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Original poster

To visit or not to visit?

31 replies

confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 08:02

So a bit of background first. I met this guy 6 years ago whilst at uni. We were both very flirty and he said he'd have wanted to be in a relationship if he was single at the time. So obviously not worth splitting up for, but we stopped as it seemed like it would go to far and i didn't want to be the reason for any split.

We carried on talking over the next 4 years and more when either of us was single. We haven't spoken in the last 2 years, but the other night i had a lovely dream about him. He's in the police so with a bit of imgination i woke up very happy :). I tried to find him on facebook but couldn't and deleted his number so i thought that was that. A few hours
later he texted me saying he'd had a dream about me too and wanted
to meet up.

Anyway, all was good, we really click, have chemistry, fancy each other like mad and he's single so all's good right? He added
me back on facebook (i know, i know), he has his relationship hidden but his 'ex' has hers as in a relationship with him. I just don't
know what to think. He says they split up 6 months ago and were off and on a couple of times but never got the physical side back and she's too embarrassed to put herself as single. He said that as he doesn't use it that it doesn't matter until she finds someone else.

He says he wouldn't have added me if they were together as he'd know i could easily tell they were still together and that it shouldn't bother
me, just it does!

I'm probably being pathetic but would you meet him? He has said just for a catch up, just we live 100 odd miles away and i don't
want to be the rebound woman or be the OW. I know if we meet all the old feelings will start to creep back, but he does make me smile and after the 2011 i've had it wouldn't go amiss!

Hmmm...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2012 08:33

No I would not meet him under any circumstances. He sounds like a right chancer and this could all end very badly for you with you getting further hurt in the process. You don't know him now at all, you're getting caught up in the fantasy of all this saying there is chemistry etc. No there is not. I would not believe anything he writes about this other lady either.

Leave fb well alone, that will do you no favours either.

HedleyLamarr · 18/01/2012 08:45

He has his relationship hidden and his 'ex' has hers stating in a relationship with him? And you believe him? Keep away. He's looking for a bit on the side.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/01/2012 08:55

If that's true then he won't mind you texting his 'ex' to check the facts. Tell him that! Then don't contact him again.

lubeybooby · 18/01/2012 08:58

Send his ex a message on fb telling her exactly what he said about her being too embarassed.

It's a total crock of shit, bet you a million pounds.

Original poster
confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 09:09

That's what i thought (feared) you'd all say :(. I've texted him saying that i presume he wouldn't mind if i checked with his 'ex' so i'll have to wait for his response. i did think he was quite decent before but i was just loving the fantasy. We'll see...

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/01/2012 09:11

he said he'd have wanted to be in a relationship if he was single at the time.

Any man who says this is a disrespecftful arse who will more than likely do the same to you if you enter a relationship with him.

Stay away. He's not a good guy.

Charbon · 18/01/2012 09:59

I think there will either be a deafening text silence or he will call your bluff and suggest you contact his 'ex who is not an ex' so do make sure you follow through in either case, okay?

Original poster
confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 10:33

He's just text me back to say i must have trust issues and if i cant trust him then there's no point. He said it's only facebook and no one cares who you are in a relationship with. Also i'll only piss her off and come across as nasty if i message her and rubbing salt into the wounds and all that. So yep he seems like he's an arse but do i message her. I've told him i will do but i just dont know?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/01/2012 10:35

Why bother?

He is a confirmed arse. Forget him (and his ex and this drama) and move on to more enriching pursuits.

Charbon · 18/01/2012 10:38

I would. He's trying to manipulate you into thinking his untrustworthiness is somehow your problem and I've got no doubt that he's shafting some other unsuspecting woman, so join forces and expose him.

lubeybooby · 18/01/2012 11:11

What Charbon said.

Wanker.

lubeybooby · 18/01/2012 11:12

Oh - an afterthought... he may warn her now that some 'crazy psycho woman' is stalking him and so to ignore any contact. So do it quickly Wink

Original poster
confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 11:15

I've done it, he's told me i'm deranged and to never contact him again. Ah well and i thought 2012 was looking up, nevermind.

OP posts:
Charbon · 18/01/2012 11:21

Well done OP. If she's got any sense, his partner might contact you for details, so do be open with her.

Out of curiosity, do you think when you tried to find him on FB, he got an indication of that, because it was obviously complete shite that he'd "had a dream..." coincidentally mirroring your own nocturnal reverie - and more likely that he thought "Oh, I see confused's been searching for me, wonder whether I could try my luck?"

Original poster
confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 11:48

I didnt think on facebook you could see who searched for you? I never found him or anything, he just texted me out of the blue saying he'd had a dream about me not me about him. I guess if he could see then it would make sense but i couldnt find his profile. He's turned into mr nice again, men! He said that she was hoping they'd get back together and he didnt want to shatter her? I guess i'll see if she responds. A normal, honest bloke is all i want

OP posts:
Gigondas · 18/01/2012 11:55

He doesn't sound normal or honest so would avoid. Plus it's only jan -plenty of time for 2012 to be better for you. There are decent men out there who don't play silly twats about relationships

Charbon · 18/01/2012 12:08

You said in your OP that you had a dream about him and then went looking for him on FB, but couldn't find him. Despite being out of contact for 2 years and having (previously?) deleted his number, by an amazing coincidence he texted you that day and said he'd had a dream about you too so I'm assuming you said "How weird, I dreamt about you last night!" and spectacularly unoriginally he said "me too!" which probably (but this is bonkersville) had you swooning about fate and how even your dreams were entwined.....am I right?

Or is it that you hadn't actually deleted his number and texted him first? Grin

Please back away. This man is bad news and is feeding you a load of twaddle. His partner has got no idea that they have 'broken up' and no self-respecting woman is embarrassed by being 'single' or having that status on Facebook. That nasty little lie is quite revealing actually - he clearly thinks that all women are desperate to be in a relationship.

You are obviously at a low ebb yourself and vulnerable to being gullible and taken in by an opportunist. Don't get sucked in again.

Smum99 · 18/01/2012 12:18

This guy doesn't sound very nice - calling you deranged isn't quite the honeymoon period that most people expect!

I think you are so focussed on getting together with someone that you are over rulling your instincts - why not try to have a great 2012 even if you are single.

Xenna · 18/01/2012 12:19

Don'y waste any more time or energy on him. You deserve better.

lubeybooby · 18/01/2012 12:34

I know some kind of reference to your mental health would come up. Just remember it's him with the problem, not you - and that he was acting very shady, you were 100% right to be very suspicious and the way he has acted has proved that.

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have been bothered at all.

Block and forget.

snuffaluffagus · 18/01/2012 12:39

You're best off out of this one so well done on the lucky escape!

I'm sure he's laid on some story about you being a mad stalker to the "ex" girlfriend too..

PuggyMum · 18/01/2012 12:45

Well I was going to say that people do grow up..... If you have read / seen One Day the guy in that was a bit of a dick but he grew up and got the girl....

I kind of see why he wouldn't want you contacting the ex even if (a small if!) what he said is true as he might have her in a place where his relationship with her is boxed off....

However his reaction to never contact him is ridiculous and would make me think he is hiding something. If he'd have said 'oh I wish you hadn't, she's irrational/needy/not quite over me' I'd maybe have given him the benefit of the doubt.

It'll be interesting to see her response....

karmathreefold · 18/01/2012 12:59

Even if she genuinely was 'embarrassed', then she could hide her relationship too - just as he has done...or put 'in a relationship'.

Lots of married people have "married" as their relationship status, they don't all have who they're married to, even if they're perfectly happy.

For what it's worth, I bet she still sees his status as being in a relationship with her...

It's very easy to just let the person you're in a relationship with see that, I sometimes have that I'm married to DH, but sometimes I hide my status from everyone but him (it makes him angry), so to all the world my status is hidden.... I have no idea if DH hides his status to all bar me...

So basically what he's told you is a crock of s**t!

Original poster
confusedduck86 · 18/01/2012 13:51

I know it sounds mad but after the dream i had a quick look on facebook but as he's got a fairly common name i didn't have time/ be arsed to search through hundreds to find him. I had deleted his number about 1 1/2 years ago and didnt text him 1st. Then late afternoon i got a text from him saying, hey just thought i'd catch up with you because it's been ages and i had a dream about you last night. That's why i suppose i got all starry eyed i guess. I had the best and worst year of my life in 2011, so i guess i liked the attention.

He has since texted me back saying that he has told his 'ex' they're over but as they're on/off she's hoping he'll go back. He has said he wont but as she's not the most stable doesn't want to push her. Obviously this all could be more lies, but i wont know until she messages back, if she does at all.

He prob is a twat and i guess i'll find out soon enough

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 18/01/2012 14:14

Telling you his ex is unstable is dodgy. He'll be telling her that about you too.