Things falling apart slowly? Don't know.

[Eyjafjallajokull]

I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment and I need a few wise words. Sorry for the length.

DH and I have been together for 21 years, broadly without ups and downs but with some sadnesses like illness and a bit of grief. I would have said we were rock solid but something in me has changed over the past month or so.

I have a few problems with his family, his mother and sister mainly. They are not particularly nice people, vain and only interested in things which will impress others in some way. Over the past couple of years it's been clear I don't fall into that category (I am fine with this personally!) though they would never say anything: they simply never do. I found myself over Christmas feeling - for the first time - intensely bored by their company. (I suppose I accepted for the first time that I would never be like them, so I 'detached' a bit.) I felt that once their vanity was discounted, there was nothing there.

DH isn't like them, but I find I'm struggling to say what he is like. He works hard and he's funny and kind and he's tried so hard at home to do good things. But he doesn't seem that interested in me either. If we're out, he never talks to me and rarely tells people about me, what I'm doing. Over the past five years or so he's lost his social life, partly to do with changes at work but he makes no effort to have one. It's like he goes to work, has a laugh there, finds fulfilment, and then comes home to us and when he's home, he's home, he's switched off. We have no family social life like we used to - he just can't be bothered inviting people round and if he does, he's quite quiet and shy: not at all like he was when we met. He's done things like ignore his nephew's recent 1st birthday and then get shirty when I ask him if he's going to call his sister. He needed a tool he couldn't find and I suggested calling a friend to ask if he had one - bad idea. He'd never tell me if I asked him what was wrong. It's as if I've nagged him.

I feel like as a family, we are incredibly boring, off the radar in some way. As a person, I'm not the life and soul, but I always liked myself fine until recently. I have friends and some long-standing ones too. Now I start to wonder but I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. I can't decide if I'm dreary, if dh and I have just run out of interest in each other, if family life has just got us into a rut.

Sorry, that's all rather nebulous. I know someone will suggest he's having an affair but I've looked for signs and I really, truly don't think he is (and it wouldn't explain getting annoyed at me asking if he's rung his sister...).

I guess the only thing I can say is the old classic... The only person you can change is yourself.

If you want more of a social life, get one, your hubbie may not join in but you can enjoy it yourself. If you in laws are vain, shallow people, then do the minimum but don't take it personally (my inlaws have never asked me a question about my life in 10 years).

If you want more of a place to explore your uneasiness more go and get some decent counselling or psychotherapy. You don't need a big reason to go, it can just be a good place to get to know yourself better.

I separated from my DH finally in November of last year. When I look back I think that there was a long period of our relationship becoming what I can only describe as deadened. I felt kind of flat. He took very little interest in other people or in me. If I'm honest I'm not sure I felt too interested in him any more. His family are fine, but he wasn't all that bothered. He was always great with the kids and helpful, just kind of emotionally absent. It's been really hard to put my fingers on what's been wrong. I began to rely on my friendships to feel emotionally alive and eventually it came to a head when I developed feelings for someone else (he's not free) and realised how long these parts of me had been suppressed. Although I can kind of understand how it happened, I feel some shock and shame about that. I realise that I need intimacy and connection and I hope there's more to life. I would hate to think that my kids would stay in a relationship that felt as stale as mine was feeling. It's still early days and I feel the pain of separation, but I feel more alive and people comment on how well I look.

When we separated I have felt a lot of grief and shock, but he has just moved on. In one way I'm grateful because it is extremely amicable for the kids and we actually get on a lot better as friends. But it also illustrates to me why I felt so lonely whilst we were together. My kids (6 and 7) are very happy (maybe happier) and it feels like a more honest situation. We both decided we didn't want to find ourselves in this position 10 years down the line.

I don't know what your situation will bring. When I look back I wonder if I could have invested more in the relationship with DH and gone away for weekends or something. I'm not sure it would work for us. I suppose I really recognise your experience of not quite being able to put your finger on what is wrong, but knowing something is. I hope it helps to know you're not the only one.

It does help. He has always been quite emotionally 'distant', so perhaps nothing has really changed there. I get very unsettled when I'm ignored. I don't want to be the centre of attention, I'm not a diva, but I cannot live without even a grunt if I say something.
Anyway a good thing is that he has talked to me about things not being right. He's not able to really talk in detail, but he's noticed and come up with ideas for us and he's sad too. I feel much less alone. Yesterday was a really low day and today's a bit better.
Thanks both for the replies.

I'm glad it feels easier. I hope it all goes well for you and you get what you need to be happy.