So low after discovery of affair

[Heartbroken32]

How do you get over this . First found out h was doing something he shouldn't have been at beginning on nov 2011. He was texting ow for months at point of discovery. He initially told me it was nothing but flirty texting and he could not cross that line. However weeks of lying later it was Slept with her once big mistake etc.... Then following week twice etc .... Then finally admitted to me that it happened on four separate occasions and he really only had full sex with her once and realised what a big mistake he was making and the risk of losing me and our 3 dc. He is extremely remorseful and really is trying to rebuild our relationship but this has sent me mad with all the lies and now I cannot believe a word he says to me. To make matters worse ow is extended family and very much a minger and 15 years older than me! This has left my confidence at rock bottom with feelings of why would he want that over me...

Advice please for my sanity as this is on my mind morning noon and night.

So sorry his choice of OW shows that the affair is about him and his issues not you.

I would not make any long term decisions and only take things one day at a time, you will need time and space to process your thoughts and emotions.

Your H has a lot of hard work to do in order to rebuild the relationship - as well as helping you recover, he needs to look into himself in order to understand why he chose to have the affair as a route to resolving his issues and that means counselling.

There are some good threads on here about surviving an affair and I would suggest reading Not Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass.

I am about 6 months from discovery and to be honest it is still pretty tough going. I don't spend all day crying, I am now sleeping and I am eating better - all these things were terrible for the first few months. I just get days when the deceit hits me hard in the stomach and I am floored again.

I try to think of other things, focus on work, my children and my friends. I do now have more positive days than negative ones.

Hi thanks. Unfortunately I feel like I am only two weeks in after getting all the facts. ( but how do I know that is all) that is what drives me nuts. Still awaiting test result as he had unprotected sex with the minger. Every day is the same I cry ask a million questions but I am still searching for the real reason why why. He said I wasn't giving him any attention and it was all about the attention that was making him happy. The actual reality of havin sex with her was rubbish ( his words) but he kept on but maintains he "dumped" her before I found out ( approx 1 week) but remained in contact as friends until I discovered then ha spatial contact to tell her what he was and was not going to tell me !!! He has backed this up with evidence and broken all cOntact for some time now. How do I stop this craziness in my head ..

Breaking all contact is good news and will help you. I got to the point where I had to draw a line and say, I can't change the past but I can influence the future, MY future. That was only a few weeks ago and I still get days when I think about 'events'. We have come to an agreement where we don't discuss the affair every day (again this was weeks down the line). But what we do do is have a reality check where we listen to each other and where we are at and how we can help each other move forwards. I don't bring it up in every day conversation, though it is very tempting. And I refuse to give The Whore any space in my head - much easier to say than do. She doesn't deserve my time and energy, I am a better person than her. We have also accepted that things will never be how they were, because he cheated and I will never fully trust him again. Finally, to help us think about the future we have things planned up to July - nights/days out together.

(I am also realistic, I do realise it could also come crashing down!)

From what you've written it doesn't sound like your husband is remorseful , it sounds to me like he's trying to blame you by saying you weren't giving him enough attention. If he wanted more attention couldn't he have tried working on your relationship at that stage by raising the issues with you rather than by sleeping with one of his relatives? It's not your fault and it's not fair for you to take the blame for his behaviour. Do you sleep with other guys when your not happy with something your partner's doing? I didn't think so!

Lovingfreedom has got it spot on.
Your H does not seem to be taking responsibility for this affair and indeed is making it all your fault. Does he even remotely grasp the seriousness of what he has gone. He was never going to admit the sex was brilliant was he? By sayin it was rubbish is his attempt and minimizing the seriousness of his sordid behavior.
This OW is extended family-you dont shit on your own doorstep, if at all. What are the chances of meeting up with OW at family events? Who else in the family knows?
I would be asking him to move out for a while to give you space to process this information and decide what happens now. No decisions need to be made quickly but it's clear that he really doesn't get just how serious this is.

Hi yes that was my point exactly however he is one of them men that just don't talk about their feelings in any way . I take absolutely no responsibility for what he has done he himself cannot give me a difinative reason why. I know this woman very well she is one that throws herself at men all the time and I think that she may have caught him at his weakest. I don't know all I know is that he is a completely different person for the better when having faced the prospect of losing his family. He is definately more expressive of his feelings for the first time in a very long time. He is willing to do what ever I takes to make this work and that has included breaking contact with his brother as he is too close to the situation. It has caused a massive void within our family and he now does not want to have anything to do with them ( his choice) surely this is a huge personal sacrifice to make as he really does not have friends and he does a lot with his brother but chooses to stop this contact.

The second part of your post OP made my blood pressure rise...reminded me of my STBXH who confessed to me eventually (but only after Guantanamo Bay style torture & interrogation) that with one OW he 'didn't even get to feel her tits'. I don't know how many times I've repeated that on MN etc but that was my 'the sex was rubbish' moment. Made me realise - hang on a minute... this guy's a complete loser and I can do a hell of a lot better. What the hell am I doing by trying to keep hold of him and analysing everything that I'm doing wrong.

The facts are that your 'DH' risked all that you have for someone you describe as a 'minger' and with whom the 'sex was rubbish'. Turn it around. Forget beating yourself up about what you've done wrong or how you might have let him down....what will it take for you to even consider staying with a guy who will sleep behind his DW's back with some minging relative of his; doesn't even enjoy that experience and doesn't have the balls to own up to it properly. He's got some big time making up to do...don't even think about taking the blame.

Posts crossed - mine was in response to your earlier post, OP!

Don't blame the OW she owes you nothing. It's your DC who has betrayed you not her.
I am not sure what breaking contact with his family or brother will achieve, they did not make him or her have the affair uless they were complicit in hiding things from you.
Seems he is balming everyone but himself. TWAT

did he sleep with his brother's partner ?

Can I ask you why you want to forgive this, or why you feel you should?

You don't have to.

You could be with a man who does talk about his feelings - and doesn't blame everyone else for his own behaviour. Or you could be single and worrying about no man at all.

The excuses he's giving for what he did are ludicrous. He did this because he could - and it's as simple as that. It shouldn't have mattered if the most desirable, undemanding stranger with no connections back to you or him had prostrated herself naked in front of him - he could have said 'no thanks'. That he didn't say no to a family member whose only attraction was that she was willing, tells you a lot.

Also in telling you this lie about it happening because of your failings and lack of attention, he is hoist by his own petard, because what he seems to want you to believe is that as soon as you have more pressing attention needs with children, work, elderly parents - he will be unfaithful.

Sorry- but his pathetic dripfeeding would make me lose all respect for him. Fist of all it's just texting, then he slept with her once, then he slept with her four times, but the sex was rubbish, she's a minger and it was only because you weren't paying him any attention.

It's a sexist expression- but I feel like saying 'Just fucking MAN UP'. He should take some responsibility- instead of blaming it on these awful women who either ignore him or force him to have sex with them

Why do guys always think you're going to feel better if the woman was unattractive, the sex was shit, it meant nothing to them and they were just flattered? If I was ever going to risk 15 years of marriage or whatever, I think I'd be pretty careful to make sure the guy was hot, the sex hotter, it meant everything to me and I had an amazing time while it lasted!

Ha, lovingfreedom- too bloody right! It also makes me angry that men think that by denigrating another woman, you'll put all the blame on her and forgive him. If he thinks that low of this woman, how come she was good enough to put his dick in?

Well, the truth is, that many women do fall for this low trick that some men utilize

Evading responsibilty by blaming their partner and setting women up to "fight" for the "prize" that is him

it's all about the story of him isn't it ?

he got led astray by a minger, but he hates her really

I would dump a man for that alone...how is he anything other than the fucking booby prize here?

Yes Mardy, and it makes me absolutely livid too that so many of us fall into the trap of doing exactly that. That OW - she led him on, she's such a , she made him do it, she's always stealing people's men. These poor guys who get so cruelly seduced by these minging women who are all completely useless in bed and not even good looking and nowhere near as intelligent or interesting as us (and probably can't cook, clean or look after children). What a crock!!

AF - I've done it myself...fighting for the 'prize' that is, but I certainly won't do it again. Dressed up like an f'ing tart and acted like a slave to please him and re-spark the relationship...and was surprised when he started acting like the cat that got the cream...and proceeded to spark up yet more extra relationships...(actually with slightly more attractive women as his confidence grew and he realised what a prize he was) right in front of me. The only consolation is the degree of shock he got when I finally wised up and dropped him from a height...rather quickly as it happens.

My heart goes out to you, what a terrible time this is. If you have been happy with your marriage on the whole (we all have ups and downs), it is worth trying to make it work. It will be VERY hard because you have lost your trust and probably self esteem too and you will be very shaky, but you know, if he really loves you, he will let you scream at him and ask him questions about all the details etc...But you can get through it. Sometimes an affair can actually make your relationship stronger in the end. Men are so stupid sometimes and most usually regret their actions (want cake and eat it comes to mind) and some are lucky enough to be given another chance....But only once! Good luck.

Just to point out I know she is a minger it is family and I'm not bigging myself up but I had the confidence before all this to feel that I was a damn sight attractive then her. It was his brother's wife sister. This is the first time in fourteen years that there has been anything like this happen . He works hard is a good dad but he can be selfish. We had what I would call a normal marriage sex several times a week a no problem in that area at all. His brother and wife I think may have been aware that something was going on at the time but afterwards when I was searching for the truth helped him by communicating with her through them .

He knows what he has done and how much he has risked. I love him and want to move on from this. I have done some sneaky shit to get to the truth but so something is bugging me. I know without a doubt that she thought she was goin to get more from him than she actually did. The lying to me was because he didn't know how I would react to the truth because my first words to him was you have lost everything. But like I said for once in his life he is talking to me on a completely different level. Showing emotions that have never surfaced. This is my confusion why did it take this to happen to realise that in his words "I'm his life an he was too blind to see it" I know I thought bullshit at first but I just don't fucking know anymore.

lovingfredom so have I

I have competed with other women to claim the dubious prize of a faithless man

never again

and yep, when I wised up, said "no more" and dumped him the snot and tears and begging were a sight to behold

Oscar-worthy in fact

like I said

it's all about the story of them

his SIL's sister ?

you can move on from this ?

you are a stronger person than I

or a more foolish one

I wish you well though, because it seems you have made your mind up to forgive him. I am sorry for hijacking your thread slightly. All the best, and you know where we are x

If it's completely over, he's cut her right off, he's willing to tell you everything and answer all your questions, he's going to take the blame fully and stop expecting you to take the blame then set out to him what you expect from him and see how it goes from there. He's risked a lot, he's asking a lot for you to forgive him, he's got a LOT of making up to do and he can't expect you to just say 'that's ok darling, I'll give you more attention from now on so you won't need to shag mingers any more, my love'. Don't be afraid to ask for anything you need in order to know that he's not in touch with this or any other inappropriate OW. Despite what I've put in earlier posts, I really do wish you all the very best in working out a solution that works for you. For you, mind!

I think if you have had a happy life with him, it is worth fighting for.....but like I said, only once!!!!