DH depressed, I've had enough

[HeatherMoor]

I've told him to go away for the weekend so we can have a break from him and he from us.

He's been depressed for around 2 years now - on ad's from GP nearly 1 year. He spent most of 2011 on sick leave. Back in work part time, again, for now.

His personality has changed beyond recognition. How long do I live with this man that I would never have married? He is being awful to the DC and I just can't let it go on, and on.

We have a stressful home life: DC1 (4) has autism, DC2 (1) has medical issues/poor sleeper/very active and lively. I work PT - am main wage earner, main child carer, household manager, and now his carer too.

My wonderful kids are not having the home life I want for them - he is impatient, intolerant, goes around banging doors and generally stropping, snaps at the kids. DC1 has started to say 'I don't love you Daddy, just Mummy' and refuses to let DH do anything for him, it has to be me.

Last night was dreadful - baby wouldn't go to sleep for DH (I was putting DC1 to bed) so he flings open bedroom door, stomps downstairs with baby, into the blazing lights of our kitchen and was banging cupboard doors shouting 'what then?apple?rice cake?' at my confused baby Later in the evening DC1 woke up, he has a heavy cold and is feeling grotty - crying for 'mummy, not you daddy' and for one hour I could hear dh going in, being snappy, stamping downstairs, slamming doors, coming back - I was bf'ing baby who had been woken by this bloody circus.

This morning, more of he same before he went to work. I said 'will you ring that counsellor today?' (he has been given a number for a counsellor that work will pay for him to see - he's had it since May last year and hasn't had time to phone her ) I resolved that if he didn't call her today - I would ask him to clear off for a bit. He didn't call her (says he did but couldn't get through, which I don't believe), so I've asked him to go away for the weekend.

How the fuck I'll manage both kids through the night, I don't know. They both co-sleep but DC1 with DH, and baby with me. DC1 has autism and suggesting he just gets in my bed when he wakes is going to be a big deal. But still, easier than walking on eggshells all the time waiting for DH to fly off the handle. Keeping the kids out if his way. Trying not to say the wrong thing. It's draining. I know he's ill. I know he can't help it. But this isn't the home life I want and it's been 2 years........how long do I put up with this ?

Sorry it's all a bit incoherent/brain-dumpy. Just trying to get my head around it all. We've been together since we were teenagers 16 years ago. I don't want this to end, he is such a wonderful man when he's well. But this other personality is the only daddy dc2 has known. My kids are too important to be treated like this while we wait for the real DH to magically reappear.

Depression (been there too) is no excuse for being horrible to you and your DCs.
He can choose whether or not to take it out on you.
I agree with you and those who say he needs to make an attempt to sort himself out by going back to the doctor and going for therapy.
Well done for putting your foot down and for realising "My kids are too important to be treated like this."

you are doing right thing in getting a break.
if he has somewhere to staya dn go then make it clear he can only come abck to live infmaly home if he takes concrete action via GP/counsellor etc.

you and DC do NOT have to live with this.
you have for two eyars.
enough is enough.

just because some of it isnt his fault eg illness does not mean you being a martyr - you deal with your child's issues because theya re your child but the adult ahs to make substantial effort with his MH issues and develop strategies to control his behviour.

if he cannot then you can make choice not to live with it 24/7.

like others above i and dc lived with major depression in exP for many years -(DS1 ASD/LDs; DD1 medical issues espec when younger plus dd2 ) finally heliterally blew up - and also thru counsellingi recognized many behaviours were within his control - it was personality, controlling etc traits...

if you believe he has had personality transplant and is due to illness then yes there is chance for future if he gets better - but also he has a responsibility to you all to take the bad stuff elsewhere.

"walking on eggshells all the time waiting for DH to fly off the handle. Keeping the kids out if his way. Trying not to say the wrong thing. It's draining. I know he's ill. I know he can't help it."

i think he CAN help it.
and if he truly cannot then he can take action for it. he is an adult - if he cannto see what he is doing then you ahve to take charge and create a happy household without him living in it.

if the Dc behviour trigger it - well he has to stay away except for short periods he can control it.

well done for saying leave for weekend, now formulate clear criteria for returning to family home.

ask GP to refer you to SS disabled childrens team for help with your son with autism, pointing out that you also carer to your H. there may be services you can access for DS

I think some people seem to think also that depression includes major psychotic episodes, where they can say and do exactly what they like, because it's 'all part of the depression'. It's bloody not! If that is happening, they need to be seen by a doctor immediately.

My depression was debilitating, but personally my family suffered not because of my actions, but because of how I felt about myself. DH and I still had the odd tiff or whatever, but it was within the realms of a normal marriage. At no point did I fly off the handle 'because I was depressed', or hit anyone 'because I was depressed'. I was fully in control of my actions as an adult human being.

Had a thought this morning HeatherMoor, would your other half try online therapy? Doctor recommended Living Life to the Full website to my husband, apparently it can be as effective as face to face therapy and it's free. www.llttf.com/

Realise in my post my DH looks absolutely awful, but he does have some good qualities, gentle with children, rarely flies off the handle, don't think he would ever cheat. And he's seeing doctor, stopped gambling and cut right down on drinking. So last chance...

I can relate to a lot of the posts here. My DH is also depressed - 4 years so far. He's had "all" (his words) the ADs there are - no improvement. He sees a community psychiatrist nurse (CPN) regularly (weekly / fortnightly), and saw a psychotherapist too for a while. He also - at their suggestion - went on an 8-week course on Mindfulness. He had to pay for this and though initially very sceptical he found it helpful as it enabled him to cut down on drugs, temporarily (ie while he was on the course). He doesn't seem to be able to keep practising the technique however.

He has queried medics as to whether he has bipolar or schizophrenia, rather than depression (her reads too much on the net; not like me . They say no; he's not convinced.

I'm seeing a counsellor because I find it difficult to cope (the trigger was when he attempted suicide). Her belief is that the reason he wants to believe he has bipolar or schizophrenia is that, if it were true, then he would NOT be responsible for his actions, whereas if he is suffering from depression, then he IS responsible for his actions.

My counsellor also says nothing will work, including the drugs, if he does not "engage" with the treatment: in other words, does he actually want to get better?

Sorry for length; don't know if any of this helps?

I say well done, Heather, for asking him to leave for the weekend. Good luck.

His pills are not working for him and he needs to change them, believe me when I say the right pills can work wonders and do miraculous things.

They worked for me and changed me from a manic depressive suicidal wreck who didn't work for three years and had panic attacks going out, to one who now works 40 hours a week and has not cried through depression for over six months.

I never had counselling, I just got the right medication, it takes time took me 3 years but it can and will get better. I know its hard but depression is a selfish illness as those of use with D only see ourselves and our problems and how bad it is for us, we dont do it on purpose its the illness.

I'm with ceslaviechic on this one - he has a responsibility to you all to take the bad stuff elsewhere.

I don't think you should let your children be subjected to this for a moment longer. He can come back when he's better. I was quite shocked at your story - his behaviour must have been terrifying for them.

Wow, so many responses. Thank you to everyone ? lots of excellent advice, and encouragement.

Well, he?s gone to his brother?s (2 hours away, not to his parents 20 mins away (wonder why? ). I?ve got both boys in my bed and one of them is even asleep. Everyone happy. My mum is going to try and spend some time with us (she?s 2.5 hours away) which will be fab. He hadn?t packed a bag when I got in from work ? maybe he thought it would blow over. Not this time.

Ill try and answer some points: samhaircin he had these aggressive outbursts before going on Ads (but never when not depressed, he is usually a gentle, laidback soul) so I don?t think it?s that, but have noticed aggression worse when he?s had a drink. He has reluctantly stopped drinking..

To all who suggested it - I do think a referral to a psychiatrist is a good idea. Funny, it didn?t occur to me I thought they were for suicidal people or psychotic people hadn?t considered that severe depression not responding to Ads might be bad enough!

Anna 1976 ? I have recently been wondering if he is on the fringes of the spectrum ? obviously our DS has ASC and DH?s father is definitely (undiagnosed) on the spectrum. His depressive bouts always occur around major life changes ? going away to uni for example. There are other indicators too. Makes no difference though, really, I loved him ? on spectrum, without depression. It's depression that's the real issue.

He absolutely does need to take responsibility and does need to take control. Or move out until he can. My resolve is growing stronger with this step.

Oddling ? spot on, if it were me shouting at babies I would be seeking help from every angle.

I am starting to see the illness has excused too much.

Cestlavielife : ?there is chance for future if he gets better - but also he has a responsibility to you all to take the bad stuff elsewhere. i think he CAN help it. 
and if he truly cannot then he can take action for it. he is an adult - if he cannto see what he is doing then you ahve to take charge and create a happy household without him living in it. if the Dc behviour trigger it - well he has to stay away except for short periods he can control it.? Agree.

Will discuss online therapy busymumm , thanks for the link. How does it work? Good luck on that last chance

I has a dp who was depressed but not doing his bit to get better i.e not turning up to counselling and stuff I left him and I haven't regretted it ever it did hurt but he is better off without me and the responsibility now all he has to do is look after himself and hes much better for it.

Heather - a lot of people have posted. But I am living throught it with you> if your dhhas true mental h issues then they need help> It is hard as the partner -I have struggled on and off for many years but we manage> it is not ideal but I would rather struggle the 4 of us than split up. you need to re-evaluate your marriage and work out it if it is important to you. i did this and said it was - but that is my choice. most of the time life would be easier if dh wasn't involved. keep strong.

sundew Thanks for your perspective. My marriage is important me, of course, but not at any cost. Not at the cost of my happiness. Not at the cost of my children's right to a home life free of tension and aggression. It's where and when to draw a line - and I think it's here and now for me. All the best for you and your family

Well done Heather for being strong. Did you have to pack his bags? What does it feel like?

It feels good, mostly. We've had a lovely day out, me and the boys. They're both sleeping in my bed now. I'm sad he's missing out - but he misses out when he's here,too, as he doesn't/can't appreciate what we have. He didn't call to say goodnight to them but I had a missed call from him at lunch.
..........and,no, I did not pack his bag

Im often amazed at the shit that is spouted about depressed people having to take responsibility and do this and do that, clearly none of those saying it have any idea about depression at all and how debiltating and soul destroying it is, its called an illness for a reason.

Clearly Fabby is on a downer here. And there we were celebrating Heather's newfound liberation from an oppressive partner who shouts at their baby...

Fabby - you'd no doubt agree that depression affects a bunch of different axes of personality, to different degrees in different people. I found it was life-changing when my GP started appealing to my ability to take control of my own situation. However, I had probably been notably passive and inclined to lean on others for my own happiness, before. So the taking responsibility and taking control really was what helped for me, and indeed for many people I've known. I have taken pleasure in making sure I run my life as well as I can, ever since. Sometimes it is quite hard (so I get on MN and rant).

Undoubtedly, there are other people for whom appealing to self-efficacy would be less helpful. But I think that until someone has demonstrated that they've tried to take control and really can't, it's worth a try - so perhaps a good first step on the road to recovery. If it doesn't work, you move on to other things, of course.

In sickness and in health. Isnt it a two way street. I think the true extent of depression is under estimated, and attitudes displayed here are unhelpful and damaging.

As someone whose partner of two years commited suicide, im close to tears reading the callous, uncaring, selfish attitudes from the op and others. Deserting someone, limiting their access to their children, at their most vulnerable will only exasperate the depression, this not his choice to be this way.

Depression is not a lifestyle choice love its an illness like diabetes, heart disease etc. I have been a mental health nurse for 4 years and it is uncaring selfish people like you that make my blood boil.

Some threads never die....

What about what your dh has to put up with? let us remember, he is suffering from a mental illness. remember your marriage oaths? 'good times and bad'. stick by him. its so easy for others to simply say leave him. try

Nobody is obliged to put up with this kind of behaviour, whether it has a good cause or not.
Of course you shouldn't be deliberately hurtful (not that I think you are, OP!), but you can't 'carry' it indefinitely either.
I've been in a relationship with someone with depression. In the end I realised he was taking out his feelings of frustration and sadness on me. He wanted me to be his (emotional) punching bag. Well, sorry, but no. That's not on.
And it's very important to remember that you can't 'fix' someone else. A lot of people stay because they think they can, or they should be able to and are failing.
You're not. You can't.
You can really love someone but ultimately their behaviour can drive you away. It's terribly sad but it happens and you have to do what's best for the kids and also yourself.

Ive got to the point that i just want out, everyday its making the household really upset. But i cant leave as a man i stand to loose my kids and the house but really cant take anymore, i cant be ill and i cant do.anything with taking the kids with.me, kids.have appointments and i.get it in the neck.because shes has to look.after the others while i.take said kid.to.their appointment. I dont have a life and am.constantly treanding on.eggshells

Whilst depression is undoubtedly difficult for the sufferer... As other posters have suggested, if your OH is aware that his behaviour is causing harm to you and your children and he STILL chooses to do little / nothing to get real actual treatment to stop harming you and your children - then that is not your fault, it is not your responsibility, it's his.
You've done everything (and more) that you could - (imo) to be supportive of him, it now sounds as if you may need to strongly consider putting yourself and your children first. Sorry, if that sounds a little harsh. wishing you and your children all the best.

But as a man i lose the
Kids and house if i walk away. I cry myself to sleep and dont want to be near her anymore, but im trapped her depression Is killing me and i feel isolated

hades this is a very old thread and you're better starting your own got better responses.

FWIW you won't automatically lose the children and the house if you split.