Follow on from thread I did over a year ago about DHs emotional affair and I need some support again please.....

[FeelSoLost]

original thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1075158-So-my-instincts-were-right-and-now-I-am-crumbling

So that was over a year ago..... things seemed to improved for a while but I still never found it in my heart to forgive him. But at the same time, nothing cropped up again etc, and we started to even enjoy life together again. We moved into a lovely big house and things seemed good.

THEN....a couple of months ago, I was in the garden and underneath a tarpaulin sheet thing I found a phone top up voucher. My heart started to race frantically. I tried to justify that we live just off a main road near a shop and it could have blown in under the gate, but old feelings surfaced, so I went in the house and started routing through his tool box etc in the spare room. I found a tescos reciept. On it was 2 bunches of roses at £4 each (which he gave to me, I even put a pic of them on my Facebook so Iknow the date matches the reciept) But also a bunch of flowers for £15, a bag of cookies, a bottle of wine and some candles and disposable wine glasses....that night also coincides with the night he went out with 'an old friend' which I did not dispute at the time and it was actually the first time in a year he was able to leave the house without me crying..... I confronted him. He said the top up voucher wasn't his, but that the reciept was and that he has bought the stuff for a bloke at work....but couldn't remember his name then said it might have been someone called {his name} but that he has left there now..... I told him that he was to give me the number to this 'old friend' he met up with so I could verify he was there and he refused....point blank....he was only out for just over an hour that night (if that makes any difference, but he did say he was only going out for one drink and a quick catch up??) guilty??....

Determined to not ruin christmas for the kids I have put on a brave face....then 3 days before christmas he gets home from work and he is nearly crying and looked awful. I asked him what was wrong. Apparently one of my friends text him saying that she couldn't believe what he was doing to me again and that if he didn't tell me then she would. I asked what that meant...he said that someone up at work had seen something they've taken the wrong way obviously but that he didn't know who or what it was about. So I text this friend, and after much pushing she told me that one of HER friends who works with dh (are you still keeping up here!?) saw him kissing another one of the girls at work. I told him what was said and the look of horror on his face.... I have text this girl who 'saw' him and she added me as a friend on facebook. She wasn't quick enough to delete all her posts on there though before I read them all....going on about how much she fancies someone at work etc, how he has paid her compliments.... and it turns out shes been trying to get her claws into him by insisting on being put with him at work etc. Now I just don't know what to believe anymore. It seems plausable that shes just been scorned by rejection from him and causing trouble but given his 'past' you can understand my serious doubt.... my friend who text him it turns out has been talking to this other girl who 'saw' things and I now don't know how much she has told her and she is using for ammunition? Things I told her in confidence etc.....

I just don't know what to do..... or think....or feel......

Need some rational thinking....

Oh you poor thing.

Trust your instincts.

He is an arse.

All he has learned from last time is that you're a walkover. (In his eyes.)

Meant to say as well that all this with him being 'seen' kissing this girl his reaction has been totally different to when I caught him out guilty last time... and he has been open about a lot more things etc too. He told me as well he sent a message to this one who 'saw' him asking her what she was playing at and to pack it in. She just text him back a load of abuse.....

I am very sorry

Your husband has form

He has not learned one lesson from all the heartbreak he put you through last time

His stories are hapless, immature and unbelievable insults on your intelligence

I don't believe him, and you would be wise not to either

I am so sorry. Your husband is cheating on you again. This is obvious. You need to decide if you can still live with this man.

He is a player, love

He isn't going to stop

Just because he is reacting "a bit differently" don't be prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt

so, last time he was sneakier

this time, he is more brazen because he expects you to "get over it" just like you did last time

Yet again, his ridiculous life is dragging your good name all over his workplace, facebook, among your friends and God knows where else

how much humiliation are you prepared to take ?

Oh you poor thing. I am 6 months on from discovery and on the bumpy road to reconciliation. I struggle with the deceit and fear that it will start again. Reading your thread makes me want to give up now.

I would ask him again to be honest and explain that you can't keep being hurt.

letmebe I am sorry. Please don't let my situation influence yours. Everyone is different.

You are all saying what I think but I don't want to believe.....it is just hard as well because it's not like he ever even really goes out. When he went out in november he hadn't been out for months. He works and he comes home....

Many people manage to cheat on their partners by only being out of the house during "working hours"

BUT HE'S HAVING THE AFFAIR AT WORK!

And do you really believe he's always where he says he is? He IS a big fat liar, after all.

I am so sorry you are going through this, OP and I think you're being really impressive and strong in facing this again. It sounds to me, if you don't mind me saying, as if the original event was never properly worked through and he never took full and self-exploratory responsibility for it. the greatest temptation after minor infidelity (if you can call any of it minor!) is to resume normal life, to feel 'safe' and solid again, in my experience. But this has huge consequences because on party learns to push down their resentment and pain and insecurity and the other learns that there are few real consequences to such actions. It is a perfect recipe for repeat offence.

The story you tell of the wine and the flowers and the glasses is so obvious, OP, that it's almost ridiculous. You are not being mad, don't you let him tell you that. That is absolutely crazy. What more on that receipt would suggest an affair? men don't buy flowers for other men.

The one thing I would say, whatever you do, is to NOT LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. Everything must be raked through, every 'he said she said' and those people who have been involved and reported back and so on. So many flings and affairs are kept under wraps because no one crosses the line to ask. The betrayed feel to humiliated and the friends feel it is not their business. I know of at least five or ten infidelities in the world I work in and friends and family, but I would never say anything about them - unless asked directly - for fear of causing a relationship collapse.

It sounds to me like the facebook girl in question is either the one he has had a fling with and is trying to hurt him after he has broken it off, or worse, that he had something with her and then she did actually see him kissing someone else aswell down the line and has told on him out of outrage and humiliation on her part too.

Speak directly to this girl. She may lie to you if she has had an inappropriate relationship with your husband at some point but I promise if you put on a voice of calm, reasonable, vulnerable enquiry, you will probably learn something and she may spill. Ask her directly if something has gone on between her and your husband, without angry accusation if you can. And try and be brave enough to talk rather than write, people lie more easily in writing because they have more time to work it out and don't have to consider the other as real.

I have, in the last 6 months, come to realise how many men think it is ok to cheat or are drawn in to cheating. It sickens to me to the stomach when I think about their total and utter selfishness - I explain this to my H regularly.

I'm sorry, but having read your original thread (and it sounds like there were others) I cannot fathom why you put your trust in him again, as it was so obvious he was lying then - and it sounds like the time before that too. It's not surprising then that this has happened again, but what's truly shocking is that you're still prepared to believe the unbelievable and blame anyone but him for what he does. This isn't about other women 'getting their claws' into him. The problem is with him and him alone. For your own self esteem and for your children's sake, get out of this relationship as soon as possible, because as long as he's got opportunities, your husband will never be faithful.

I suppose you could wait it out until he is 93, bald, wizened and all his teeth fall out

Perhaps he won't get the opportunities then

or maybe he will still be chasing the skirt around the old folks home

I haven't trusted him again. I am not trying to justify things either...I am just trying to see things from all angles really.

OP, sorry to repost but I have just read your first thread in detail now. Please please see that your partner is adulterous. Unless this gets addressed with complete honesty immediately (which there is absolute no history of in your relationship as far as he is concerned) I cannot for the life of me see why you would continue to even imagine he will remain faithful to you.

I am so sorry to be so blunt, I normally try incredibly hard to see all points of view, including the adulterer's, but if you stay with this man you have to accept that he will never ever be faithful. Most adulterers lie when confronted but he has pushed you to a place where you sort of know he is lying but can't do anything about it. That's insane. You need to just shout 'You're lying!' in his face continually until you pass out if that's what it takes but oh my goodness there is no doubt he IS LYING.

And unless you want to carry on being one of those 'turning a blind eye' wives, something huge has to happen. He lies to you, over and over and over. If you get enough to make up for that elsewhere (how?!) then by all means contemplate staying but this will never ever ever change unless he is forced to tell the truth and see himself for who he truly is, a man who will take what he can get at every opportunity.

you are not weak for demanding to know the truth. You will be freed by it.

There isn't another angle if you want a respectful and monogamous relationship

The only different way you could do this is if you agreed to let him seek sex elsewhere, as long as he is discreet and never brings it to his own doorstep. It would need a massive chhange on his part however, because it appears that he craves the illicitness of the sneaking around and getting women screaming at each other

Some people can do that

Could you ?

I agree that it looks like his previous affairs were not addressed properly, lessons were not learned and as a result he is doing it again. It is all about him and his pathetic and selfish need for attention & ego boosts.

I would ask him to leave - and you need to see a solicitor ASAP to ensure your and the DC's financial stability.

Just re read your thread - I can't believe the brazen lies your H are telling, FFS he is insulting your intelligience and being incredibly disrespectful to you - do you really believe these stories?

You know really he is lying - tell him you know and that he's just had his last chance.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I just feel sick all the time.

i am so sorry hunny.

Believe yourself

Trust yourself

You are the true constant in your life. He is shifting sands

In very basic and practical terms, he needs to leave the home right now, even if just for a while, so you can have unencumbered head space to think about next steps.

It is no longer just a matter of did he or didn't he or to what extent. Trust has been broken, your relationship has been damaged and you need to figure out what it is you need, what your family needs, and what it is that you want in your life.

He has to do the right thing - leave and let you have that space, time and distance to yourself. Clarity, in some form, can only begin come to you when that happens. I'm afraid I speak from experience here. Good luck.

Well- there's two explanations here. Either your partner is complete fucking catnip to women, and so unlucky that all the women he works with throw themselves at him and make up lies about him and post lies on Facebook- inbetween himbeing a saint and buying top up cards and bottles of wine for his male friends.
Or he's a complete player who can't keep his grubby little hands to himself.