How can some men father umpteen children and then just not give them a backward glance?

[TheFeministsWife]

I truly don't understand. (And yes I know women do it too, I'm just having a moan).

I'm very lucky that this doesn't effect me in any way, but I feel so very sad for those kids (and their mums as well really). I'm talking in particular about my BIL. He has on the last count had 7 children to 5 different women. And no he doesn't pay any maintenance for any of them. After his last marriage went tits up 2 years ago he disappeared, much to DH's dismay, (and my relief, I can't bloody stand the bastard). Him not being around has been great TBH, but I've also felt sad for DH as he missed his brother.

Anyway a month or so back BIL's eldest child messaged DH on FB to say he'd found his dad and been to see him. So DH started to message BIL on FB and they've been speaking. This weekend he's gone to visit him. Pleased for DH, but not so pleased he's back on the scene TBH but hey what can you do. Noticed DH has been tagged in some photos on FB earlier this evening by BIL (I'm not friends with him on there, but can see the pics DH is in). So I had a nosey at them and in the background of 1, is a little girl of around 14 months maybe. She is so obviously BIL's child (all his kids look exactly alike very distinctive eyes and hair). I knew from what DH had mentioned that he had a girlfriend but didn't expect him to have another child so soon.

He's probably spun his new girlfriend a load of lies and she probably doesn't even know he has so many other children, or that he isn't even divorced yet. I mean that's 8 kids to 6 different women!

You're probably wondering why I give a shit at all seen as I don't like him? Well apart from feeling really badly for his exes and other children, it means that now DH is back in touch with him, at some point I'm going to probably have to see him, and his new girlfriend and new baby. Which means I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut and lie to this poor girl's face which I don't want to do. Or I don't see why I should bloody have too either. He made his own bed he should bloody lie in it. If I do say anything it would mean BIL would stop speaking to DH again, which would devastate DH. I'm caught between a bloody rock and a hard place really. Wonder if I can just refuse to meet up with him and his girlfriend would that work? I suppose it would unless they bloody turned up here, which I really hope they don't.

I definitely wouldn't be seeing him or any other man I knew didn't pay maintenance to his kids. Disgusting.

Times like this I honestly see why the nuclear family as a model worked for so long.

tell your dh that you dont mind him having a relationship with his db but you will not, your not trying to cause problems but thats the way it is.

Yanbu. This sort of behaviour is indefensible. I work with underachieving teenagers and so many of them have absent dads. They are letting down their children and do not deserve the support and approval of society as they are failing in their responsibilities. I would happily step in on your behalf and tell your Bil he is an utter pointless waste of space. God they get my goat absent fathers.

My dad has 13 children by 9 diffrent women and my ex has 3 by 3 women and the truth is the new wife's ,girlfriends don't give a shit

They know deep down but they don't about the previous children as long as theirs are taking care off

My step mum is well aware my dad has loads of children my sister by another mother is only two days younger than me and he also has two women that are sisters with kids by him

As far as Ashe is concerned he lives with her pays her bills and is fully involed with their family so she is not borthed

To be honest even on mumsnet you see wife's asking for help for ways to help then and their oh avoid maintenance

My firend who herself has four children by three men has herself started dating a man whom and first had 3 children and now turns out he has seven by serval women , and it's the usual exuses that he was tricked, some are not his , others the mumsnet hers are bitches and won't let him see them

To be Honest deep down my mate a single mother herself knows it's bull shit but wants to be with the guy so the exuses stand when he's given her a fith child and left her like the rest he will become a no good baby dady who won't support his kids

Btw he picks up her 4 every Sunday for a carvery

Most men who have multiple children with diffrent partners are no good a women who clings to that is either despatre or no god herself

Decent,healthy women just don't entertain men with 6.7.8 .9 kids with as many women

For every feckless father, there is a woman willing to swallow the sob story and rush into having a child with him.

I know lots of feckless fathers but equally I know lots of women who have children with multiple men.

I don't feel particularly sorry for any of the adults involved as generally they are the ones with the choice.

I do however feel sorry for all the children who end up with countless people sleeping in the resident parent's bed.

They're expected to be 'happy' that Mummy or Daddy are having yet another baby by someone who is unlikely to stick around.

Maypole1, you make the point that it takes a woman to put up with it. Why the f* would you want to be a single mother in waiting? Could you suggest to me how to stop today's generation of young women getting impregnated by losers who fail to take responsibility?

Why is it still culturally acceptable to father children, then fail to raise them? These men should be ashamed. I don't wish to offend, but is this not particularly an issue in the Afro Caribbean community? Why?

Because too many women are willing to have babies with men without marrying them or without at least making sure they have a long term committed relationship with them of a few years.

Contraception and the morning after pill could not be more freely available in this country...so that just leaves the fact in my opinion that the women are just as thoughtless.

Sadly monkey see mokey do

My mates daugters are unlikey to go down a diffrent road

My mate herself is one of six but they are of three diffrent fathers he sister has 5 her brother has two and one on the way no one in her immediat family is married and she has only been to one wedding ever mine

She is nearly 40 and she know know one who is married and know one who has the same children with just one person

And she herself is dating a man with lots of children , and we're all her single firends who have teenage daughters have children they split with before the baby even arrives in the word

So god only knows what her daugters think is acceptable

The only thing that comes to hand is education I guess women who are highly educated have less children

Also it's about self worth and family culture I am afraid

For some women they will have any kind of relationship than be alone

Confuseddd really go to the estates in Scotland,Newcastle,Bristol and you will find plenty of white women with 5,67 kids all by diffrent men

Also when one watches jermery vile I hardly see a black face having to ask for
"that all important DNA test "

Sadly this cuts across all races Asians seem to hide this a lot better and the sons are usually made to face up hence forced marriages ECt or sometimes shamed into doing the right thing

Next confuseddd you be telling us black men beat their wife's more than whites

Steterotype much

I think in your situation op I just would refuse the meet. I wouldn't want to lie either. My dd's dad is a grade A fuckwit, goes around fathering kids then denies them. Its a pity his few friends keep their mouths shut actually because it may have prevented a lot of heartache, but they do keep it zipped out of loyalty to him. They know he's an idiot, but they never do anything about it and who can blame them really? It's not their problem.

Thefoggy, to be honest even if his mates had said somthing no doubut these girls who of jusfied it some how

It's what women do

I went hot with a guy who was employed I convinced my self that he just needed time to work out his five point plan and get some backing for his venture a year later I relised he was just a loafter who didn't want to work

My mates were all telling me he was bum, and mate even told me she though he might be homeless but I justified every pound I spent on him and every job interview he turned down loved is blind and girlfriends and foolish

By all means keep a distance between you and your BIL. You can't stand him and you don't have to justify that to anyone.

However, you can't stop your DH from having a relationship with his brother, or your DCs from having a relationship with their uncle (unless he is a danger), because you do not approve of his and his partners' choices.

It is what some women do maypole, I agree, my ex p new bride saw how he treated his daughter, she still went on to have a baby with him. More fool her!

What Worra said.

And at what point do taxpayers get to say "enough already"?

Because these men, ha ha, are scummy individuals with little morals, principles and values who should be forced to have vasectomies.

Stereotyping yes, but I am referring the people like the 29 year old wo has dozens of kids, doesn't pay and is actually a grandfather.

Nice to see a lot of you putting the blame on the women.

These men should be shunned by all decent people - they fuck up their kids lives and fuck up the lives of the people (usually women) who are left behind to pick up the pieces.

It seems as a society, we are willing to tolerate this, yet continue to pour scorn on the women who actually stay and do the hard work of raising the children.

The government is in the process of bringing in a bill (this week, I think) that will mean single parents have to pay to use the CSA to try and get child support off
men that don't want to support their children. This will mean far fewer women will be able to afford to use the CSA and more men will be able to walk away from their children and never pay a penny in support for them.

Agree- this sort of man is disgusting. But you need to remember that it takes two..... Any woman who is happy to get knocked up by a feckless idiot has to take her share of responsibility too. And just because she's the one who's physically going to live with the kids doesn't mean she's necessarily a saint doing a great job - there are many kids out there to testify to that.

It takes two people to have a child and contraception is free and methods can be doubled up to ensure that it is overly safe. If women are willing to have a child in a short term relationship or with a man that already has children and isnt a part of their lives then thats a choice they make as an adult and both parties need to bear responsibility for that decision.

Many know that the state will provide a great deal financially and that having a child means that they can choose not to work.

I think a lot of it is also that women don't have to put up with a useless shit for a partner.

If he hits you, or drinks too much, or is a cocklodger, you don't have to live with him. The state might not provide much, but it's reliable and these men are not.

So you can get rid. And then the useless cocklodger can move on to the next woman, before she gets wise to him too.

Previously, we might have had to stay with these type of men.

Unfortunately, most of these men don't have 'I'm a feckless idiot' tattooed on their foreheads. (If we could bring in a law to do that - I'm all for it!)

HappyMummy - you need to stop reading the Daily Fail. Where are all these single parents who get impregnated so they don't have to work? It's a load of woman-hating bollocks - why buy into it? Save your scorn for the people that deserve it.

So you can get rid. And then the useless cocklodger can move on to the next woman, before she gets wise to him too.

But not before she also has a child.....and the bill to the taxpayer goes on rising.......

I hate this view that women are stupid little things who are incapable of making a judgement about anything. Its so patronising. A useless bloke who has fathered several kids and is incapable of taking responsibility and who doesn't even want anything more than a quick shag or a short term relationship doesn't need it tattood across him. Sadly there are women out there who's self esteem is so low that they have a pretty good idea that a bloke is unreliable yet they are happy to get up the duff within months, weeks or days of knowing him. Often it's fairly clear that the bloke isn't interested in commitment- not to the woman or the child.

If you accept that women and men are equal human beings, then it makes no sense to assume that one gender is utterly incapable of making a judgement.

If the CSA was better, lots of these men would 'put at hat on the head'. if they are on benefits, they should have to pay more than £2.50 per week per child.

if it makes life harder for them, good, it will make them think before doing the same thing again.

then they can focus on the child(ren) they already have.

corlan having 7 children with 5 diffrent women,not having any way to support those children is a pretty big sighn to me

I know women who are spun this line oh yeah I have 9 kids but I look after them all when he only gets job seekers which means he's not supporting them money wise and the new girlfriend is out with the guy every weekend so um exactly when is seeing the children

My mate as I have said in a post. Above is seeing a guy who already has seven children she her self has for is not using anything herself to prevent getting pregnant by this new guy they have only been together a Couple of months and I stringy surspect he is living with one of his mothers children as my mate has never been to his home mmmm
She has never worked by the way and she is narly 40 but she IS safe in the knowledge the state will pick up the bill if she has another and he dose a bunk so this dose happen .

My last word on that as this is not a thread about benefits

If women didn't open their legs to married men, men who didn't work or men who are women beaters they would have to change their ways but why would you when they can be these things and still get a women

Is in our hands