What to do about DP with chronic spending and debt problems?

[tweettwoo]

DP has run up major credit card debts again. The first time this happened, about 4 years ago, we remortgaged the house to pay them off. I ranted and raved.

I now know he's in a mess again. I first found some demands by accident and then did some snooping (I'm not proud of it). He can't meet the payment on credit card bills and seems to have a loan which he is defaulting on. When I have asked him about it - gently - he blankly lies and says there isn't a problem. He is a very convincing liar!

I am past the being angry stage. I don't even particularly care about what he spent the money on but I do want him to be straight with me so we can sort it out. Even in this climate I should, in theory, to have pretty good salary and I have savings as well. (I keep them separate because of his previous form).
I also want him to stop buying crap for the kids, especially DD2. He spent far too much at Christmas and she is now starting to expect stuff on demand - which just make me furious .

Does anyone know how I can get him to own up to the situation and if there is any help for him. It is making me very frustrated. It wouldn't matter so much if we didn't own a house together - and have 2 kids - who adore their dad. I think he has a real "problem" - but don't know if it can be sorted

What particularly irks me is that I grew up in a house exactly like this - and I know how destructive it can be for children...

The short answer is that if he's not willing to own up to the problem, there's nothing you can do to change that.

You cannot control his actions, only your own. So the real question is this.

If he won't take action, what are you going to do about it?

Is this the straw which breaks the camel's back? I mean you already remortgaged once already and he clearly hasn't learned his lesson.

My advice is to not take any steps at all to deal with his problems unless he asks. Even then, assist but at no point take responsibility. He needs to be the one who deals with this and not expect you to come swooping in, take charge and him simply abdicate responsibility.

I would also (if it were me) make it crystal clear that unless he faces up to the problems then it's over.

My dad got into massive debt when I was a child. To loan sharks no less. It broke my family up and it's something I still to this day haven't fully forgiven him for.

I'd be making sure that any joint accounts were tidied up and closed, that any loans taken out are in his sole name, and that all of his debt is in his name.

I would make it perfectly clear that things can't go on, what is he spending all of this money on? It can't just be stuff for the kids surely, that wouldn't wrack up that much.
Be honest and tell him what you've found and how it's affecting you. Lies won't work anymore, it needs to be addressed asap before it gets any worse.

Do not marry this man.
That's all.

I'd leave a partner over this , without looking back.

erm, I suggest you extricate yourself as best as you can, then walk away and never look back

You might not particularly care about what he's spent the money one, but that is the crux of the matter.

Is he gambling, seeing other women, making expensive or stupid purchases that temporarily enhance his self-esteem by enabling him to 'big' himself up?

Once you can see where the money is going it may be possible for him to change his spending habits - albeit with the help of therapy.

If you assist in baiing him out for a second time he'll be set up to keep repeating the pattern.

As advised, make sure that you are not liable for any of his debts and ensure that he can't gain access to any funds by remortgaging your home without your knowledge.

Don't marry him.

Separate your finances completely - no joint account, no shared savings accounts, no second card for him on your credit card; get his name off the house and mortgage if you possibly can.

My xh did this.
Note the x.
Had to do it for my sanity I couldn't live like that any more.

Just to add - please do NOT bail him out this time. Don't remortgage, don't take out loans for him.

Doing this will make you and your DCs increasingly financially vulnerable and he will rack up more debts.