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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding this tough

24 replies

startinganewlife · 21/01/2012 22:13

I am seperating form my H and although it was my decision, i am finding it tough. I didnt expect this to be an easy process after 20 years, but it feeld like i'm in limbo. H keeps telling me that its all my decision and therefore its easier for me to cope with... and that i cant expect this and that to happen cos its my decision and not his.... he seems to think this is really easy for me.

He wont 'let' me tell anyone yet... although I have told close friends and family as i've needed to explain my odd behaviour over the last year.... because i have been withdrawing from everyone because ive been so unhappy. a few of my closest friends are clearly avoiding me as they dont know what to do with this information... and that hurts. i dont expect them to listen to me going on about my seperation, just to 'be there' for me as normal...

I am in total financial limbo until we can agree on a settlement, which i have tried to explain to H, but hes refusing to discuss much at the moment and still hasnt seen a solicitor...after agreeing that we would seek financial advice jointly i find out that hes gone off and done this alone, and now i dont trust him to be honest with me.... maybe i have no right to expect we can sort this amicably....

what a mess

OP posts:

Punkatheart · 21/01/2012 22:16

Same situation here, except it was my OH who ended things. 20 years too. I am in a different sort of limbo - my OH is not entirely sure if he will come back, so he is going through counselling. Have you thought about counselling? 20 years is a long time - you will need some closure, some resolution.

Sending hugs in the meantime. Understand.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 21/01/2012 22:31

thank you. I'm sorry youre going thru the same thing... for me, counselling just wont work... it really is over, I have been unhappy for the past 4-5 years.... and i have tried, tho H thinks i havent, i have. sounds trite, but i just want to be happy and for a number of reasons, this isnt now with H.

I feel like I am supposed to be 'fine' with it all, and that i have no right to ask for help or support because it was my decision.... but it doesnt stop it being hard, especially because we have dc....

OP posts:

maleview70 · 21/01/2012 22:37

It is very hard but you have done the hardest thing. Money is just a side issue.

LadyMedea · 21/01/2012 22:51

I think punk was suggesting that you might benefit from counselling, particularly if friends aren't being great. It would give you a supportive place to talk and work through your feelings, even if you are comfortable with your decision.

I would suggest ou get your own Legal advice for our own sake, even if you go fr a collaborative divorce you'll need your own representation.

Punkatheart · 21/01/2012 22:55

I was indeed talking about counselling just for you. There are specialists in Separation and Divorce.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 21/01/2012 22:57

Lady... oh i see what Punk was saying now... yes i would consider counselling on my own... that is a good idea... Some friends are being really good... and my family are too... but the ones who seem to be keeping their distance... well it feels like ive done something wrong... i know i have isolated myself in recent months, but i told them why... they seemed to understand.... but it feels like they are distancing themselves...

Lady... i have already seen my own solicitor... that was helpful, but i need H to see one so we can start working out a settlement... i need to know what will happen before i feel secure... i know i'm not facing an easy time and life will change a lot.... it just want to be further down the road i guess....

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 21/01/2012 22:58

Counselling can help you through the leaving process as well as trying to work things out. It can help you clarify things and give you a stronger place to start from, with issues such as money etc.

It sounds like your ex is being as difficult as he can because he doesnt want it over, which i can understand even if I dont approve. So counselling may help you find ways to deal with his attitude in a way that works for both of you.

Bogeyface · 21/01/2012 23:00

You dont need him to see a solicitor before you start the ball rolling on a settlement. If you give your solicitor the information you have about your joint finances, they can work out roughly what you should be asking for/offering and write to him with that. When he receives it, that will give him the kick he needs to get a solicitor of his own. And if he doesnt then thats his look out, a court can approve a financial settlement if they are happy that he understands what is being agreed.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 21/01/2012 23:05

H is being difficult and i know its cos he doesnt want this and i am trying to be understanding... i just dont think dragging this out is helpful. I have told him what my solicitor suggests is a fair settlement and H is appauled.... says he's being ripped off and that i'm being unfair etc... what shes suggesting is a 60:40 split of assets, basically because i will have the children and i am entitled to a lump sum for having been at home with the children... he will fight this every step of the way. He wants to retain a share in the house, says the children would never go without... but i need a clean break... not thinking i have to sell the house if he changes his mind or go to him when i need money. i want to stand on my own two feet!

OP posts:

ThePinkPussycat · 21/01/2012 23:16

In these cases you should never consider joint financial advice about a settlement. Are you separating or divorcing? I am going through similar atm, although my situation is different I would be happy to talk by PM, as I may have to go into tedious and identifiable detail to compare properly.

With help from my solicitor, I petitioned for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, the decree nisi has now been pronounced. Stbx is being a similar arse to yours re getting advice, responding to letters etc. We are still living in the same house. But I feel stronger and better than I have done in decades.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 21/01/2012 23:24

have pm you pussycat... at least i think i have...never used it before!... where do i pick up messages???

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/01/2012 00:03

You arent actualy entitled to a lump sum for staying home, but are entitled to half the marital assets, his pension and any savings. You arent necessarily entitled to the house, can you buy him out rather than sell it?

ThePinkPussycat · 22/01/2012 00:11

Have replied - you should see envelope icon at top of page

solidgoldbrass · 22/01/2012 00:39

Are you getting rid of him because he's a bellend? If so, remember that he's a bellend and stop worrying about his feelings. You do not need his permission to tell other people the marriage is over; he is not your boss or your owner. Be calm and polite but don't feel you have to tiptoe round him just because he didn't want the relationship to end.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 22/01/2012 11:02

fabby... when i say lump sum... i'm meaning that as part of the half of marital assests... but solicitor reckons it wont be a 50: 50 split because i have the children and am more vulnerable in terms of income.... pbviously this all has to be sorted out... but i'm just presenting him with what was said at initial meeting.... obviously negotiations are gonna happen with that...

Solid... hes not a bellend as such! ha ha.. hes a decent bloke, great dad etc... its just over, i havent been happy for a long time and i am definately more relaxed and happy when hes not here... its no one thing he's 'done'... its just a sad event really, that after all this time i think we are better off apart... theres no one else on the scene for either of us or any major issue or anything... and i do feel bad for him because he would happily carry on like this forever, but i just cant. i really am trying to be patient and reasonable but i guess i am just a lot further on in understanding that this is finished than he is. But what i dont want to do is carry on living together and then things get bitter and difficult because then the children are affected.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 22/01/2012 12:07

It may be hard but just because you want things sorting asap doesn't necessarily mean he has to. Concentrate on sorting yourself out for now, find somewhere to rent etc & tell people what you like, that is up to you. If you want to stay in the house & he doesn't want to leave then you need to get on with the divorce as eventually those proceedings will lead to the financial settlement others have alluded to. A lot more judges are going 50/50 nowadays so don't assume you will automatically get 60%, unless you have very young children.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 22/01/2012 12:35

Redhelen... thanks, I know i cant speed him up, thats unfair of me... i have said i will give him the time he needs, and i really will try to, thats only fair. i dont feel able to get on with the divorce as that forces him to deal with it before he is ready... i cant do that.

As for settlement, i know 50:50 is fair, but my dc are young and my ability to work is constrained by this, and by H's job as he works away... but i do work what i can, and will increase my hours. I'm only going by what the solicitor has told me, that I could end up with more than half, because of my circumstances... which are complicated.... I'm not trying to screw him... just trying to make sure me and the dc are secure without me having to rely on him in the future.

OP posts:

ThePinkPussycat · 22/01/2012 17:13

You don't need to rush things, Starting, taking things a bit slow gives you time to think things through thoroughly, and prepare your arguments and evidence properly.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 22/01/2012 17:43

youre right pinkpussycat... i know theres no rush...

feeling bit crap about it all today... still think ive made the right decision but thinking i should suggest to H that we take more time to sort everything before he moves out (we have initailly agreed he would move out within the next couple of months)... i dont know

OP posts:

Singingahappytune · 22/01/2012 19:46

Namechange.

My instinct would be to say he should move out as soon as practically possible before real bitterness sets in. It will be better for you all and especially the children.

Even though you want to do this there will be a sense of unreality and clinging to the familiar. It is only natural after such a long relationship.

You sound very brave.

ThePinkPussycat · 22/01/2012 21:43

Yes, I keep forgetting that for some there is the option to move out before settlement is agreed. Not in our case, I have wracked my brains to think of how, he works but doesn't earn much (yet, he says - according to him it will take another year), he would get some WTC but as he potentially has capital that's it on the benefit front. And we own the house jointly. I am on contrib ESA which is not enough to live on and is scheduled to stop in April. Aargh, didn't mean to hijack!

OP worth checking what benefits you would be entitled to. Even while you are still under the same roof, you can declare to the Tax Credits people that you are no longer together as a couple, and claim Ch T C and WTC with you as the only claimant. Assuming you have the responsibility for the kids. (I think this info is correct).

Lovingfreedom · 22/01/2012 21:48

If you are separating, it's not up to your DH to 'let' you tell people. Letting go of the control that he has over these kinds of decisions is a big part of letting go more generally. You won't move forward until he stops being the person you share decisions with (or worse take orders from) and in whom you confide. If you're serious about sticking to it, start telling people, get it out in the open and get your help and support from elsewhere - family, friends, neighbours plus mumsnet posts.

Lovingfreedom · 22/01/2012 21:50

And try to get him out of the house, somehow. I kept pressing relentlessly for more & more about OW until my DH had enough and decided to go to a friends house for a break. I've never let him back in.

Original poster

startinganewlife · 25/01/2012 10:35

Well..... i have suggested to H that we put things on hold for a few months... but made it clear that I am making no promises and i do not see this a chance to sort things out.

I know that neither of us is strong enough to tell the dc yet, and i do not want to tell them until we can both do it in the proper way. Also, H is still getting his head around it and i dont feel its right for him to leave the dc just yet...he needs more time and thats the least i can do.

He did ask if this was a chance to work things out, and i said i was making no promises as i think i will still feel the same way in three or four months time... but i have promised to make living together as easy as possible.

I hope i havent made a mistake, I am just trying to do the right thing... particulary for the dc.

OP posts:

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