How do you deal with a friend who wants to be your BEST friend... when you don't?

[PishWife]

...and is it actually dishonest to spend time with them, knowing that they want more of you than you want of them?

This is the third time in the past few years that I've had a casual friend start declaring that I am their best friend, they couldn't get by without me etc. and whilst I don't dislike them (I very rarely dislike anybody), I am really not in the market for lots of "first person I could call at 3am in a crisis" type of friends, and what I want is more of a meet up for a natter now and then and get on with our lives...

I do have close friends whose company I love, where there is balance and we respect each other's space and time (waves to lovely fellow MNer who has been advising me on this subject today) - but you can't force these things, and I find it strange when a woman starts sending out very strong "best friend" signals, even declaring me to be her best friend, when I'm not sending any back (or am I giving the wrong impression, and therefore being dishonest?)

Going out for the evening now, but would be really interested to hear people's views on this.

Will watch with interest... I am in the same boat!

Goodness, this whole "best friend" business is a bit teenage, isn't it? Is it really worth the headspace?

When you say 'couldn't get by without me' I wonder if you are are unconsciously attracting needy people. Perhaps you are very organised/efficient, or perhaps have your 'head on straight' so find people who come to you for advice and then eventually they lean on you too heavily?

Perhaps you need to be more aware, on the front end of a friendship, what the nature of the interactions are? And if the balance of power is skewed, maybe it should be a signal to you?

You dont have to be each others BFs though do you?

If you are the best friend she has then you are, by definition, her BF. If she isnt the best friend you have then she isnt yours.

and I agree, it is a bit playground!

Why do grown women need to declare and categorise 'best' friends like they're still at school and walking down the corridor with their arms linked?

It is grating and I'm also not attracted to people who do this.

I think it is a bit different if you met at school or when you were school age and declared yourselves BFF! That special relationship carries on, but to do it at aged say 30 is a bit annoying!

It's silly, isn't it? You don't want to be rude or to upset them, but my experience is that someone like this can actually do you a lot of harm, ie take over, keep others away, and at least become seriously annoying and exhausting.

"best friend? Best friend? Do you still have best friends? I thought that sort of thing was left behind at school", just casually, big smile, talk rapidly about something else.

Can you say that you like having the odd coffee once a while, but you've got close friends you need to spend time with or something, when she next asks you to go for a coffee? Subtly emphasize the "close".

Mind you, sometimes this behaviour indicates a clingy or even controlling personality, so try to keep it casual until you know for sure.

I had a 'best friend' like that once (she used to tell me I was her 'bestie' all the time. I always found it a bit high school). We met at uni and were friends for years.
Initially we got on really well- she was sweet and funny and we had our student years in common.

The problem started after we all went our separate ways.
She decided that everything about her life was awful. She developed a huge martyr/drama queen complex and made sure she inflicted it on everyone who would listen, specially me, the 'best friend'. She would spend hours on end moaning about her life to me but never reciprocated- I was her sympathetic sounding board.

We finally 'broke up' when she displayed shocking self-obsession after a mutual friend suffered an awful bereavement. I just stopped calling her. I felt guilty for a while and sad at our past friendship but the relief was overwhelming.

I agree with you, OP and everyone else who is saying that grown women don't neeed declarations of this sort, that friendship should be organic, reciprocal etc etc, and that there are alarm bells ringing in the situation you describe.

However, if this is the third time this has happened to you in recent years then I think you need to look very closely at your own words/actions. Are you (maybe unwittingly) on some kind of power trip where you like to feel very necessary until it becomes inconvenient/overpowering?

That sounds harsh and I apologise, but having been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment (where someone has suddenly cooled having been as enthusiastic as me, or maybe even more to start with), I feel that sometimes this kind of needer/needed dynamic is a two way street.

Just a thought. Good luck!

Really pleased with all the advice, thanks.

I agree that the "best friend" thing is rather odd past the age of about 14.

Particularly grateful for your insightful post MilesJuppisasexgod which I will chew over. I don't think I am on a mission to feel necessary, but then it could be in the mix somewhere. I come from a family of overwhelmed martyrs so I have definitely had the training

A large part of it is a reluctance to say "no" and be the person who lets someone down, although I am worlds better at this than I was 10 years ago.

Anyway, have just returned from an evening with the latest person and it seems that they were actually on a mission to get into a male friend's trousers and not actually all that bothered whether I was there or not (long story), so maybe I need to be a bit less ready to believe people who are suddenly very chummy out of the blue - and stop over-thinking it!

Pishwife you are a scholar and a gentlewoman.

Do you know I spent not a little time after posting yesterday thinking I was being way too judgemental so I am SO glad that you have taken it in the way it was clumsily intended.

And really chuffed to hear about your evening!

Thanks Miles. I don't come to Mumsnet for hand-holding and being told that I am lovely etc (DH has that role!)

BTW I had to Google "Miles Jupp" and I agree, I clocked that he was a right goer in about 2004...

@ Brass

The name is of course slightly in jest although I have seen MJ live a couple of times and it has to be said he scrubs up pretty well off camera!

More to the point, he is, IMHO, self-wettingly funny and when you get to my age this is no end of a turn-on! Fortunately DH thinks the same and in fact when we were married the Registrar, commenting on our home-made vows said she thought we were clearly in it for life as we recognised the importance of a sense of humour. (I had incorporated into my half of the vows a pledge to bicker with him, and by cracky I have been as good as my word!!!)

Anyway I will stop now as I have gone seriously off topic and the thread police will be after me. More to the point I will be name changing pdq as I may have outed myself!

Big ups to youand to Pishwife