Is this becoming an obsession?

[arabella2]

Didn't know what topic to put this one under. I've always been quite an obsessive person - from wanting to lose weight when I was a teenager to being convinced dh was going to meet someone else (or that he indeed had but wasn't telling me) when we were first together.
The hardest thing for me since the birth of ds (though it is getting easier) has been the enforced contact with both sides of the family. Of course we saw them before but I started to see my parents a lot more because of how often they came to see ds and the whole tone of family visits takes on the tone of an obligation. MIL has stayed here quite a lot as well... (at least I think so, maybe she doesn't). Now with another baby due at the end of March next year, I know all that is going to happen all over again and I am kind of dreading it. Until I have sorted out a thought in my head I do tend to think about it quite a lot or talk about it to certain people. This morning dh told me I had a screw loose and it was like talking to a drunk person... Basically yesterday I went for my 20 week scan with dh and ds and I do feel that this pregancy is different from the last in that I know what is coming in terms of contact with other members of the family all "staking their claim" on "my baby" (though I know they are also wanting to give the new baby love etc...) and in a way I feel like a receptacle for this baby which is going to belong to so many people. I was telling dh this morning that I kind of felt "owned" and that's when he told me I had a screw loose and he absolutely wasn't interested. I do kind of feel owned and trapped though, from having dh and ds at the scan (much as I love ds and wanted him to have a glimpse of his brother or sister). I think in some ways motherhood is quite lonely because you suddenly become second best in so many people's eyes. Eg. dh's sister who when she was speaking to dh on the phone from Germany would ask about me or to speak to me only asks about ds now, dh's elder sister who asked me when we when ds was coming to visit them (as he is not quite 2 I guess she meant us as well as a necessity), my parents who take 100s of photos of ds with each other, MIL who claims she loves her grandchildren more than her children and to me that feels like she is trying to claim "mother" love for my child when I truly don't see how that can be possible...
Feel free to tell me I am being nutty, I just feel that I have lost an independent free part of myself, and I don't know how to square things in my head in terms of my children being dh's and my children but also "belonging" to other people... does that in some way reduce or change my role?
Sorry if these sound like stupid questions but it would be nice to know how other people feel about these things...
Yours truly, the receptacle!

Was it you who posted about your in laws coming to stay?

I forgot to add, dh who gives ds a million kisses and I get none. Sorry to sound like such a jealous cow and in some ways I suppose I am, not of ds whom I love dearly and also kiss a lot, but of the whole thing of only being their to do my mothering job in the eyes of people, as a backdrop to the person they really want to see. Plus I find all the disagreements about care difficult to handle... ds was sick last night and had a bit of a runny poo this morning. He asked me for orange juice but I pretended we didn't have any and gave him water... now dh is giving him some because that's what he wants... I think it'll just irritate his stomach. How do you handle the myriad of care issues with your partners?

Sorry, there, not their.

Sorry Codswallop, missed your message. No it wasn't me who posted about in laws coming to stay, at least no recently.

Erm, well I happen to think that it helps to have as many people as possible to love and care for my child, and TBH I rather envy your situation with so many people involved - I have my mum really (who truly worships him) and that's it.
That's not to take away from your feelings though.

I never felt like a receptacle - but then I don't entirely feel that being a mother is what I am - it's a big, huge part, but not all. I am certain my mum loves my son as much as I do in that she would absolutely die for him in a heartbeat, but she also doesn't do the amount of care I do, and also I have no problem with it - maybe I'm the odd one! My mum can try to compete with me because she so wants ds to love her, which I suppose is a bit irritating sometimes, but mostly I stand back and let her entertain him while I do something for me (the non-mother me). I do feel other people have a claim on ds and so does he - yesterday he sat on his grandma's lap, and said, "I love you Grandma...' and then looked around the room at me and dh and said "and mummy and daddy..we all love each other' (though not quite that clearly and neatly expressed) and I quite literally felt tears in my eyes. It's hard to say this without sounding critical of you, which I am not, just thought it might interest you to read another perspective. My advice would be to try to disentangle your 'mother' persona from your own self, make a deliberate effort to involve others on your (reasonable!) terms and use their help to let you do things for yourself - a shopping trip, a facial, lunch with a friend - whatever makes you happy. When you feel they are helping you rather than just ds it can help, IME. I will think further because I think this is interesting.

Hello Aloha,
I really appreciate the fact that you often respond to my messages by the way.
My good side is very happy that ds has all these people, and that is the honest truth. I have issues with my parents but that is separate from their relationship with ds, also I think MIL is a lovely grandmother and admire her in lots of ways though there are moments of conflict sometimes.
I guess in some way I just want to be number one in ds's eyes along with his father. Would your ds equally go to you and your Mum if he was ill or would it be only you?
I know I have an important part to play in ds's life in terms of looking after him and helping him "set himself up" in the world and also leading my own life well so that he can see me getting on with my own life as well etc... I know I am by no means the only person in his life - he worships his Dad, loves his grandparents (especially my Dad and dh's Mum), and is a very sociable little character. I don't think I am thwarting that part of him at all other than we could probably go to dh's Mum's house a bit more (this summer she has spent a lot of time at our house instead which is why we have been there less).
He has lots of cousins on dh's side and I think that's lovely, especially as some are close to him in age.
Just sometimes I get a little hurt, eg. when dh's younger sister told ds (we were staying at MIL's) that it was her house and his house, ie. not mine, I just come along with the package... I know that that is in fact how it is, MIL is her mother and ds's grandmother... But what about me???? I suppose MIL and I have do have quite a good relationship and are friends mostly so though my role is not that of a blood relation I do definitely play a part to the whole set up...

I think Aloha's advice about finding a way in which your family and Dh's family can play a role in your son's life at the same time as helping you do something for yourself is very good (though not particularly well expressed my me...) It is lovely that he has so many people to love him and do different things with him, They are important relationships to him, but you and dh are the most special relationships he has, don't forget that. I wonder if it would help if you got to spend a little time just with your family ar your in-laws, without ds being there (he could be doing something else with dh?), so that they can show you again that they value you as a person, not just as a mother. Would that be possible you think?
I remember when dd was only a week old and MIL came to stay with us for a while, we went to M&S and she bought a bra, and she told the shop assistant: 'Oh, I think that's MY baby crying', I felt so annoyed to hear that, and don't like it when I feel she talks as if SHE were dd's mum, not me. Irrational, maybe, but it still hurts.
Don't know if any of this will help, I hope it does, Hugs to you.

I may be really out of order, but do you think it is at all possible that the issues with your own mum make you extra keen to be valued within a family? I get on very well with Dh's family, but know I wouldn't be there if it wasn't for him!!

agree with aloha
sorry arabella but I think you have a good supportive family on both sides that care about all of you and your son.
I for one would love to have that kind of support for my family. We get NADA, zilch.

As for the receptacle thing you are not a "rent a womb" or "generation provider".
Grandparents see grandchildren as kids they CAN HAND BACK. They get all the joy without all the rubbishy bits (most of the time)

Right arabella. I see where you are coming from completely, even though I have almost zilch family input, when they are there, I feel quite excluded and unimportant. I think it's important to separate what your children need from the way you feel - it is great for them to have family around them. I think the main issue is the way they make you feel. Your DH doesn't sound very supportive. Telling a pregnant woman you aren't interested in the way they feel is not on IMO. Perhaps this is illustrative of the subtext behind the relationship with his entire family. I don't feel that I fit in with DH's family at all and they often irritate me - they are just not my kind of people. I used to fret about it too, but now I just take a step back. I try to be welcoming when they come to stay, but I also take a back seat and do my own thing. I suppose I view them as temporary irritations. That may be easier for me because they don't have big personalities. If you feel crowded out around the post-natal period, there is nothing wrong with telling everyone you would rather be alone for a while. I did this with both my births. People didn't like it, but to me, it was the lesser of two evils. If you find it hard to force the issue, I would just take to your bed and let them all run around doing everything. TBH, I felt so strongly about this when my second son was born that I was prepared to move out and rent a holiday cottage for a fortnight if they hadn't given me some space. (BTW, they are the kind of relatives who sit back and make you wait on them, not the helpful sort).

I also think that when your children are older and start answering back, the novelty will wear off with the grandparents!

While the novelty is still full on, if I were you I'd take advantage of it and go shopping, to the gym, pictures, etc, sans child (ren). Perhaps if you step up the babysitting duties, they will get fed up faster and cool off a bit?

TBH, this resonates with me because before I met DH's sister I was excited and thought it meant that I would be getting a much longed for 'sister' of my own. She wasn't that interested in me though, so that was that. I think I had unreasonable expectations, because I value family greatly (having none), and she doesn't. She has a rather indifferent attitude, and now that I have come to terms with this and know that it's nothing personal, she no longer matters much to me at all. In fact, the fact that she is my sons' blood relative is a source of amazement, really.

It annoys me when family do this for the simple reason that I have to cope with dd through all the bad times (not that I mind) and so I feel like only someone who does that should be entitled to all the rewards, IFYSWIM. If they stayed up in the night with her, fed her even when they were feeling lousy, got worried sick when she showed any signs of being ill, had huge trouble over bfing etc, then they would be entitled to be mumsy like me.

Saying that, my family aren't too bad but my mum keeps accidentally calling herself mum when she's talking to dd but as long as she doesn't do that when dd is old enough to remember, then it's ok. Also, all of the family insist on pushing the pushchair while we're out and, as I'm quite young, it must look like their baby and I must just seem like the sister!

Arabella: plenty of perceptive thought, and commonsense advice below. It does sound as if it might be a good idea to think how all this comes across to your DH, to avoid any confrontation with him which will only serve to make you feel yet more insecure.

Can I be honest, in the spirit of complete support and sympathy for the feelings you are struggling with? You do sound quite sensitive and possibly 'high maintenance' in this respect, and as you acknowledge, you have a tendency towards jealousy of your DH which pre-dates parenthood. IME, it is hard work dealing with someone elses jealousy, and you can feel quite disempowered: however faithful and committed you feel, you are not trusted or taken at the face value of your true feelings. It is frustrating, and can feel rather insulting. (I'm not saying this is how your DH feels, but this is how I felt with a jealous partner).

I too find myself aggravated by the non-stop w/e long visits by my besotted (with DS) Mum, ("oh, hello darling, we thought we'd just pop down this w/e" with no thought that we might have PLANS) and worry about the imposition on my DP, whose own parents are a 17 hour plane ride away. But luckily he, like me, sees the tremendous pleasure DS gets from his Granny, and recognises that as the most important thing. Good luck...I do think it's normal to feel things very intensively whenpregnant to, so look after yourself.

arabella. At the risk of disagreeing with everyone else, I felt EXACTLY the same as you!! The ILs camped out on our doorstep every time we had a baby & we got the "pass the parcel" routine. I got really upset one day when DD was about 2 months old.. I'd been up all night with her, she screamed every time she looked at me & I was worn to a frazzle. She then spent an entire afternoon sitting on DHs grandma's lap gazing into her eyes.. only to resume her screaming when we took her home. I was very resentful that I never got chance to just sit & hold her like that.

MIL would ring and say "how's my baby?" & go out and buy the very outfit I'd told her I didn't want. She'd insist on seeing every set of photos I took of DD (then the boys too later) & demand an extra set, yet to this day she has never let me see ONE photo she took of mine when they were little. They would only ever take photos of either DD on her own, or else DD with one of them, not EVER with me, or with their own son. I felt at the time (however irrationally) that they were trying to pretend she was THEIR baby & edging me out. It didn't help that they had 3 DS who between them at that time had 3 DS and my DD was the first girl.. (& only, as it turned out... they have 7 gDS).

BF was my way of hanging on to my babies because they HAD to give them back & couldn't demand to have them overnight!

Droile, my ILs also sit & wait to be waited on & won't lift a finger..

Trouble is, now that mine are all teens I'm now concerned that I am going to end up with 3 DiL who will all decide they won't let me near their kids!

wobbyknicks, I call my mum 'mummy' to ds! It's a genuine slip of the tongue, so don't take that sort of thing personally. I don't want her to supplant me and I'm sure your mum doesn't want to supplant you - it's just that you both love this child to bits and I think it's great. I don't expet to be a sister to my SIL or a daughter to my MIL so I haven't been disappointed. I am ds's mum, no question, but he is also my mum's grandson, which is pretty important too. I never let anyone sit and not lift a finger - I leave them with ds and I tell them to put the kettle on - I really recommend it!

Difficult though, when people you don't have much of a relationship with (despite trying) descend on you 3 or 4 times a year. I find it quite a strain.

Arabella2, I can identify with some of what you say. My ILs were practically strangers to me when dd was born and they came for 10 days which they stretched to 3 weeks. Whilst here dh went to work every day and I was on my own with them and dd who was 2.5 weeks when they arrived. By the time they left I hated them and them me probably. MIL knew best and bf was getting in the way of her holding dd. She had her priorities which were cooking for my dh and her dh, holding the baby and talking non-stop about herself and her family. So when I was pregnant with ds I dreaded to impending visit. I told dh they could come for no longer than 1 week and he had to be here. They came for a long weekend and he took them out with dd to the Zoo etc. I can understand the recepticle comment because MIL made me feel like I had been the incubator but she was my dd's mum. She would boast to visitors how she had a way with dd and could stop her crying when I couldn't - a lie. She would say she looked like her family and if I said she has my a, b, c she would say quite dismissively that her family had that. DH and me have argued long and bitterly over how his parents spoilt that time for me and he has started to see how I feel - he and I met and married quickly and his parents must have thought he was their bachelor son forever. He would wait on them hand and foot and if was expected even after we married - in fact on our wedding day I drove myself and witnesses back to the reception and he drove them because his dad said he didn't know the way - it was a straight road. I was obsessed with his parents for about 3 years - really loathing them. I thought I need to reconcile and move on now as my dh and children have to have a relationship with them and somewhere along the line I must too. I will never ever like them but that are not important enough to ruin my marriage. In years to come they will be gone. I wish you lots of luck and hope you and your dh can come out of this stronger somehow - I think me and dh did.

Arabella 2, i too can see where you're coming from. Dp's family all live away and we have had his parents stay 3 times,one bother + wife 3 times, another brother once,another brother once.........he has a big family. Much as i like dd to see them it has caused arguments between dp and myself! I feel so selfish but i HATE having people stay, getting up in the morning...dd's routine being disrupted.......and have to admit, no privacy of my own!One brother stays every year for at least a week though with his wife and i have to say, they dont EVER give me opinions on my parenting.......mil to be does though occasionally! Though i think she wears rose tinted glasses of when her kids were small...luckily i get on with them all but it is stressful!