strange development..

[katkin73]

Hi all.
Don't know if you will remember me, I was posting around 6 months ago when I discovered dh emotional affair (text/msn/filthy pics etc) anyway I decided to try and move on, not exactly forget it but we are still together.
It doesn't take a lot to make me suspicious/paranoid and I have had my suspicions regarding one of his female work colleagues, you know how one name seems to come up in conversation ALOT, they work together every day, have to go away overnight on trips together etc etc, I started questioning him about her, not outright accusing him more gentle probing, asking him who he'd seen in work etc, anyway he stopped talking about her completely, goes out of his way not to say her name, its like she doesn't exist (she is still there)
Yesterday a letter arrives at our address FOR HER!? yes, her name, my address. He doesn't know its here, I've not opened it, but can see through envelope (with torch lol) that it is a compliment slip and receipt from a taxi firm, dated one night last week when he was out! It was supposed to be a works get together, lots of them, all taking their cars as they had work the next day.....so why a taxi receipt for a LOT of £££ in her name (not my dh card number) to my address???

It is gut instinct and you say your instinct was right before, trust it now. He will without doubt make up some elaborate excuse/lie for anything you ask him, but the top and bottom is you can't trust him and it looks to me like you will never be able to again.

You don't need proof. He certainly wouldn't get a receipt made out to her delivered to your home address would he? So that means that she is the one who gave your address to the taxi firm, made out to her - not even your DH, it's like she wanted you to get the letter first.

I'd calmly pass him the letter, and say something like "You can give this to her, when you next see her - I don't give two craps when that is now because I am finally done with putting up with your lies and all round shittyness. Off you fuck!"

He won't change. You'll never fully trust him again. Don't waste your life on this pathetic excuse for a man, you know you deserve more than that.

I wouldn't play games such as texting the woman because even if your dh couldn't turn it around on you, there's no telling that her response will give you the answers you want and you may just end up more frustrated than you are now.

And if he's not having an affair with this woman (and while the evidence seems to point to it you cannot know for absolute certain) you will be the one left looking stupid for getting it wrong.

It's fairly obvious that although you have both said you are moving on, you don't trust him. And that is understandable; it's not uncommon for someone who has been on the receiving end of an affair to decide to move on and to then find it difficult or even impossible to actually do so. I would base the confrontation on that. He's unlikely to admit anything but reality is that if he's having an affair with her it will come out eventually anyway if you split.

I'm sorry, there could of course be an innocent explanation, and that on it's own isn't proof, but I think with the other evidence and your gut feeling, that it doesn't look good.
I'd ring him, calmly say 'I know you're having an affair with X, I'll be packing your stuff for you today and I want you out'
That should do it.

If he claims you are paranoid, then just agree with him but point out if he wants your relationship to continue he would be doing all he could to not act in a way that makes you paranoid. He is still acting like someone who is cheating on you, and you don't need to be fooled any longer.

Is your implication that he got a taxi from her house to yours? Why could it not be that she ordered the taxi for your DH from the restaurant or work, paid for it on the work/her cc, so her name would be attached to the booking, but your husband asked for a receipt as he got out? Whichwould be sent to your address as the drop off address? In the absence of other information, this seems perfectly likely as a sequence of events.

If they were out getting up to no good rather than at a works thing, surely she wouldn't be able to claim the expenses back?

You would be surprised at what they think they can claim back on expenses.

I would have it out with him not her, keep your dignity-he's your husband, he's the one at best being an insensitive git, at worst having an affair.

I'm sorry to say it sounds like the latter, trust your instincts. Once you have the truth you will feel less paranoid (though I appreciate that certainty will leave you feeling shit). Good luck with it.

katkin it is a huge thing to face the end of a relationship I knew mine had come to an end probably up to a year or so before I summoned the courage to act (marriage ended for different reasons to yours) but it had the same effect on my self esteem, confidence, etc that It will on you, but there is life after the end of a marriage, you will manage to feed yourselves and the kids, spend your time now planning ahead, find a good solicitor, phone tax credits helpline etc start separating your finances from him, remain dignified and take the higher road don't spend time wondering why he did what he did, you'll never get to the bottom of it, I don't even think some of them know why they act as they do, if you can, search out some counselling I was able to have some sessions through my job and have found it hugely beneficial but thats something to consider a bit further down the line maybe.

Some women are so patient.
Sigh.

Thing is, even if the whole taxi thing is a mix up or completely innocent, WHY is he STILL socialising with a woman he had an emotional affair with?

Viv, his reaction to being caught first time was as you would expect, "sorry, didn't mean to hurt you, just got carried away, liked the attention" etc etc Blah blah.

The OW had it sent to your address so that you would find out.

Which you have.

This is an established affair.

The reason you're in denial and thinking you need solid proof is because you don't want to follow through on any threats you may have made last time, or promises you made to yourself (haven't read your earlier threads).

If it makes you feel any more determined, hide the letter for now and you will find what you need on his phone or the second one he keeps elsewhere. Give yourself 24 hours to do that, but if you find nothing because he has deleted it all, then tell him you know he is having an affair and who it's with, but refuse to tell him what evidence you've got.

Whether he denies it or confesses, he will be shitting himself wondering how much you know, as will she, they'll be unable to fraudulently claim back their expenses and will both wonder about your next move.

After that, regardless of what he says, ask him to leave.

the only promise I made was to myself, that if I caught him again that would be it...over.
I'm scared.

It is scary but you need to follow through, for your own self-respect and also as an example to your children. Your husband doesn't respect you, so if you stay and ignore this that disrespect will turn to contempt (if it hasn't already) and your life will get considerably worse than it is now.

Oh Katkin, he will know you will be scared and is hoping the fear of splitting up with him will be enough to make you stay.
It is your choice what you are prepared to accept in a relationship, if I was in your position I would have his bags ready when he comes home...

the ONLY chance you have of fixing this is showing him you mean business and giving him consequences for his betrayal.

You let him off (again) and he will never stop.

Wonder how you are OP.