DP and I grown apart - what happens next ?

[HomeSickBlues]

Brief background - DP and I had a bit of a whirlwind romance, fell almost instantly in love and decided to move to Europe for a bit of a giggle. We sold or donated most of our belongings (not much, we were living in houseshares previously) and found work in Italy. We'd been together about eighteen month by this point and were enjoying our new life when I found out I was pregnant. Reluctantly we decided to move back to the UK and discussed our options. I had booked a termination but backed out at the last minute and we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It was a real struggle as we were homeless and hadn't worked long enough to save up much money. We had little furniture or possessions as we'd offloaded in order to move abroad and worse, neither of us had jobs. it was a very stressful time and I was at a very low point, and quite resentful of everyone as a result.

Now two years on we are renting a decent flat, have a beautiful daughter and DP is working in a 'for now' job (i.e it pays the bills and rent but isn't what he wanted to be doing). OF course our lifestyle has had to change (we used to party a lot) and our relationship has taken a bit of a backseat to our roles as parents. Things should be fine, but I'm just so unhappy.

We had a chat on NYE about how different we are - this differences never seemed important before, but they're starting to bug me the longer we're together. He laughs it off and just says 'opposites attract' but I can't reconcile it like that. We share the same sense of humour but everything else - from ideas about parenting to how to spend a Saturday together are completely at odds with each other. We used to spend evenings having a drink and a chat together after DD was in bed but since I stopped smoking and drinking our evenings are reduced to him playing the PS3 and me either reading or writing. I feel as though there is a rapidly expanding gulf between us and we can:t seem to agree on anything.

DD is nearly two and has always been a terrible sleeper - she has never slept longer than three hours straight a night and as I have always been responsible for night wakings my sleep has been shot to shit for the last two years - as a result I have recently suffered severe anxiety and agoraphobia which I am getting help for (CBT & Hypnotherapy). I have also recently stopped breastfeeding and starting taking St Johns Wort - we are also working on DD;s sleep and have recently moved her into her own bed. This is slow but there has been progress. The upshot of all this is that I feel as though I am slowly regaining my identity and with it a feeling of wanting to break free. I have recently been harbouring a strong desire to move back to my childhood hometown - its in a beautiful part of the country and I want to be closer to my family, especially my mother who turns 65 next year and who I am very close to. DP has told me that there is no way that this is going to happen as he doesn;t want to live there. The homesickness I feel is so strong it is an almost physical sensation and I nurse a private fantasy where I just pack DD and myself up and away we go. But he really averse to the idea, and more out of stubbornness than anything else (he is very stubborn) has said a very definite NO.

So what now ? Where do we go from here ? I;m not averse to compromise but he seems so set on his ideas (which are so very different to mine) and doesn;t see that there is a problem, nor that I am struggling. His answer to everything is to Man Up. What happens when you start drifting away from each other and can it be salvaged ?

Firstly, don't underestimate the effect of sleep deprivation. It is hideous and it is very difficult to act rationally or even like a human being with long periods of disrupted sleep.

What sounds more worrying for you as a couple is that you do all the night wakings - why?

You want to move home and dp won't, apparently due to stubborness rather than any real dislike of the place. If he doesn't really care where he lives why wouldn't he move, at least to try a new area, if it would make you happy?

He isn't listening to your concerns seriously.

Practically you could ask him to take his turn with the nights, and reach a compromise on where you could live - perhaps nearer to your family but not in your home town.

As you know having a small child is very hard work, but he needs to be considering you and pulling his weight. Maybe then you would feel happier.

Just want to point out that is is YOU that has changed what you do and what you want and it seems you are blaming him for this.

Hi Billy thanks for your reply - You`re right I blame the sleep deprivation for much of how I've been feeling, and certainly for bringing all my underlying anxiety issues to the fore.

Part of the issue with night waking is that I BF DD until recently - which meant much of the night until a few months ago. It was the only way to resettle her (path of least resistance emoticon) and until Christmas just gone DP had never put her to bed either as I used to BF her to sleep. Part of this is where the resentment comes from, as I felt as though I was always on call so to speak. In the beginning, when DD was newborn part of me felt as though he would resent all the night wakings and early starts so the martyr in me took over EVERYTHING so that his life remained as undisturbed as possible. HV thought this might be symptomatic of PND but I genuinely think it was just the stress and fear of having a baby.
Now she sleeps in bed with us from about midnight as it is the only way I can get sleep. Unfortunately she is a kicker so DP usually sleeps in the lounge and our sex life is down to about once a month as a result.

Its not just moving home <strong>Billy</strong>, although that is a huge part of it, its that we both want such different things. He wants to live in a city where we currently are) which I really feel Ive outgrown, in a modern built minimal house with a 100 inch television. I want to live in a cottage full of junk with a cat and a radio. I``m simplifying this obviously, (although that last bit is true) and I worry that the truth is that DD is the only thing holding us together...

Melted Absolutely, a lot of what I want has changed, and what he wants hasn;t. That is exactly it. But what do I do about that ¿

I suppose what I;m really asking is whether the distance between us is traversable, whether we can mend it. I;m willing to compromise, and I want him to be happy to, which I don;t beleive he is.

Sorry for punctuation - DD sat on keyboard and has managed to change it to Spanish.

Yes, you can mend it.

I second what's been said about sleep deprivation. I'm sure you know this but... having a two year old in your bed isn't a great help for a relationship.

Hoolet Thats true - and because she doesn;t sleep well we rarely get out for a night out (no family nearby and only a close friend willing to babysit) when its just the two of us, and I don`t think that helps either. Perhaps we;ve just lost the connection with each other. I hope so, I feel like we;re strangers at the moment.

Focus on moving her out of your bed and reclaiming some 'Us' space. It's essential. You need to be a couple as well as a family.

Can you get into a babysitting circle and get out and have some fun together? Not necessarily romantic stuff, just time together alone or with friends.

Trust your instincts, you were mad about each other before - you were probably right to be. Two year old children are not easy, life will be imperfect. Don't throw the relationship away now because I think you will regret it. Try hard to get it back or I think one of you will have an affair as an exit strategy (just a guess).

for a start you need to get your child in her own bed ! Its hard and it will take a lot of will power and a loss of sleep but you must do it .
You need to get out with your husband and regain the closeness of you two as adults and a couple.

Don't rush - this is a hard time after 2 years of sleep deprivation but your dd will be starting to get easier and you might feel different soon
With co-sleeping, we also fell into that habit. Our solution was to buy a bigger bed and dh moved back into it. Dd has only just stopped sneaking into bed (I wouldn't go get her!) And she's 4 but it has never interfered with dh and I love life - do a lot of peopel 'do the deed' in the middle of the night? Exhausted at the thought!
You and dh do need to make time for each other though - if you don't want the hassle of going out, try a night in, take away or m n s type meal, set table, no tv one night a week. It will help you reconnect

Don't rush - this is a hard time after 2 years of sleep deprivation but your dd will be starting to get easier and you might feel different soon
With co-sleeping, we also fell into that habit. Our solution was to buy a bigger bed and dh moved back into it. Dd has only just stopped sneaking into bed (I wouldn't go get her!) And she's 4 but it has never interfered with dh and I love life - do a lot of peopel 'do the deed' in the middle of the night? Exhausted at the thought!
You and dh do need to make time for each other though - if you don't want the hassle of going out, try a night in, take away or m n s type meal, set table, no tv one night a week. It will help you reconnect

I agree with all the others. Before making any huge decisions you need to get your daughter in her own bed, sleeping properly and recovering yourself from the exhaustion. You need to get some time back with your DP. You sound like you are being a little selfish tbh. Asking anyone to move is a big thing. Moving back to where your DP's family is is a huge decision for anyone. Some people just don't want relatives involved all the time and it is unfair to force this on your DP IMO. I do wonder how much less home sick you would be if you had a normal sleeping pattern.

Also as far as differences go, can't you arrange to have a night weekly where you and your DP do something together that you have agreed on?

I am a bit surprised that most of the answers lean towards 'Well it's your responsability as you are sleep deprived and you have changed the goals posts'.
For a relationship to work, you need boh partners involvement and there is no reason, as far as I can see, to say it should all be down the OP's to improve things (like putting her dd in her own bed).

In an ideal world, yur DP should have wanted and tried to help you during the night, proposed to get up for his dd to 'teach' her to go back to sleep wo a bf.
He would have proposed an evening in together where you could have watched a DVD together and have a nice time (NB: It is not necessary to go out to spend a nice time together as a couple).

A lot of ideas have been proposed before (like an evening together at home, sorting ut your dd sleep so you sre not as tired etc...) but I would strongly recommend that yu don't do that on yur own but with your DP. Involve him as much as possible, even if your are the initiating/driving force, but he also needs to be part of the process.

Thanks so much everyone - we moved DD into her own room at Christmas with DP putting her to bed and doing night times too - the idea was that she would get used to not having me around at night so might stop waking for me. It has worked to some extent but I can see we`re there is quite a lot of work still to be done.

I don;t want to throw this relationship away, I just worry that unless we do SOMETHING we`re going to get further and further apart - and it does seem as though we are parents first and a couple second and it shouldn;t be that way, should it ?

Good suggestions all round - will work on DD staying in her own room at night and will try to reconnect as merci suggested, maybe with a nice dinner and no TV (he won;t like that, haha) or a quick pint in our local, try to restablish some common ground. He is younger than me by about five years and I think that may have something to do with it too, although I always thought age gaps were only a problem if you made them one.

Melted I can see that its selfish - I think because my ma was ill a while ago and that she retires next year I have a lurking desire to spend some time with her as I`ve realised she won;t be around forever - but of course, I can;t expect him to want that too. Also his parents live near my hometown so maybe having all our families around might be too much of a pain in the arse for him ? I can see that too.

I;m off in a minute as DP is back from work early today - but thanks for all your replies, it does help me to see things more clearly, and has given me some perspective ¨¨'

Bloody punctuation keysñ

KnowYourself X-posted with you. Yes, he very much needs to be a part of any improvements we try to make. His role is very passive at the moment, and I do intend to try to change that. I insisted on him trying to get DD to bed at Christmas and he did stick with it, even though she screamed as though he were murdering her - though now he;s back at work he doesn;t want to do it anymore as it makes him tired for work...