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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

facebook flirting. When is it ok?

21 replies

butwhatif · 20/01/2012 19:46

Firstly I'm sorry for another facebook thread. I usually role my eyes at these myself so I'm a little bit embarrassed to be posting one.

Probably should have put this in AIBU? but they can be mean and I'm not feeling up to it.

Yesterday I got home and went on fb, my Dh had left it logged in. there was a notification thing I went to click it off and accidently clicked messages and saw a brief message off some girl. So I then snooped. After 5 minutes looking through his and her fb I discover a pm where he says he misses her xxx, and another where she replies saying the same (hes been off work for a month). He apparently works with her but I dont know her so can only conclude that she started around the time he asked me to stop coming to his work. There is another message saying that a cuddle from the right person will cheer her up and then she asks when he's next in work. Snooped in phone too and email but nothing.

As you can see there is little evidence that there is anything more than flirting going on but I'm still upset over it over 24 hours later. Should I say something or am I being silly?

OP posts:

salmonskinroll · 20/01/2012 19:58

I don't even see that as friendly flirting to be honest. Someone saying they miss someone with kisses would be a huge red flag. I would definitely tell him what you saw

DesperateHousewife21 · 20/01/2012 20:04

Agree, think you should talk to him this would not be ok my book. Would make me feel sick actually.

AmberLeaf · 20/01/2012 20:15

Even if it is 'just' flirting its not on because hes married to you

inatrance · 20/01/2012 20:18

That is so NOT innocent I'd go mad if I found that!

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:38

I would be Livid.
It probably is innocent but that doesn't make it right. If there is someone at work he is becoming good friends with he should mention them to you at some point. How would he react if it was you telling another bloke you miss them?

He sounds like he needs kicking up the backside and reminding who he's married to !

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 20/01/2012 20:42

I would be very Unhappy! I dont see any innocent explanation. I would be certainly asking lots of questions. Must be horrible for you.

Bogeyface · 20/01/2012 20:58

To answer your OP, flirting on FB is ok if you are single or your partner knows and fully agrees to it. Anything other than that is a no no.

And this isnt flirting, this is him paving the way for the affair he will be having very soon. sorry :(

mojitomania · 20/01/2012 21:29

I go with what everyone else has been saying OP. What he is doing is definitely NOT ok. I'd call him on it the minute he was in my vicinity, you have the proof in black and white and yes, I also think an affair is imminent.

Bastard!

Original poster

butwhatif · 20/01/2012 21:59

Confronted him on it. Brief discussion. He made out I was overreacting and he was just being friendly. Said he couldn't believe how I was being but he wouldn't talk to her anymore....

:( idk... I don't feel better for talking to him.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 20/01/2012 22:38

What a shithead, you were not over reacting at all.

Dont let him twist it back on you and how unreasonable you are being.

He's taking the piss.

Bogeyface · 20/01/2012 22:46

According to him.....
I was paranoid.
I was invading his privacy.
I was looking for things to be pissed off about
I was blaming him for the fact that our marriage wasnt doing very well
I was nagging
I was being a bitch.

Turns out that I was none of the above.

He was having an affair.

stargazy · 20/01/2012 22:48

You were absolutely right to be concerned.Massive red flags fom his behaviour and I hope now he knows you know he does the right thing and backs off from this'friendship'with her and is open and honest and gives you lots of reassurance.least he should be doing.Almost 2 yrs ago my DH let OW at work who started out as passing acquaintance get too close.just before I found out thro her partner looking at phone their texts had become sexually explicit.
I was devastated.He was horrified at the damage it caused all round.
Was glad he got found out and did all he could to win my trust back(sadly don't think I will ever fully trust him the same tbh)
I was never a jeleaous or paranoid type and if eg. my sociable and outgoing DH was a bit flirty and enjoyed a bit of banter with female friends at parties etc never felt threatened as we had such a great relationship anyway and I trusted him to know the boundaries.
Sadly a mini mid life crisis,a very persistent OW who sent masses more texts and told him she loved him and most importantly I think the addictive nature and ease of secrecy with texts/Facebook proved too irresistible.But decided to forgive and move on, but only because he never minimised the seriousness of his disloyalty.
You say youv'e had a brief discussion but tbh I'd want some serious long discussions all around the area of respect and loyalty.Would he take kindly to you face booking someone this way?We even went to counselling - his idea -and was really helpful.Best of luck and painful as it is I hope like me you've found out before a full affair got under way x

salmonskinroll · 21/01/2012 08:50

If you don't feel any better after that talk, you need to do it again and make sure he knows you are very serious and he can't just wiggle out of it

Original poster

butwhatif · 23/01/2012 12:22

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate the time and you made me feel a lot less silly about being concerned about it. We had another chat about it the next morning and he assured me it was just silliness that he didn't expect to upset me although he maintained he had nothing to hide and had made no attempt to hide anything. Took him a while to acknowledge that I was not unjustified in being upset. She apparently doesn't work with him anymore anyway but they maintain mutual friends.

There was nothing he could have said to make everything ok but I feel better that he tried. I'm sure he knows where he and I stand on this issue. He insists that he would never do anything to mess up what he has with us so only time will tell.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 23/01/2012 12:35

Sorry OP but if he didn't admit that this was intentional flirting that he was getting a kick out of, it's bad news. I don't think this friendship will stop at all, I think he'll just start hiding it.

TooEasilyTempted · 23/01/2012 12:53

he couldn't believe how I was being but he wouldn't talk to her anymore

Ah the classic putting it back onto you... You're unreasonable for being upset.

He's telling another woman he "misses her xxx". If he had nothing to hide and made no attempt at hiding it, then why not just write it on her FB wall where you/her partner? or mutual friends could see it, why via private messages?

Now that you've accepted his explanation he will may well stop all contact with her. I hope he does.

On the other hand you've fired a warning shot and he may just be more careful about deleting messages, not leaving FB logged in, etc.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2012 12:58

If it isn't ok for your partner to read it, then it isn't ok

I am sorry love, I expect a lot of your previous trust in him has shrivelled away. What a shame. What a stupid man. I wonder if he thinks his little flirtation was worth it ?

TheRhubarb · 23/01/2012 13:05

Oh dear.

Let me ask you this OP, if you were reading this as a third person would you do the eye-rolling? What would you honestly think?

He has been privately messaging a girl from work - that is not attempting to hide something? If he had nothing to hide, why not just write on each others walls? Why the privacy?

He asked you to stop going to his work. Why? Because she would be there? Again it makes you think he had something to hide.

The messages include one about getting a hug from the right person, which is obviously him. So they hug already? Where, in front of everyone? Because there is nothing going on?

If I were you, I would surprise him one day at work and use the opportunity to see if she really has left or is still there. I'd also be tempted to talk to some of his work colleagues, innocently mentioning her name to see what their reaction is, because gossip gets around and if they are an item, someone will know.

His defence is to say that you are exaggerating everything and making a mountain out of a molehill. Your reply to that is to ask him how he would feel if you started sending private facebook messages to a man asking for hugs. And since he has nothing to hide, then he won't mind sharing his facebook password with you then, will he? Just to indulge your paranoia of course ....

Harmless flirting my arse. If I discovered these flirty secret messages I'd be livid.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2012 13:09

spot on, Rhub

Original poster

butwhatif · 23/01/2012 14:15

The hug comment was on her wall where her partner could see it but ofc not where I could see it as she isn't on my friends list. The "miss you xxx" was in pm only.

I hate to admit this, even to myself but I have no intention of forgiving and forgetting just yet. He is currently not working as he has had an accident which prevents him getting to and doing a day's work. So he is at home with our baby until he's fixed, could be a few months. I have his password for facebook and e-mail, and since his mobile contract is in my name I have easy access to that too.

I know exactly what I would think if I were a third person reading this, firstly I'd probably think that my DH would never do that and secondly that he is definitely up to no good. This is probably why this has hurt me so much. I intend to pop in while "in the area" when he returns to work and be a little unpredictable on my return home from work time for now.

OP posts:

TheRhubarb · 23/01/2012 14:34

Also, start talking about male colleagues who have messaged you, see how he likes it.
She may well have been trying to get her husband jealous or proving a point, but the way your husband went along with it shows that he was willing to be part of her game. You don't put kisses on messages of platonic friends unless they are of the same sex. Kisses are a term of endearment and the whole "miss you" thing, well that could just be her trying to move things on with your dh. How long ago were the messages?

Only you know your dh and only you can analyse how he reacted when you confronted him. But don't let him bully you into thinking that you are over-reacting. You aren't. And two can play at that game.

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