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Original poster

DP says he wants to leave -can't understand why I don't want to "Friends"

29 replies

blossom123 · 19/01/2012 13:12

Things have been bad for some time, have posted in the past about this. DP Finally blurted out that we have to split, he wants to be on his own, can't live in MY house anymore (house is in my name because we were unable to get a mortgage with his him on it), he is walking in egg shells, can't watch what he wants on TV. The list goes on, basically the gist was life is too short and he feels he is not living a life and trapped by me and DS. Then in the next breath his is saying what a lovely person I am and does not want to hurt me. I know he has no money and I think that is the only reason he is has not moved out. I have a 20 year history with this person and DS, life would be pretty tough on my own. I am really confused about his contradictions, 1 minute wanting to work things out next minute telling me he does not want to carry on because hates his life, I just don't understand him anymore. I feel angry and confused and sick to my stomach right now. Told him to fuck off I think I deserve better than this, he agreed, he just does not appear to have any emotion. "Can't we just be friends I knew you would be like this" I just wanted to smash his face in. Sorry for rant .Wish I could think clearly.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 19/01/2012 13:38

Is he DS's dad? If so then say you hope to be civil and cooperative co-parents, but you are not ready for any kind of friendship with someone who just dumped you and it's unfair of him to land this on you and then ALSO expect you to continue to provide emotional support in the form of friendship. Rinse & repeat no matter how much he whines.

He needs to move out immediately. Immediately like this weekend, he can stay with friends or family, they are his support network now, that is NOT your role any more.

If he starts to give you any guff about "wait, I'm not sure, maybe I want to stay after all" still make him leave, tell him YOU want to consider the future of the relationship. Even if you think you might take him back, you are better off making that decision without him in your face and he is better off learning he can't dither and mither and fuck you about, you WILL kick him out because you aren't willing to accept shitty treatment.

PopcornMouse · 19/01/2012 14:08

In a nutshell, it sounds like he wants the benefits of an emotional (and financial?) relationship with you but also be able to be able to shag around, while leaving you to do all the difficult bits of parenting. Hmm

He is a twat and I'd be telling him to get on his bike.

(I mean, leaving your kids because he can't watch Top Gear on demand? How old is he, 5?)

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 14:15

Bloody Formula 1 and Top Gear actually. Def emotional and Def Financial support, it has always been that way.

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ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 14:17

"I know he has no money" uh. Are you financially supporting him then?

CamberwickGreen · 19/01/2012 14:19

(I mean, leaving your kids because he can't watch Top Gear on demand? How old is he, 5?)

lol, have seen much worse reasons given on here for "leaving the bastard"

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 14:23

#Shirley# We both work full time but I earn more bu he does not manage his finances, and yes he literally has no money at the moment

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tallwivglasses · 19/01/2012 14:24

I've got no time for people like him. Do you have to spell it out to him that it's very difficult to be friends with someone who's breaking your heart ffs.

I have an ex who still expects to lean on me financially and emotionally. Repeat after me: "You're talking to me like I'm someone who gives a fuck."

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 14:26

Hmm, well, if he wants to leave good bloody luck to him then!

I would just calmy say "OK, I'll help you pack" and help him pack and don't smash his face in or scream and shout or anything. Just say that you're sorry he feels that way, but that you understand that he needs to leave if he no longer loves you, and that you'd rather he NOT stay if that's the way he feels as you deserve more than that.

And let him go.

You'll be fine. He on the other hand? Not so much.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 14:27

Oh and in reposnse to "Can't we just be friends I knew you would be like this" Just calmly say "No, not at the moment. Maybe one day in the future"

Hulababy · 19/01/2012 14:28

Is he an equal partner in your relationship?
Do you both pay towards the house and bills?
How long have you been together as partners? How long living together?
How old is DS?

Just trying to work out if he is genuinely being treated as "unequal" or if he is looking for reasons to get out.

tallwivglasses · 19/01/2012 14:28

Oh, and in our house it was the football. Not just the game, but the build-up, the actual match, the post-mortum, the edited highlights...I nearly lost the will to live.

Blossom - tell him to jog on and then you can watch what you want without that moany voice in the background Grin

sternface · 19/01/2012 14:32

But he's been having an affair for ages hasn't he? Confused

I read your other threads.

Hulababy · 19/01/2012 14:42

He's having an affair?

Well, tbh then - time for the whole thing to end. Him to leave, you to move on too.

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 14:47

#hula# Yes he does pay towards bills, when he has it, 20 years tog and DS11. I don't know what is going on in his head. He does not know how lucky he is. I pay more, do majority of the Housework, cooking, we have a lovely home, good holidays ( which I pay for) but his life is shit. Angry and I am really mean because I moan when wants to watch F1 on his only day off.

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Hulababy · 19/01/2012 14:48

Sounds to me like you are being fair and he is just looking for excuses, esp if there is an affair involved.
Let him go, encourage him to go infact.

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 14:49

#stern# I swears blind not, maybe I am just a gullible idiot. I am not sure he has it in him

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sternface · 19/01/2012 14:55

Yes he is, going by your previous threads, with a woman and/or a man - or one of those was a cover-up for the other. He's got form for lying to you and admitting to only what you can prove. Read your old threads if you need a wake-up call.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 14:58

blossom - I'll tell you what can be a helpful exercise. Go and do an "advanced Search" on your nickname - you can then read back the stuff you have been posting on MN in this name.

Read it as if you were reading the posts of someone you didn't know (or did know,if you like!) and think what you would tell that person to do.

Your posts are so sad, and you only get one life. One go at this and you're SO unhappy that it feels like a waste to me.

Let him go.

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 15:02

Shirly you have just made me cry, I just keep thinking things we will get better, such history between us, we have been through so much over the last 20 years

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ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 15:05

I'm sorry blossom - but it's true you know?

20 years is 20 years. Do you want another 20 like this?

You're both unhappy and I think it's time to say "OK, we tried and it was good at the beginning but I need to stop this now before we end up despising one another". My Grandparents stayed married for 40 years - they hated each other for about 35 of those years. What a terrible waste of their lives.

sternface · 19/01/2012 15:06

Yes but by the looks of things, those years have been blighted by his addictions and general behaviour. The question is, do you want the next 20 years to be like this?

It sounds as though he's done what you should have done, ages ago. Be thankful for that, in so many ways. It means you're free.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 19/01/2012 15:07

Blimey Stern - you and me keep xposting the same stuff. Great minds and all that.

Original poster
blossom123 · 19/01/2012 15:40

We came close to splitting a few years ago and I was hopeful after he sought treatment for depression and now on medication, trouble is I know he needs to go further and is now back in the mindset that everyone else is to blame for his problems. I need to find some strenght from somewhere. Wish I had someone to talk to in RL but you guys do help, thanks for your support.

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tallwivglasses · 19/01/2012 23:05

I'm annoyed with myself for thinking (hoping) that things would get better for 8 years.

I don't quite understand what gives us this optimism in the face of so much incriminating evidence! What a waste of time and energy!

There may be some mnetters close by to you blossom. Maybe do a search? I'm in the northeast fwiw x

Original poster
blossom123 · 20/01/2012 12:09

As suggested I have re read my post over the past few months and have even written a list of for and against "reasons to stay tog or not", if that makes any sense does not look good. Logically I should kick his ass out now but I feel utterly sick and anxious. Everyone thinks I am so strong but inside I am jelly. He still is making no signs of moving out and seems to be caryying on as normal, even spent some time with DS last night. I can't even bring myself to speak with him right now, so confused. I just have no confidence anymore, what the hell has happened to me. Sorry feeling really sorry for myself today

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