like Belle, said, it's not necessarily a non-starter unless you want more from him than you are aware he is able/prepared to give in which case because you do form attachments so quickly he isn't the one for you

if and this is a big if you could keep it very light and "no strings" then it could work as a LDR/occasional good times type of thing

you don't want that though do you ?

my recommendation would be to keep looking and having dates etc with other men until you find someone in a better position to give you what you want

Turn it around - is he putting his life on hold whilst mooning around, waiting for texts from you? Betcha he's not!

Now go and LIVE YOUR LIFE, otherwise you're turning in to a right dullard and you can bet your life, he won't find a boring bint half as attractive when you meet up again!

"if and this is a big if you could keep it very light and "no strings" then it could work as a LDR/occasional good times type of thing

you don't want that though do you ?"

Actually thats exactly what I DO want but now its actually happening it all feels like I can't actually deal with it i.e. I would rather not be doing it at all than having to be giving headspace to it. Maybe I am just not ready.

Its a non starter because he is so much younger and we are a totally different life stages.

I honestly do not ever want to live with a man or have a marriage again, done it a couple of times now and it never works out, also I have children so have to think of them and I am not prepared to introduce anyone into their lives.

So in fact this should be ideal. Is it normal to be this moony and sighing over it all though, maybe i will settle down in a couple of days?

I have no regrets whatsoever about the sex by the way, im glad I did it and would do it the same way given half a chance .

What I think worries me as that yes it will be NSA but he will become part of my life something that I look forward to and inevitably he will meet someone more suitable for him and things will stop and then I will have a gap in my life that I wouldn't have had to deal with if I had just done nothing with him at all iyswim? I am not ready am I? its been two years though, when will I be?

I don't think you are cut out or ready for a "no strings" relationship, love. Someone who is already worrying about the "gap in her life" when your hooks-up reach their conclusion doesn't sound like she is, to me

Unless like you say, when the "novelty" of him wears off a bit and you stop mooning around like a lovestruck teenager and can start to be more actually realistic about the whole thing, and not simply trying to convince yourself you can do it

I think you are right. Its not bloody fair though, I so want to be one of these women who just don't CARE!! I like the company of men but it seems I have to avoid them because I am such a sad cow .

See before I met him, I loved my life, totally content with my lot, looking after my dc, studying, meet up with friends occasionally it was enough! Now its like a doors been opened to something else ie, having men back in my life and I don't actually think I am ready to cope with that. Oh well.

aww, well you sound lovely

take your time, try not to rush things and overthink yourself into a right old pickle (easier said than done)

I do not see harm in sleeping with somebody so quickly, but if you know you fall hard and fast for someone quickly, why would you do it to yourself ?

tbh, I think it's quite a small number of women (and blokes too, IMO) who can honestly say they don't hand over some of their emotional currency to someone they have been so vulnerable and intimate with

I actually feel better already having had a mini rant about it on here. I am quite isolated where I live though do have friends living elsewhere so I suppose I have just been stewing on it a bit with no one to get it off my chest to. Also the friends I do have, I think are quite keen for me to meet someone "lovely" to make up for the hell I put up with my ex that they would be far more encouraging of me going for something I am not ready for, so I am not getting realistic opinions from them iyswim?

Thanks for replying to me.

"but if you know you fall hard and fast for someone quickly, why would you do it to yourself ?"

I think this is going to have to be my new philosophy.

keep posting x

I have recently come out of an abusive relationship, was sworn off men completely. Then I happened across one that kind of lobbed a grenade into my non-life.

Had the situation been different, I too probably would have pursued it, but it turned out that he was married unsuitable so it had to end.

I was bereft to begin with, we tried remaining in contact but strict understanding of no chance of anything ever developing. That didn't work as he ended up stropping off when I wouldn't send him pics of my tits Good riddance. The bloke was nasty tbh.

The whole series of events HAS opened my eyes to the possibility of a relationship, am still scared witless about it tbh, and am taking this dating thing at a snails pace, which will probably mean that whoever IS interested will piss off in the end anyway, but I can't do any more than I am doing at the moment.

Take things more slowly with yourself, justify the fun, you are overdue some, and perhaps detach a little once the initial adrenaline burst dies down a bit.

Good luck to you love, keep in touch with us and talk stuff out.

If you want more dedicated support, come over onto the EA Support thread.