AIBU to expect DH to contribute to day to day running of the house even though he works?

[emeraldex]

My DH works and therefore feels he doesn't need to do anything around the house.
If I ask him to put his stuff in dishwasher (IE plate/knife/fork that he used to eat dinner with) I get rolling eyes/humf/snide comment. Sometimes e works long hours - I don't expect him to do anything when he leaves house at 7 and gets home at 930. But when he didn't need to leave house til 9 the other morning I asked him to unload dishwasher. He basically point blank refused?!
I am a SAHM but am looking after some children 3 afternoons and 2 am's per week and have interview for home/community based 10hr job next week and am also Chair of PSA at DS school. We have 10mth DD. So it's not like I don't do ANYTHiNG.
He has NEVER got up for the baby - who up until 2 nights ago has been v bad sleeper.

What happens in other families with dividing up chores/household stuff? AIBU to expect him to contribute? Excuse the long message...

of course he should contribute
does he spend a lot of time playing with the children instead?

When he is home he does play with DS but not constructive - it always makes him hyper and ALWAYS ends in tears. I appreciate boys need rough and tumble and stuff but he (DH) always goes too far. I try to suggest doing Lego/playing board games but DS isn't keen on doing that with Daddy.

It's like having another kid.

Whilst I do think that if he's out of the house regularly working 14.5 hour days and you're at home you should do the bulk of the house stuff, for him to refuse to even empty the dishwasher which takes only a couple of minutes, or put his plate in there is disgraceful. He sounds like an entitled twat who sees you as his skivvy.

Do you get the same amount of 'down time'?

You'll be just as tired as he is when he comes home from work. Of course he should help out. Did he share the jobs before you had children or has he always expected you to do everything?

He sounds vile and a bully as well - rough and tumble that goes too far and leaves your DS in tears? What a shitbag. He clearly thinks that you and DS are not really people, but objects that he owns.

Yanbu. He's basically working 5 x 10 hour days. But you are working 24/7.

I would be having a talk with him. FWIW my XP was like that and never bucked his ideas up, it's bloody demoralising being treated like a skivvy .

Down time?! No. He often has lie in at weekends, does his own thing in evening and makes it difficult if I want to go out - I rarely go out. In fact a friend is coming round tonight to watch movie with bottle of wine as he can't tell me when he is coming home from work?! He works on projects so has strict deadline hence why sometimes his hours are so long/strange.

He gets in a huff about putting something in the dishwasher? Man child. Ugh.

Well of course he should be contributing in some way. After all, housework is not the only thing you have to do. You're a SAHM which means you have many responsibilities (not only confined to the home, either).

It's funny how the working parent (and I speak from past experience) can automatically think that the house becomes the SAHP's "domain". My DP used to make a pretense of not wanting to interfere in my domain, although I think it was really just an excuse for laziness.

I'm not saying your DH doesn't work hard but he also needs to remember that it is his home and he needs to contribute to the practical stuff regularly, even if it's the odd unloading of a dishwasher.

If he was a single working man would he have anyone running around after him? Nope he'd have to do everything himself. A SAHM's 'job' is to look after the children and basic housework, you shouldn't have to run around after him and pick up clothes, put his plate in the dishwasher etc, he's not a toddler, I wouldn't even do that for teenage DCs.

Dp knows that if his clothes aren't in the washing basket, they don't get washed, I won't pick them up from the bedroom floor. He also loads the dishwasher after dinner most days and washes the pans etc that can't be put in the dishwasher. I don't expect him to do much around the house because he works hard, but he will do anything that I ask him to without grumbling. He does the gardening and DIY and the shopping (I don't drive and if we both went we'd have to take 4 kids with us).

Arse worms said it. Man Child
It's pathetic really but it's bringing me down so much and causing resentment on both sides. It's even having effect on sex life... That feels like yet another chore...
We got together when really young 17 and have been together for 10 years - only moved in together when 6mths preg with DS (5 now) he has never been good at domestic stuff - I'm no tidiness goddess but some things have to be done everyday.
I don't want to offend anyone but I feel like a single mum, except with financial support.

I was really heartened when I saw domestic support as a key emotional need (www.marriagebuilders.com). He needs to understand that it comes as part of the deal of LTR. you need to negotiate with him on this, try and encourage him to describe your day in his own words, you might uncover some very faulty assumptions about what he thinks you do all day, this might help him put himself in your shoes and understand what you need.

Thanks ladyM will look at that.

Not surprised that you feel sex is another chore. This man is behaving as though you exist to service him and that your wishes are totally irrelevant.
Men who do no domestic work generally get much less sex and certainly much less mutually enjoyable sex than those who do their fair share.

Jesus - my DH works long hours and he does loads at home, of course he does.

He gets up in the night to our boys, cooks, shares chores, everything that I do - when he is here of course.

Your husband sounds a knob, I couldn't have any respect for someone like that.

DH and I both work full time.

Since I joined MN and found out that if you are married, having a job means you don't have to lift a finger at home, neither of us do a thing.

It's great. There are takeaway boxes all over our filthy, scummy house, and our children are badly neglected.

But at least we are both getting what married people who work are entitled to - an existence devoid of any responsibility to our home or our children.

You should get a job too OP, then you could both be lazy, rude, irresponsible fuckers.

Oh, and he goes out all the time but makes it difficult for you to go out?

There's a big red flag hanging out of his arse that says... wait, it's fluttering in the breeze... it says C... is that a U?...

It says "cunt"!

Oh no, hang on, that's an O... no, it says "cont"... ahhh, " controlling bastard"... that makes more sense.

Athing that made me laugh outloud!
I think he is poorly "trained" - Doesn't it all start from their mothers not helping them to become independent and responsible adults?
I think in my heart of hearts I know that our relationship is over, but financially I don't know how I could survive. I have a small part time nanny job and am going for interview for another small part time job. (both where I can bring my children along - so no childcare costs involved.) We rent our house so wouldn't get any money from house sale.
We live in lovely neighbourhood where son attends local school, my family close by and lovely friends around.

Has anyone else had experience of separating from H with young children involved and little to no income? Should that be a new thread?

Blimey, OP, you poor thing.
I work full time, DH is at home parent.
I do all cooking, DH does all DIY/property maintenance, and we share everything else. I will often work a 14 hour day and still cook when I get home, having shopped on the way home. Any suggestion full-time work gets you out of any chores at home is just a crock of shit, especially where small children are involved.

One of my rellies is hugely high-powered (kind of job that gets you on the news) and still gets his kids' breakfast whenever he is not travelling, plus doing the garden, weekend childcare whenever he can etc.

SGB is right. What your DH is doing is not fair or reasonable. It's a state of mind, not a practical problem, and his mindset is pretty unattractive.

When he's in you just need to hand him the baby and go out and leave him to it.

he'll soon learn

Thanks Eldritch, its enlightening to see how other people manage to survive whilst still going to work!! I used to work 55 hours a week and do the childcare/cooking etc too. He finishes a project tonight and so we will see how it changes when he is not working [bconfused]