Please come over here and help me sort my life out!

[ilovehugs]

I'm 31. Been with DP since 19. 2 DC aged 6 and 4. SAHM.

DP would be very happy with our relationship. He fancies me and I've basically worked on all the the other stuff he has been peed off with. He just wants more sex (I say more, he hardly gets any).

I am feeling so confused. I have had a bit of a turning 30 thing. Started taking a pride in my appearance, lost weight, fitter, makeu-up, nice clothes haircusts etc - All of which went by the way-side in my 20s when I just stayed at home with DP all the time and then got worse when we had kids.

I've started going out again and having fun too. I hate that I wasted all that in my 20s.

I just really struggle to fancy DP. I can get on very with him - but I do have to guard my behaviour a bit because he can be so techy - and that is also a big bone of contention too.

He is a great father and provider. I supported his career financially before we had kids. Supporting some very expensive training and paying the mortgage while he did it. I on the other hand ditched a very good career to have children and stay at home. He often forgets this and when he gets cross with me about stuff is always using the 'go and get yourself a council house' line. Which is disgraceful of him. He also expects and has got for years me to do every single household job even at weekends. His job is to bring the money in. Which he works bloody hard to do and I am grateful to him for it. But I still sit there of a weekend constantly in the kitchen feeding and washing up and feeling a bit resetful about it because I know other couples help each other out lots more. He is loving and supportinve most of the time, but can be very insensitive. He has never really 'got me' and I him, although the years together mean we know each other very well.

I was so young when we got together. I'm a different person now and not getting any older. I have an awful crush on someone TOTALLY unobtainable too. Which tears my heart out because I knew him at the same time as DP but blew it by my stupid behaviour at the time

Basically I feel lost and confused and trapped. Would I be the biggest fool alive to ditch this life and destroy and hurt my childresns/DP/families happiness. Loose my home. Wave goodbye to the kids every other christmas. Feel responsible for destroying their happy little world. He's going to ditch me and some point soon if we don't start having more sex - but I really find it hard to fancy him and have done for such a long time.

I can't help wondering if there is something better out there. I've only ever had one relationship and I just dont know.

I just feel so miserable and alone sometimes, and guilty for it.

You need some kind of counselling as a couple. You need to try to rectify things before thinking of getting out.

The things you describe are just normal issues couples who have been together as long as you have go through. You need to bring up the housework issue. When you're feeling resentful, of course you're not going to want sex.

When I was a SAHM I looked after the kids during the day and did what I could in the house, but that was not seen as 'my' job. When DH came home childcare and housework was 50/50. It's not unreasonable for you to expect more help.

I'm on the other side just now with DP off getting space. I'm sure there are many who will come on here and tell you to be true to yourself, get away while you can etc, but I agree with mychild. Try counselling first. Try to sort out the housework issue and then maybe you'll feel more like sex.
My DP does no housework as a rule, but sometimes he'll make a lovely sunday dinner or he'll wash up on a saturday while I put the DCs to bed. We've spoken about it and he knows I appreciate it when he helps out, sometimes it just needs spelling out. I always feel jealous when I compare the housework share to others, so I just don't. My DP is not a bad person just because he doesn't see that the toilet needs cleaning before I do.
I think you would be a total fool to throw away your current stable family life for a dream that you don't even know what it is yet. How will you explain that to your children? Your children are old enough for you to think about yourself, but that doesn't mean splitting up. Forget relationships. What are your dreams and ambitions outside of the home? Make them come true and you might start to feel differently about yourself and DH. Do you get to go out with DH alone? Go on dates. Let him woo you again.

I'm not surprised you don't fancy your DH if he doesn't do his fair share around the house. Reading between the lines, it also seems to me like he can be quite nasty towards you and that you've modified your behaviour a lot to avoid him getting angry - am I right about that?

ilovehugs, I too am in an unhappy marriage that is falling apart/coming to an end due to my DH's unreasonable behaviour. I have been very, very close to infidelity but I am so glad now that I didnt let it cloud my judgement, or give DH a reason to blame my infidelity rather than his behaviour, as the reason for the split.

I think it is easier to choose DH or no DH over DH or unobtainable/random future fantasy person/other RL person.

I am glad you are on here, I have found it very helpful.

Good luck

I agree with Crows, by the way, forget about the other man for the time being - he will just complicate things and if you do get together with him now, any chance you might have for future happiness with him might be ruined by problems with your H. Sort out your situation with your H first.

Yes CailinDana :( But I've put it down to me being negative towards him and him being sexually frustrated. He just cannot handle it if I'm grumpy. He can get really angry with me. He is capable of being very aggressive, but not out of the blue for no reason.

Harecare and Mychild - I really want to have counselling and have suggested it but he doesn't want to go.

I really liked hearing Harecare say that I would be stupid to throw away a stable family life etc... I don't want to.

Also, the times he comes for hugs etc is ALWAYS when I am in the kitchen doing the bloody washing up (which he has done maybe twice in the last 6 six years). He really doesn't pick his moments and then when I don't react warmly he gets grumpy/angry.

Thanks for your advice.

Thanks also Crows. Sorry to here you are in a similar situation. :(

Also the 'other man' is married with kids and would be last person in the world who would be unfaithful. I have no idea if his marriage is happy or not. He's a fce from the pat which I bump into allot and feel deeply attracted too. He's also the total opposite of DP and allot like me - sensitive, artistic etc. There has been no flirting. I last new this guy when I was a troubled teen, just before I met DP. I've always thought that how similar we both are , same time, same place, mutual attraction - I hadn't been such a disaster at that time) we would of at the very least had a relationship together. Sometimes when DP is kicking off about something, I find myself thinking "so-and-so would never, ever talk to me like that'. I am making DP out to be a dragon. He isn't, he can just be grumpy and not very good at controlling his temper at times. He finds it hard to communicate sometimes and gets frustrated.
Also, he's a heavy smoker and I a)worry about the effect on his health b) detest the smell 3) detest the cost 4) detest him smoking and then handling the kids. I have given up asking him to wash his hands after a fag because he gets, again, really bloody cross with me and calls me 'paranoid'.
must stop because I'm now venting on and on...

I hate to say this Ilove, but your DH doesn't sound very nice. I know you say he has redeeming points but his negative points seem to outweigh them quite a lot. I went through a period of about 6 months where I didn't want sex at all. DH never once put any pressure on me or got angry with me. He just said it was fine that I didn't want it and to let him know if I did. If the tables were turned I would say the same thing to him, because that's what loving supportive partners do. I know you don't want to break your family up, that's totally understandable, but it does seem to me that your DH is the source of your unhappiness and as long as you stay with him it's going to stay that way, especially seeing as he isn't willing to go to counselling in order to improve things. Are you ok with that?

Bloodyhell no :(

But I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life/kids life.

Esp if I bring out his bad behaviour - which I know sounds bad but it is true.

He has let the not having sex go on for a VERY long time and it's only now that he has started to tell me how fedup he is about it. But he isn't very good at doing it in a sensitive way. The very opposite. He'll come in from the pub and then feel able to vent his frustration about the whole thing. Again - I do know how wrong that is. But it's just him. Him, his mum and his sister are all the same. Good, decent hard working people. Ethically minded - happy to go out of their way to help friends/family. Nice gestures etc. But terrible communicators. Incapable of reading between the lines. Pretty insensitive. Throw their toy's out of the cot etc.

It's all fine and dandy as long as I am cheerful and upbeat, but when I'm not it all goes downhill because he just doesn't know how to handle it. And then there's the big "we dont have sex" thing looming in the backgroud which errupts periodically. He thinks I'm fridged!!!! (I am not). He just doesn't get it. :(

I've also totally f***d my career up and am financially dependant on DP.

ilove - I think it would be foolish to throw everything away for a dream if you don't know what that is. If your dream is to live happily away from DP and you think your DCs would benefit, then maybe it's not so foolish. An angry aggressive unhelpful heavy smoker isn't someone who I could be happy with.

Perhaps you could start by making moves to restart your career? I think the OM is a bit of a fantasy to distract yourself from your unhappiness.

What about having counselling in your own?
There seems to be a lot of ressentment on your side and some of it seems to have been there for a long time (I am thinking HW for example).

Eg. There is no shame in saying that him not doing any HW is any issue with you. Trying to stop thinking about it or comparing yurself to others isn't going to help. If you are to have a happy relationship, you need to be happy with that state of affair. Or you need to know that this is a deal braker for you.
Counselling will help with that.

I also get that there are a few other problems, mainly his anger. It might be that you are not well suited re the way you express yourself (introvert/extrovert) or that he is reacting in inappropriate wys or that you asking too much. But again, counselling will help you having a better idea of what you expect from your partner/marriage and see whether you can get that from your relationship.

Once the ressentments have been cleared, you will probably find that your libido is coming back. Or you will realize that you are not well suited.

HTH

It sounds to me like you're really badly suited as a couple. It also makes me sad to read that you think you "bring out his bad behaviour." That makes it sound like you think you deserve for him to have a go at you. No one should make you feel that way.

ilovehugs - i just wanted to say that i could have written your OP almost word for word, it all sounds so familiar! I'm in a very similar situation , same age, with dcs the same age too. my dp also thinks i'm frigid or a 'prude' but when i say it doesn't do anything for me anymore he gets upset. I don't think there's anything he could do to turn me on, i think i see him more as a mate, he also gets angry sometimes and hasnt been easy to deal with recently due to a close friend committing suicide, understandable I suppose, also he accused me of not being there for him, maybe i wasn't. I attend to his every need apart from the sexual/affection side of things really, i just don't feel like there's anything there anymore.

My situation is probably worse in a way because I've also got involved in a emotional affair with an old friend I used to know when i was 18. I don't think anything would ever happen between us as he's got a gf, although they don't get on that well. I know that the OM likes me alot tho. Yes, I know this is wrong and i'll probably get flamed for it, but its not the reason for mine and dp's problems, probably more of a symptom. Just interested to hear if anyone else has any advice really. I don't feel i'm being fair on my dp but if i break up with him he will be distraught and the kids would be so unhappy not to see their dad everyday. :(