I'd really apreciate it if you could advise me here. I'd like to better understand what might be going on and be helped to give an appropriate response. Thanks.
Right, so a friend of mine (as in actual friend - this post isn't about me) has always had a short temper. He's married with a family and where we all hoped his temper would mellow with age, it really hasn't. Just to get one thing clear, he is not a physical violence kind of guy, he just shouts a lot, seems to think has opinions are the on correct way to proceed and never seems to accept anything as being his fault - the blame is always put onto someone else and so he never has to accept responsibility for his actions.
In our younger years, when we all hung out in a large friendship group I sometimes used to argue back but now I see him less and there are always families present I just let him rant and wait for it all the blow over. It blows over quickly, but then you are never more than an hour from the next rant, it seems.
Things is, he talks down to his wife. He is very critical to her and about her, in front of her. I don't understand why he does it. She sometimes argues back but mostly seems to accept his view of her and will tell a story about herself with words such as, 'Of course, stupid me...' which breaks my heart as her 'stupidities' are simply the sort of every day mistakes that any of us can and frequently do make - little over sights and misunderstandings - that kind of thing. Also she is far from stupid - she is phenomenally bright with a strong sense of ethics...and yet she lets him talk to her in this way and in front of the children.
I don't know why he is as he is - I have never understood what motivates him. My fear for him is that he will stress himself into a heart attack. My fear for her is that she will continue to be ground down by the way he criticises her. My fear for their kids is that they will come to accept that this is how relationships work. For myself I am concerned about the long-term effect on my friends and am also fed up with his many outbursts. I don't want to hear them. I don't want my kids to hear them. He seems to have few boundaries re. topics, too. On one memorable occasion he berated his wife in front of us for her not liking a particular sexual practice. It was nothing 'avant garde' but, you know, I don't want to hear it!
So, what would be a compassionate way for me to respond, the next time he goes off on one? I could continue to let it pass but I am genuinely worried that his behaviour will lead to a heart attack (he has other risk factors there, as far as I am aware) and I just don't want to hear it any more.