2 years into a divorce and 21 grand down

[anamcara44]

Hi girls
I've been stuck in divorce proceedings which have been going on for 2 years now. Have already attended court 3 times and have to go 2 times more. It's cost me 21 grand so far which I've had to borrow from the bank. My ex has refused to give me any money from the house (i'm on the deeds)so I've had no choice but go down the court route. His parents have intervened at the last minute and said they own half the house. (That's news to me). We were together for 10 years and have 3 children.
I have been renting and sleeping on a bed sofa for that time. Have had to go on sick leave coz I've got a heart operation next week, so hardly have any money coming in.
Have also lost a shocking amount of weight, so am also going for an ultrasound of my tummy and an endoscopy in Feb.
Am struggling to eat and am on anti-depressants.
My ex is a total jerk and verbally abusive when he drops the children off. My Solicitor has written to him telling him to back off, but he doesn't stop.
With my depression I'm finding it hard to do day to day tasks like even cooking. I have to start to cook early in the morning because there's no way I could cook at teatime. I'm keeping a smile on my face in front of the kids.
I'd love to hear some wise words just to get a bit of moral support please. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi there hotdamnlifeisgood

Thank you for your kind reply. I am seeing a counsellor and she is really helpful. I will look up the thread which you suggested and the Freedom Programme. You are absolutely right. My counsellor said the same thing and that it's my decision as to how I react to how my ex treats me and why should I care about the opinion of someone who has abused me? I think most of the problem is that I have always been scared of him and it's hard to let go of that fear. My head tells me to ignore him and not let him get to me - it's just putting it into practice which I'm finding difficult!
I am sure that things will get better once the court process is over (which should be sometime around May) - and at least I have got through the first two years of shit and I'm still here!
I am going to be kinder to myself too.

Thanks for the hand hold and support - much appreciated!
x

My heart goes out to you ana and I've nothing to add to Hotdamn's brilliant reply - apart from well done for keeping it all together against all odds!

Sending positive vibes your way

Thanks tallwivglasses.I appreciate that. xx

hot reply is great, can't add to it really, so sorry to hear your havin a rough time but you will get through this bit by bit you will,
Sending you hugs and reminding you that this isn't everything you are and one day you will get your life back and start living for you x

Hello anamcar,

I had similar with my ex, three court sessions, and considerably more than 21,000 in fees!

Are you claiming everything that you are entitled to? go to www.entitledto.co.uk to check.

Your ex makes you feel bad because you are handing over the power to him. Take back that power and it will help you to feel better. This sounds easy, and I know it is not!! But if you can start to think about doing this I think it will help you.

I had a terrible time for three years with ex and no money at all and complicated property ownership etc. I told my ex I would go away for a certain amount but he just ignored me and insisted we went the court route. He was so arrogant that he showed his true colours in court, and I was awarded far more than I had offered to clear off for!! Serves him right.

I had depression for many years, which got much worse during this time. I was in a terrible mess.

Now, two years on from all this, I am very happy on my own. I have a nice house, a little business, happy kids. I don't have much money, and as I am getting on a bit there is no prospect I will be able to get a job, but everything is ten million times better!

You will get through this, and come out the other end a happier, better person.

I hope your op goes well, and try to look after yourself. This is very important, even if it's just to treat yourself to a calming bath or something little and inexpensive. Cherish yourself.

Just to say if you've got this far you can get to the end. It's not long till May in the scheme of things. Two years is a long time to hold it together and remain strong and you've done that already so keep going and you will get there. You have coped already with so much. Good luck x