Has he really changed?

[meandmyfour]

I'm sure this question has been asked many times but I'd appreciate your thoughts. My partner and I separated 18 months ago after a horrendous time..an incredibly stressful period, new born triplets, ill health..the list goes on. His behaviour at the time was a nightmare, never physically abusive but very frightening and the police were called on a few occasions. I look back now and think he was possibly having a bit of a breakdown..am not excusing his craziness but just can see things a bit clearer with time.
Anyway, nearly two years on neither of us has moved on, he is doing everything he can to try and convince me to try again...it's been a very rocky road but over the last few months I've started to let my guard down a little bit and consider maybe trying again. We have 4 beautiful children...we had our first appointment with a couples counsellor this week...I still have huge doubts and am so scared of finding myself back in a nightmare situation again BUT, he really does seem to have changed..my question is, can that change be permanent??
I know everyone says don't stay together for the kids but does everybody deserve a second chance??

In what ways has he changed? How do you know he won't suddenly revert back to his horrid former self the minute he is back to reality with a partner and 4 young children to deal with?

I personally wouldn't go back there myself, but that's not to say nobody else should.

How do you vision things if he came back home? What is your instant gut feeling? Relief, or dread? Whatever it is, follow that.

You're right about following my gut, the problem is that my 'gut' feeling changes all the time!! It's the indecision that's driving me (and him) crazy..a lot of the time I think, no, it wouldn't work ..can't take the risk but then when he's at the house and we're all together it feels lovely. It's the horrible memories that make me doubt...but he's not actually behaved in that way for a long time now. I'm longing for clarity rather than this horrible stuck feeling, it just goes round and round in my head 24 hrs a day...

If there has been abuse, couples counselling is not recommended. You should do individual counselling instead.

I think accepting him back into your home would be a bad idea until he and you have both done a lot of work on yourselves. Don't be rushed into getting back together - give yourself lots of time and don't change living arrangements until he's properly proved himself.

It's easy for him to be on best behaviour for now, it's how he behaves if you ask him to do therapy and to wait longer that may indicate whether he's just play-acting.

you dont have to rush any decision.

spend 12 months with him visiting and spending time with you and dc at your place and review after that time. if he really understands how his behaviour affected you adn is truly remorseful he will accept that.

did he get a GP clinical diagnosis of depression/anxiety/breakdown?

You never know i suppose but 18 months doesn't seem a very long time to me at all.

I'd also recommend going to councilling separately and not together.

Add to those saying no to couples counselling. You need separate therapists who specialise in abusive behaviour.

My H has done twelve months of therapy, and is on the waiting list for a perp programme.

But I am so clued up about abusive behaviour now, that I know, that despite repeated attempts at normal behaviour, he slips up, with something or other ALL the time!

Learn about what to look for, speak to Respect, they are a gold mine of info.

I second what singing princesssays.

PLEASE speak to respect and learn about the signs of change .

Couples therapy is dangerous in abuse cases.

Take care!