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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why doesn't DP like me doing things for him?

6 replies

piellabakewell · 20/01/2012 07:12

We have a loving, harmonious relationship more than 99% of the time. The times that have been difficult have mostly related to me doing a favour for him eg last night he went out with guys from work, we agreed that he would come back to my place afterwards (it's our usual night together as DD is at her dad's). He phoned and I offered to pick him up from the tube station as it's a 15 min walk. I picked him up about 10.45 and before we had even got home he was cross with me. The trigger was him asking me had I been for a run and I said no, I wouldn't go two nights in a row but that we could run together tonight as he wouldn't be late home.

He said that I give with one hand and take away with the other. I was not implying that I had a problem with him going out last night, we had discussed it and I encouraged him to go. However, that's how it seemed to him.

I felt that he was almost looking for a sign that I minded, he says he doesn't like asking me for anything as I seem to do it grudgingly at times.

We are both survivors of emotionally abusive relationships and are otherwise extremely happy together. I suspect this issue is more about how he feels than what I said. I'd really like to get to the root of this so we can get past it. It doesn't help that we are always at my home unless we go away for the weekend together; he shares a house on a company let and no female guests are allowed there. We would love to get a place together but it isn't possible just now.

OP posts:
something2say · 20/01/2012 07:24

I'd just keep on talking to be honest. If you both have baggage, things can go wrong sometimes. Keep a sense of humour and the lines of comms open. But I'd not have said we could go running together. Thats like you putting your life on hold for him, and he knows it and resents being your life (on that occasion.)

babyhammock · 20/01/2012 07:26

So what was his problem, that you said he could go for a run with you tonight??????? and that meant somehow you were making him 'pay' or that he would at least be home early tonight?
If he does that kind of thing alot, he sounds like really hard work. I can't stand people looking for something and nothing to be pissed off about.

Having to walk on eggshells is never good x

JustHecate · 20/01/2012 07:29

"We are both survivors of emotionally abusive relationships"

That'll be it. He's waiting for the dig and so he sees it. He can't believe there's not a subtext, an undercurrent.

CailinDana · 20/01/2012 09:40

I think you should sit him down and say "I know you can't believe that I want to do nice things for you, but I do, it's a fact. I will tell you if I'm not happy about something, please believe me. In future if you doubt my motives you need to keep it to yourself. You not trusting me to be nice is your problem - have your doubts, mull them over, and talk to me later if you're still not sure, but don't attack me, or get angry at me, it's not fair. You were hurt before, I understand that, but don't let it ruin what we have now."

piellabakewell · 20/01/2012 16:37

Cailin, I think that's what I will do...something along those lines. He kissed me goodbye this morning and said 'have a good day' so everything seemed normal...but I had been awake since 4.45 worrying about this (he left at 5.50). I know he slept better than I did.

As for 'walking on eggshells'...been there, done that, and so has he, and we are not going there again. We can talk about anything, but haven't had the opportunity to deal with this yet. I think he may get defensive if I say I felt like he expected me to mind that he had gone out and that I had made a 3 miles round trip late at night to pick him up from the station. When he got in the car, the first thing he said was how much he loved me. I have said to him before that I might be tempted to say nothing to avoid dealing with an issue, but he urged me not to do that and we agreed that we love each other too much to let things fester.

When he comes round tonight he will know straight away that things aren't right as he can read me like a book. I will say that I am upset that he was so quick to think so little of me, even though he knows how much I love him. Then we'll see where it goes from there...

OP posts:
spenditwisely · 20/01/2012 17:04

When he says he is a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship, what happened - was it his parent or was it his partner - if it was his partner did she ever accuse him of abuse?

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