Advice much appreciated

[lucy1001]

I am a serial lurker and would greatly appreciate some advice regarding DP and I. We live together and I have one DS (4) who effectively thinks of DP as his Daddy. DP has two children who unfortunately he hasn't been seeing lately, trough no fault of his own (thats a whole other story!) Thankfully, after a court hearing on friday he has been granted access to the children starting with his DS returning every other weekend and his DD to return to every other weekend after 3 visits at a unsupervised contact centre to build her confidence back up as she has been unsettled by the break in contact. I am really pleased for DP. Several months ago we made an arrangement for celebrating my 30th overnight at a hotel with family which will coincide with collect my DS who is spending a few days with GPs. He returned from court last week with all the weekend contact arranged.
He asked to speak to me whilst I was work today and announced he has decided to change all the weekends around due to issues with the contact centre being open so he will no longer becomeing away. He said he felt bad , but wasn't realy his problem and i just needed to deal with it or we could split up. I know he has been under an incredible amount of pressure with his job and the court case.
Am I wrong to think that a discussion together would have been preferable to see if we could come up with a compromise or a way to make it work for everyone rather than this announcement when i am having a manic day at work . I am not underminding how important it is for him to re-establish his relationship with the children but must admit to feel quite ground down myself over the last few months with all the pyscho texts from his ex, solicitors letters , police involvement due to her behaviour etc. I feel i am here just to arrange all the practical day to day issues such as organising the court paper work , researching the best way forward to help . I really wanted to approach the children coming back to staying with us in a positive way so we can focus on moving forward and separate it from all the continual hassle that comes alomngside it but DP and his like it or lump it attitude isn't helping.
I realise this a very long message and thank you greatly if you have made it to the end! I just don't know what to do from here really and must admit to feeling pretty low about it all after all the recent events. Would really appreciate some advice
Thanks

yes a discussion would have been preferable to a fait accompli :(

That you Buen i was made to feel that I was being unreasonable . DP has made me feel like I pretty much at the bottom the of the bloody heap today ( please don't think i underestimate how important children are) Pretty sick of it all really

I think you need to ask him why on earth he felt you deserved to be told in that manner. It was rude, aggressive, and, by the sound of it, unexpected.

He could well have had an absolutely awful day trying to sort out access, dealing with bureacrats and felt that juggling that and the relationship at the same time was just too much. Maybe.... But even so, you didn't deserve to be treated like that and he is being incredibly arrogant in his manner towards you, not treating you like a partner at all.

Sit down and talk to him, but sadly if he doesn't apologise and talk to you then it may be a sign of things to come .

I think your probably right chitchat. This isn;t the first time. We have had discussions about talking before we make decisions together, sadly, when it comes to the children or anything similar Dp seems to be totally unable to take a little time, calm down relax and think! it all seems to be this instant panic where he makes a decision then feels very guily so goes on the instant defensive of i can't please everyone. I just feel the issues with Dp seeing the children will never end , just to his relationship with their mother and me and Ds are sat in the background being the ones that are here waiting while he will continue to go on like this. i must admit to being no saint his attitude makes me so flipping cross at times and i probably do rant a bit

I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you do.

I can understand that he may be feeling elated that he's going to have the opportunity to resume contact with his dc after what has obviously been an drawn out and exhausting struggle.

I can also understand that he is most probably filled with impatience about the prospect of having both of his dc for alternate weekends and is anxious to build his dd's confidence as quickly as possible so that this can happen.

But it's not as easy to understand why he's told you that he intended to rearrange dates that were presumably set by the court in such a pre-emptory manner and has also implied that your relationship means very little to him.

I'm wondering if his phone call to you was made after the fact and that he was being particularly bullish because it belatedly occurred to him that he should have given some thought to your existing plans before he changed the dates

Whatever his reasoning, I suggest you give some consideration as to whether you want to continue in a relationship with a man who appears to consider you as being entirely dispensable.

Next time he tells you his 'decision' about something important, how about hanging up the phone/walking out of the room. Just get away from him. Tell him when he is ready to 'discuss' the situation like an adult, he can call you/find you again. If he wishes to 'dictate' to you in a juvenile manner again, you won't be listening or paying attention.

Horrible way to tell you - but I think you are just going to have to suck it up and keep schtum. Of course he should have discussed it with you - but (being human) you were not going to like it, now were you?!

The fact that he has been to court over this says to me that it is very important to him to regain contact with his children.

The poor man is totally split - kids or you????? If he breaks this initial contact then she will claim 'see, he's just not interested'. On the other hand, if he lets you down, then his 'new' relationship is in jeopardy.

I know your 30th is inportant - but the relationship he has now, and in the future, with his children is surely more important?

Be a 'big' person and forgive him - after 'metarphorically' slapping him around!

Afterall - your 30th can be celebrated later - and the whip hand is yours about where you go!!! :o

Thanks Izzy . He will be racked with guilt he always is , no excuse this is his approach to dealing with it. Due to the nature of his ex partner there will always a be a "battle" to some degree to see the children and I feel although easier said then done other people do need to be considered in all this.
Must admit to be sitting here considerint ehat very same thing. If it were just me involved I would consider just tellung him to stick it. Although there is DS. He has had an awful lot of upheavel in his life for his age ad is finally just becoming settled where we are living and confident that he is part of a family. Splitting with DP would ultimately result in a move (as it is DPs property) and another family change . It is not a decision i feel i can just make.
It will be very interesting to see what mood DP arrive home in. My bet is that he will arrive shattered from his day (he leaves for work at 4:45am) and unable to talk. That makes him sound like a bit of a tawt again , excuse my language. He is a complete pillock there are absolutely great parts of his character just bloody struggling to see them at mo. Thank you for listening to ramblings though!

Sorry cross post you are right busybusybust I think I am just very ground down by it all if it makes sense and have had a crap week and this is the icing in the cake. I know he is between a rock and a hard place and the fact it is my 30th doesn;t matter Im nogt major in to bdays its just i feel this is constant at the moment. I think my role in a bit shut up, put up, be a lovely step mother to children (smile sweetly as they tell me what their mother thinks of them etc, cook, wash etc for everyone .
Maybe i should stop whinging and get a g&t

I was wondering what a split would entail but even though it would be an upheaval for you and your ds, that's no reason to stay in a relationship where you are not valued and are made to feel that your 'services' can be dispensed with at any time.

How old are his dc? It seems to me that it is going to be your ds who is going to have to make the biggest adjustment when his dc start spending alternate weekends with you.

Does this man tell you he loves and values you and has he thanked you for the support you've given him over the past months? Has he said anything along the lines of 'I couldn't have done it without you' or given some other sign of recognition of the part you've played in helping him through a stressful ordeal? If not, he's not just a twat - he's an oaf.