No social contact Vs. seeing family members that make me ill

[happyeverafterhome]

Its 6 months since my sisters husband told her their 20 yr marriage was over. She moved out, and in with my Mum. My sisters' marriage was to a very controlling and emotionally abusive man - but "she still loves him". I try to be supportive, mostly by listening, but after (as is regularly the case) 4hrs of her talking about how awful her life is, without pausing to ask how I am, I get home and spend time on the bog with an upset tummy -its happening over and over again, so I think it must be something to do with spending time listening to my sister. I am in a remote/ rural area and am a bit "socially isolated" with a new baby, so my family are pretty much the only social contact I get. Sister / Mum never offer to help out with our beautiful but exhausting baby, even when asked. So, my choice is have some adult company and buy andrex in bulk; or no company, and feel lonely. What to do?

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, I think that you need to set boundaries with your sister and tell her - I can listen to you, but if you are not interested in hearing solutions then I can only listen for 1 hour, or whatever you deem is acceptable to you. I think you have to stand up for yourself here, it is obviously making you unwell. I was going to answer in an unconventional way and tell you to 'shield' your energies by imagining a beautiful pink light surrounding your whole body - before you come into any kind of contact with your sister, and see how you feel after doing this. This is what I have to do, as people with 'toxic' or energy draining tendencies really do have an effect on our bodies (as you have picked up on). Anyway, another idea is for you to check out Dr Judith Orloff - who has many articles on her website for dealing with what you are. I hope it gets better for you xx Happy new baby xx

I think you need to branch out a bit and be so dependent on your family for a social life.

Go to the library which will be full of info on clubs and meetups and playgroups and try and make some new friends of your own.

We moved to the area we are now in 5 years ago and we knew NOBODY! I had 2 young children and my first port of call was the library. Still have the friends I first met that day. You just need to take the first step.

Tis a horrible situation with your sister but maybe you need to jump into the convo with 'ooh let me tell you this................>...................'

and NOT be so dependent on your family for a social life.

Good advice from the peeps.

I would also encourage your sister to get counselling, for her own sake se needs to process her pain and a counsellor will help to do that for her.

And I think you should encourage her to leave your mum's house - she will remain childlike whilst she's there.

It sounds like supporting your sister is causing you to have anxiety - my DH has this symptom when he has a particular hospital appointment he finds very distressing.

You have a lot of stress to deal with and your family aren't helping. I'm sorry, but after six months there's no way I would be listening to 4 hour conversations about the ex regularly (understandable at intervals). Does anything move on in these conversations or is it essentially the same litany of woes over and over again?

Ironically given you live out in the sticks, it sounds like what you need is some metaphorical fresh air - how about some 'you' time just to chill out, are you getting some peace at the weekends when your DH is at home?

thanks for all your kind words everyone - I felt I was being unsympathetic to my sister but seems not. I'll be more pro active with nurturing non family friends - perhaps I need to 'fess up to feeling isolated - feels like a failure to admit to that- "Johnny no mates" etc. To answer your questions, yes the conversation is pretty much the same every time I see my sister; she has declined counselling - it has been suggested; she has been offered gratis housing but has declined - preferring to stay with Mum. Mums degenerative illness has got worse since my sister moved in, but sister thinks this is not related to her presence. I've not told her about my symptoms which turn up after seeing her. I'd love even an hour or two's "me time" tribpot - did manage that on Monday evening and certainly worth repeating. Thanks again everyone xx