DH is depressing me so much I've self-harmed

[backtodarkagain]

I'm namechanging, as I'm a regular on a sensitive thread, and don't want to mix it with this problem.

We had a tragedy nearly three weeks ago, and that may be part of the problem, but whatever it is getting me so down.

We have problems surrounding sex - I want it, he seems to avoid it.

When pregnant for the second time, we didn't have sex much, though I pleasured him.

We then couldn't have sex immediately following the tragedy, though I desperately craved the closeness & intimacy... when we were given the go ahead we did have sex, and it was great.

A couple of weeks later the sex dried up again. I tried to change to make him want me, I had my hair done, bought underwear that he told me he found arousing, always showered, polished, shaved & put on lotion & perfume...

Still he didn't really want me. He'd try, he'd stay hard, but say that he wouldn't be able to come, and push me away... I'm afraid that my reaction to this was anger. Not physical anger, but intense frustration, that I expressed verbally... I felt so unattractive, so unwanted, so unloved, so sexually frustrated, and so, so distant.

He even downloaded some porn, we watched it together, then he put on Traffic Cops, and after that went out to have a fag, leaving me to go to bed (we have a toddler who I have to get up early for).

I came on last week, so he's been all cuddly - convenient as he won't have sex if I'm on.

Last night he suggested that we both bath after DD1 went to bed. So we did, me first, paying special attention to making sure I was super smooth, smelling nice etc.. then him. Then he got in a mood. He'd looked through my old tweets (from 2 years ago), when I moaned about him going on holiday alone, when I was heavily pregnant, and again when DD1 was a baby.

This 'mood' meant I went to bed alone. He then came up, and ignored me. I lost it, and scratched my arm with a needle...

I tried in vain to get him to understand how humiliated I feel. I desperately want to feel close to him, to be wanted... yet he doesn't seem to want me.

He then told me that my craziness wasn't attractive, and I can't expect a shag when I go crazy - yet I can't help thinking he engineered this, getting in a mood, so he could turn me down, get me het up, then blame it on me...

I'm so unhappy I can't begin to express it. It's not just about the sex, it's the intimacy, the being desired by someone. And he just doesn't make me feel wanted.

I'm honestly at such a low point, hopelessly so. I'm not young anymore, I have baby body (having had our last DC less than 3 months ago). I feel that I must be so ugly, and that he secretly longs for a woman who looks like a porn star, and one that can deliver a living baby.

I'm so bloody depressed right now. I feel he's cruel to deliberately suggest sex, then to go and 'be in a mood', so that he has an excuse not to deliver.

What's worse is he then looked through my private messages in facebook (by grabbing my laptop), where I told my mum how unhappy he was making me.

He is using sex as a weapon to emotionally abuse you. As well as emotionally abusing you in other ways.
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost a child.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT xx

He is using it as a means of control.

So sorry for your humiliation and pain.

You are asking him for something (closeness, intimacy) which he will not give. It could be that he CAN'T give it.

Reach out to your Mum, your friends, for the comfort you are looking for. Back off from him, and leave him alone.

Say some sayings when you are getting wound up (I am a good person/your behaviour does not determine my worth) they are self-comfort things.

So OP demands sex otherwise she self-harms, and he is the controlling, emotionally abusive one?!

I think you need to talk to each other, perhaps in front of a counsellor if need be.

If you've recently been bereaved (tragedy?) then perhaps counseling is what you really need, either together or on your own. It sounds as if your dh is having some sexual dysfunction problems at the moment, and if you are getting angry as a result it probably isn't too surprising that he is avoiding initiating sex now. I know that not having sex can feel like a total rejection, and I am sympathetic to the hurt, but you aren't going to resolve it unless you both communicate about what is wrong and how you together can fix it. It's very very easy to get into a downward spiral I think with this sort of issue and you may end up hating each other.

This is of course assuming that your relationship is otherwise fine. If he is cuddly when he thinks you won't initiate sex then it doesn't sound like an intimacy issue, but a sexual problem, and he may have as strong feelings about the reasons why as you do.

It honestly sounds more of a case of post natal depression, the statement "give birth to a living child" im guessing still born? Going throu something like that is a horrible experience i could only imagine how hard it would have been. My opionion is that ur PND could be making everything seem worse. One thing thou please do not harm urself it doesnt fix anything !! Go to a theropist they are great i have been to theropists mulitipul times for certian situations in my life and they really do help they are trained to help you. One last thing dont ever think you not attractive specially so soon after pregnancy!!

I have no clue on these things and am assuming things from your op but as he is cuddly when you cannot have sex it seems that sex is the problem, not you.
I am making an assumption that you had a still born which must have been traumatising for you both - is he concerned about putting you and him through that again, hence not wanting to have sex?

I would suggest that you seek councilling - either alone or as a couple. Getting over losing a baby must be the hardest thing to do.

Was going to say what liliana said. Might be he's scared of you getting pregnant again

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby I can imagine you want to be close to your husband right now.

Something you said stands out to me. You think he wants a woman who can deliver a living baby. It sounds to me like you feel a failure and are looking to him for reassurance that he doesn't feel the same way as you do. I think the issue is much deeper than sex and the self harming is about those feelings rather than the lack of sex.

If its only been three weeks, you will both be grieving. I would suggest going for bereavement counselling together and talking to your husband. Telling him exactly how you are feeling. It does sound like he doesn't want to have sex but there could be many reasons. Perhaps he is scared of pregnancy yes. The only way you are going to know is by talking. At a time like just now when you should both be pulling together, it sounds like you are both just hurting each other in things that you are both saying and doing. Counselling could help.

you ahd a tragedy three weeks ago
this is the crux - you both need help dealing with this - both individually and together. people deal with grief in different ways - these are not "wrong" but you may both ened help for this

please talk to your GP about wanting to self harm and ask for urgent counselling referral.