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Relationships

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Original poster

am i being a selfish cow?

17 replies

robina63 · 20/01/2012 15:25

Have been with my boyfriend for nearly three years, love him to bits even though he cant commit to spending weekend away with me as he has a young daughter who he coparents, and he has her most weekends as well as 2 nights in the week. His daughter is lovely ? we get on well. And he is a fantastic fully committed dad.

I have my own home not far from his and a flatmate and am happy with this set up. He has to move out of his apartment as its now to small for him and his daughter and he would like us to live together. I feel I should ask my flatmate to leave and to invite boyfriend and daughter to live with me ? but if im totally honest - I don?t want to. I?m happy with the way things are. I find the relationship dynamics really exhausting and upsetting at times as his ex can be quite demanding and I have to bite my tongue quite a lot. He doesnt like to upset his ex so will do what she wants and I sometimes feel I suffocate my needs so as not to rock the boat. My consolation is that I have my own home and that I can go home and shut the door and escape from all the chaos sometimes.

They often stay at mine but I sometimes feel bit of an ogre as I don?t always agree that his daughter can run riot in my home. She?s great ? she?s a kid - but at his house she calls the shots and I wont let that happen at my home. Its my castle! (I sound like a brat!) And I can sometime feel myself grimacing when she is charging around, going down my things and being a little bit demanding. Which her dad encourages as he says he wants a feisty kid rather than a quiet well behaved one. Fair enough ? but I think he should have a few boundaries? I sound horrid but that?s how I feel! I would like a child of my own at some point so think if there is to be a future in this relationship I should just suck it all up rather than running away to my own little sanctuary and shutting the door? I feel like im not being fair to him or his daughter as I don?t feel fully ready to commit to being a ?step parent? of sorts as there are still things I want to see and do and im not quite ready to compromise and settle down to full on family life.

Am concerned that if they were to move in with me and I didn?t like it ? I would find it incredibly difficult to ask them to leave ? and probably would end up moving out myself and letting them have the house!

The alternative is that he finds a place to rent and I move in with them ? but again I don?t want to. Im happy as I am.

Do we have to live together right now if there is to be a future? Am I setting myself up for a lot of heartache - shouldnt i be plunging in there if im serious about having a child of my own with him at some point.

Am interested in peoples thoughts.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 20/01/2012 15:32

What age are you? I only ask because it could be relevant.

oldwomaninashoe · 20/01/2012 15:40

Do you own or rent?
I would get a seperate place together and get your flatmate another person to share so you have the option of returning if necessary.

Original poster

robina63 · 20/01/2012 15:41

nearly 38...and my biological clock is ticking quite loudly..which has been amplified because of being in a relationship with someone with a child....i think sometimes im sort of torturing myself with staying in the relationship as im investing time in a situation that im not entirely 100% comfortable with - but then i suppose there is never an ideal situation? My partner didnt want children when we first met but changed his mind when he realised it was important for me to be have options....

OP posts:

CailinDana · 20/01/2012 15:43

Hmm. From your post it sounds to me like you and your partner don't really see eye to eye the way two people planning to have children should. You don't seem hugely interested. You've been going out for quite a long time and at this stage you should be fairly clear on how you feel about living with him. The fact that you're unsure suggests to me that it's not a good idea.

Xales · 20/01/2012 15:44

I would say if you are having any doubts or not wanting to do it. Don't do it.

There is nothing wrong with continuing the way you are.

If you move in with him and it doesn't work you have the hassle of moving out and starting again. You seem to think you would do this even if he moved in with you!

You could of course sit down and discuss all this. See if you can agree rules and boundaries for his DD now and for any future child you have.

Also agree responsiblities and what happens if you separate with or without your own child!

You sound like you will always be second to his ex. What about when you have your own child? There is a difference between being agreeable and letting your current partner (and subsequent children) pick up all the crap and shit just to keep the ex happy.

I personally would find it hard to have and bring up my own child with boundaries if another one was part of the family and didn't have any. I would also find it hard to have a child and bring it up with a partner who has such a different parenting style to mine. It sounds like you would always be the nagging 'bad cop' parent while they can do anything they like for him.

PS where is your current flat mate to go? Seems a little mean asking them to leave what sounds a good set up.

NatashaBee · 20/01/2012 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wilkos · 20/01/2012 16:00

you don't want to live with him, don't like his daughter, don't like the way he parents his daughter, not keen on his dealing with the ex either

you do realise if you have a child with this man all these things will be a part of your life forever, don't you?

and his dd will be your childs half sibling?

you sound crazy to think this will work out

izzyswinterwarmer · 20/01/2012 16:07

IMO you are not being at all selfish in having things on your checklist that you want to accomplish before you give any consideration to a live-in relationship with your dp, or any other man for that matter.

It may be that your dp is failing to set boundaries for his dd because he wants to be perceived as the 'fun' parent or to compensate for the fact that he ended his relationshp with her dm, but the way in which his parenting style differs from your view of raising dc is an issue that you should seek to resolve prior to settling down 'to full on family life' if you intend to ttc with him.

As two friends of mine have recently given birth without ivf at the ages of 43 and 45yrs, I suggest you reset your ticking clock and continue to live as you choose as compromising your present lifestyle may lead to a deep reservoir of resentment if any adjustment to living with your dp fails to recognise your needs.

Presumably he found the accomodation he is currently living in and he'll be able to find a more spacious home with or without your help?

mojitomania · 20/01/2012 16:09

There's a saying, if in doubt don't.

Sounds like this could be the beginning of the end going by your OP.

Be careful not to string him along though, sit down and have a very honest chat with him.

Proudnscary · 20/01/2012 16:14

Not only do I think it would be a big mistake for you to move in with them in any scenario - it would be irresponsible because there is a child involved who would most likely be uprooted twice.

I understand that you want this to work because your clock is ticking - I really do - but this isn't the answer. In your heart of hearts you do not want to live with this child - if you disagree with his fundamental parenting beliefs and values then that's a recipe for future disaster.

Original poster

robina63 · 20/01/2012 16:27

please dont think i dont love his daughter - i do, we have bonded and she is very affectionate towards me and i to her....its just that im worried as im not 100% sure - its not fair as i dont want to submerge too deeply only to then have regrets, and have to break up from two people. Perhaps ive overthought too much, i dont know..i just never saw myself falling for someone with a child and and significant ex to think about. I didnt see this coming and its not my ideal situation and thats why i distance myself..

OP posts:

izzyswinterwarmer · 20/01/2012 16:32

If it doesn't feel 'right', don't do it - and when it comes to taking on a child that you haven't given birth to, you can't overthink too much.

In a year or so you may feel differently and I strongly urge you to wait because if it wasn't for him needing more space, I doubt that you'd be considering letting him move in with you at the present time.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 21/01/2012 11:57

You are NOT being selfish! Selfish would be moving in together and then trying to change things. Until you can accept things the way they are, and would stay as you are. Good Luck xx

BlackCatsAndPurpleDogs · 21/01/2012 12:06

Nope, you are def NOT being selfish - HE is. letting his dd run riot through your house is rude, especially when you are host and they are staying over. He cannot ride roughshod over other peoples homes, lives, feelings just so she can express herself!
Surely if you were at the living together stage, this would include you being freely able to guide the dd when you feel her behaviour out of order.
Anyway, if yours and his ideas differ vastly, which they seem to, it wont work. Most people want well behaved kids with boundaries, he is the odd one out and you will end up with conflict!

garlicfrother · 21/01/2012 13:48

You're not being a brat, you're being honest. It really doesn't sound like this relationship is the right one for you and I would caution you against "trying to make it work" for fear of being single.

There's nothing to stop you being a family while living separately. It doesn't sound, though, as if this would be acceptable to your partner. I'm afraid I feel you should let him go with love, then set about finding someone whose ideas are compatible with your own.

I know this will hurt, and I'm sorry for all three of you, but it'll hurt worse if you keep on trying to ram a square peg into a round hole, as it were.

kodachrome · 21/01/2012 14:30

I don't think you're being selfish. If you're not ready to be a step-parent you'd be doing everyone a disservice by going ahead.

The main driver behind this potential moving in together is convenience rather than desire to do it on your part, so fgs don't do it. If it doesn't feel right the best idea is actually to stick as you are. Possibly reassess whether this is the right relationship for you, but don't that lead you into forcing yourself on deeper when you have such misgivings.

There are alternative ways of living than the conventional moving in together.

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2012 15:01

God, no, I wouldn't live with them! You have a nice life now and you risk losing everything.

I wouldn't want a child with someone who thinks 'feisty' means being able to do whatever you want, either. He should be teaching her to respect your home. Actually, she should know that anyway, because she should have learned from example. Her mother sounds a nightmare and if you live with this man her involvement and resentment will be greater.

If I were you, I'd get out whilst you can. Also, just wondering - it's funny that he wants to live with you now he's in difficulty, isn't it? He didn't before, did he?

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