I don't like my husband anymore.

[BustyStClaire]

We have no fun when he is here, he is not fun. He disapproves if we are in our pj's on a weekend till noon. He hates the dogs & doesnt let them in the living room. He is constantly disaproving of D1's behaviour. She is 23 & shock horror, goes out with her friends to pubs, and comes home after midnight, drunk. She gets up & goes to work without fail. He never wants to go out, so I go out sometimes with my work colleagues, get battered. He disapproves. This happens 3 times a year. He wants to go to bed at 9pm. We never have sex. He was born old. He is 41. He is like this grumpy disapproving presence in the corner. Hates socialisng, even with friends. If someone comes round he hides from them. I am bored sensless & think I would be happier just me & the kids.

I don't much like the sound of him either.

Why do you and your daughter get drunk every time you go out (assume that's what you meant by 'battered'?)

Are you going to tell him you want a divorce then?

Also, is this just incompatibility or is there someone who's making you exaggerate your husband's faults?

AF!

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing? Why did you fall in love and marry him? Is there a possibility he's depressed- going to bed at 9pm and hiding from people reminded me of myself when I was depressed.
Have you explained to him how you feel?

Is he dd's dad? If so you had her very young. Have you outgrown each other maybe?

well, I don't !

Plus points? What positive things does he bring to the family? Anything?

Rename him Eeyore and move him out to a barn.

There is noone else. I am just looking at my life & wonder if this is all thats left. My daughter goes out most saturday nights, as young people do, and when I say to him thats normal, he says he never went out with his friends when he was young, and didnt have any real friends. I went out twice last year with my work friends. He finds the idea of going camping horrifying, because of the toilets, me & the kids are going on our own!!

He is a good dad, he puts them to bed & reads to them every night, and plays a big part in their lives, and interest in their schooling. I think I am a bit of a hippy at heart, and the kids are slightly feral because of this. In a fun way. He wont even go round the house without his shoes on, in case there is dog hairs.

I think I married him to escape a horrible homelife with my parents, and this has given me a wake up call!.

If your daughter is 23, any mismatch in parenting styles would have shown up long before now, because I'm guessing she has been going out with friends for a few years now?

If you 'settled' for someone who you thought was safe and would never hurt you - and he hasn't changed, then that's not his fault is it? You see yourself as a bohemian free spirit with a relaxed attitude to life and parenting and he sees himself as sensible, sober and measured about life. Neither of you is right or wrong, you're just ill-matched and have perhaps outgrown the things you thought you wanted in a partner and co-parent.

You could meet eachother half-way i.e. he comes camping, but either goes home at night or you find a campsite with clean loos, you agree a parenting style that means the kids are neither 'feral' nor dullards, you agree on tolerable hygiene standards at home, you go out as a couple to an event you'll both enjoy, he makes an effort to see friends and organise outings, you continue to see friends but moderate your drinking and you discuss what you both want as individuals from your sex life as a couple.

You could go to counselling to broker this, or do it yourselves.

Or you decide that neither of you is invested enough to change and that you're too long in the tooth to compromise, in which case you part with as little hard feeling as possible.

I was with you until you described your kids as feral. What do you mean?

Just trying to think of his point of view - it does sound as though you and the children side against him. That's a very lonely position for him to be in. He says he didn't have friends as a child - it doesn't sound as though he does now.

If you want to leave him, do so, but leave him enough respect for himself. He's not wrong to not want to get pissed, he's not wrong to want to go to bed early. He's different from you, not wrong.

He sounds insecure & rather depresed ,does he have any outside interests or a hobby? could you get him on MN to open up?

So you and dd tell him he is 'not normal' all the time?

He might be lonely miserable or
Even depressed. If he hasn't changed it's
Not exactly his fault is it?

Did he want the dogs or did you just get them? You generally dot just develop a dislike of dogs for no reason overnight...

I agree with others that it doesn't sound, from what you've written, as though there is anything wrong with his behaviour. You just have different approaches to life. How long have you been together? Have you always been incompatible or have you grown apart?

He is like this grumpy disapproving presence in the corner Can't you put a screen around him? Maybe cover him up at night like a parrot?

Seriously, exactly what Hatty said. You need to negotiate some middle ground that you can meet on that may inject some fun into his life and could, in turn, curb some of his grouchiness.

It seems to me that your dd's social life may be a factor in your dissatisfaction Are you wishing that your life was as carefree as hers?

If he's at home every night can you not get out more yourself, or can dd1 babysit during the week so that you and dh can go out for a meal or down the pub for a couple of hours - or maybe even simply walk the dogs together?

He sounds boring as hell!

No feriends, no social life, no sex, never goes out? I dont think this sounds like it is about 'differing approaches' .... He sounds very, urm, limited

is he my dh?(except dd is 11 and obviously doesnt drink)
agree with izzy about your dd

He also sounds a prime candidate for a midlife crisis.

Some people don't get around to living out their teenage years until later in life. He may start growing his hair into a pony tail, wearing flares and colourful shirts, and booking tickets for Glastonbury and numerous other gigs. Next thing you know, he'll have joined a commune or be travelling round the country in a convoy of VW campervans

You have possibly outgrown each other, and over the years as you have fallen out of love with him these points you pick on have become more noticeable, when in love we overlook them, when we don't actually like and respect the person we are with anymore we see all their bad points.

You have a choice to make do you live with these points do you care enough, or do you decide that no you actualy want a happy life and move on and tell him you want to seperate.

The choice as they say is yours.